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Welcome to episode 185 of The Non-Anxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode is based on an article from the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University, and it is called Fake It Until You Make It not so Fast. How we compensate when we can't be our authentic selves. And the article is based on the research of Francesca Gino, Mariam Kuchaki and Adam Kalinsky. Selfdifferentiation is the ability to define and express your own goals and values in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. It's that pressure to conform to the goals and values of others that makes it really difficult to maintain a nonanxious presence. When we do give in without expressing ourselves in a healthy way, or what Friedman would call taking a nonanxious emotional stand, we not only increase the anxiety in the system due to the lack of leadership, but it also takes a tremendous toll on us as leaders, the article states."Our lives and careers are filled with examples of inauthentic behavior. We feign interest in meetings or laugh at our bosses bad jokes in order to be positive. Team members build relationships and accomplish shared goals. This is how we get along, and it is how some of us get ahead."

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This type of inauthenticity may seem harmless, but it can slowly eat away at the soul. The research shows that when we are in authentic, we have greater feelings of moral impurity, whether we are religious or not. This is not good. We all have values and we all want to have integrity. When we compromise that integrity, it has a gradual decaying effect. As Mariam Kuchaki, one of the researchers, says, "Feeling impure or immoral is a threat to one's moral self concept, and when your moral self concept is threatened, you have to address it." One of the interesting findings from the research is that when we have feelings of moral impurity, we are more likely to want to physically wash ourselves, the article states, "The researchers also found that recalling one's inauthenticity led to a desire for self-cleansing. Those who wrote personal essays about inauthentic behavior generated more cleansing related words during a subsequent word completion test words like wash, shower and soap, and expressed a greater interest in cleansing products such as Dove Soap, Crest Toothpaste and Tide detergent over neutral products such as Post it notes, energizer batteries and Snickers bars. They demonstrated a greater desire for cleansing behaviors, such as taking a shower or washing hands over neutral behaviors like watching TV or listening to music.

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Simply remembering these in authentic behaviors make us feel unclean, Kuchaki says." So even though physical self cleansing such as brushing teeth or taking a shower doesn't actually change our inauthentic behavior. It does help us alleviate our feelings of moral impurity. The problem is that over time, there is a slow decay of self that occurs from these continual acts of inauthenticity. Physical cleansing may help in the moment, but it doesn't address this. Researchers also found that prosocial behaviors such as helping others or donating money actually reduced feelings of moral impurity as well. This is definitely a more effective way to address these feelings because we are actually acting in morally healthy ways. However, it still doesn't address the basic problem. Whether it's through self-cleansing or prosocial behavior, each of us is disposed to protect our identity as moral beings. Kuchaki says, "We all have a certain comfort zone when it comes to our moral self-concept. The level may be different for a saint than an assassin, but the basic dynamic holds true. When people act in authentically, they find a way to return to that comfort zone. We have a kind of moral debt that's caused by being inauthentic."

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So the question is how does being inauthentic lead to leader burnout? And what can we do about it? Whether you are in the corporate world, a nonprofit organization, or a congregational system, there are continual ways that we experience pressure to conform to the values of others. Many times those values are not wrong, they are just different, or the goals are just different. But sometimes the goals and values can be downright unethical. To me, the moral debt, this idea that over time we continually give in and are not able to be our authentic selves to actually claim our own goals and values, does lead to a greater susceptibility to burnout. In fact, Edwin Friedman contended that burnout had less to do with working hard and more to do with the inability of the leader, and especially in the congregation, the pastor, to selfdifferentiated. I believe that even in difficult situations, leaders who are able to remain selfdifferentiated have a better perspective on things and are less likely to get swallowed up by the anxiety of the system. This is confirmed by the research which shows that when we are inauthentic, it takes a toll in terms of emotional labor and over time this creates this deficit in moral fortitude and feelings of authenticity.

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It's no wonder that when clergy are adaptive and give into surrounding togetherness pressure, pressure of the congregation, that they try to compensate for this with other behaviors. I'm not sure if you are a pastor, how often you shower or brush your teeth, but you are most likely to be among the largest givers percentage wise in the congregation. And you certainly spend a lot of time trying to help others. You spend a lot of time in prosocial behaviors. I've met a lot of clergy who say they are people pleasers, and they're always trying to help other people in need. And this is not in itself a bad thing. But when we use prosocial behaviors to try to heal our feelings of moral impurity because we can't selfdifferentiated, we are more likely to spiral down and burn out. Prosocial behaviors can help, but they can't reverse the destructive effects of succumbing surrounding togetherness pressure pressure for long periods of time. So what's the answer if you are a leader who feels inauthentic, who gives in to pressure to conform to the values and goals of others? First, do your own work. Focus on your family of origin and your most anxious relationships there.

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Figure out how to rework those relationships so you can take healthy stands with the people who make you feel most anxious. This will likely mean that you have to understand and change your patterns of reactivity or adaptivity. This takes a lot of work, but it's how you can change your own responses in the long term. Second, as you're doing your own work, use self awareness and intentionality to change how you behave in the congregation or work system. The first step is to use self regulation to halt your automatic responses. Then use self awareness to understand what's going on in the situation and inside of you, and what it would mean to be truly authentic to your values so you can choose integrity in the moment of choice. You can also reflect on things that have already happened to unpack what was going on inside, how you responded, and how you'd like to be more intentional about your response in the future. Finally, as you do these things, learn to anticipate those moments of choice when you typically are unable to respond. Authentically integrity in the moment of choice doesn't happen automatically. Preparing yourself to respond accordingly doesn't guarantee that you'll do so, but it gives you a much better chance.

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This is what nonanxious leader do. That's it for episode 185. You can connect with me at thenonexistleader.com. You can find a transcript of this episode at thenonanxiousleader.com/185 and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. One more thing if you can leave a review on your podcast platform, and if you can share this with a friend, I'd really appreciate it. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.