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Welcome to episode 184 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode comes from an article in Fast Company magazine entitled Why this type of Self Discipline Will Make You a Better Leader. And anytime I come across an article about becoming a better leader, I at least want to skim it over. And when I looked at this one, I wasn't looking for family systems material. But it became clear to me that this was all about taking responsibility for itself. The term the article uses is accountability. But accountability is the same thing as taking responsibility, whether it's for self or a situation. According to the author Jody Michael, personal accountability is essential for mental fitness. And I would say that self-differentiation is not possible without it. And accountability is more than just being reliable. Of course that's a part of it. But according to the article, " You are accountable for not only your behavior, actions and outcomes, but also for your thoughts and your moods." This is an important distinction, because oftentimes our reactivity is coming from a place that we don't even control. It comes automatically, and we tend to think we have no control over it.

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But that's not true. When we are able to selfregulation and stop and think, then we have an opportunity to keep those automatic thoughts, feelings, moods from coming out. And that's an important part of taking responsibility for self. According to Michael personal accountability, taking responsibility for self means stopping unhealthy automatic patterns of thoughts and behaviors. And she lists four. The first is blaming others. Blaming others is definitely not taking responsibility for self. It's the opposite. The second is defending yourself. When we get defensive, we are trying to justify our own behavior. And while this is different than blaming others, it still is a way of avoiding responsibility. Likewise, rationalizing and making excuses is another way of avoiding responsibility. And finally, as the author notes, procrastination is a way of avoiding responsibility. So if these are the ways that we avoid responsibility, how can we actually take responsibility for self? The author offers three strategies. The first strategy for taking responsibility for self is to stop your stories. There are three signs that the story you're telling yourself is unhealthy, that is, that you're trying to avoid taking responsibility for self. The first is that it is about something that created difficulty for you.

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This by itself doesn't mean that it is an unhealthy story. But a difficulty, by definition, is a challenge. And a challenge becomes a problem if we are unable to deal with it in a healthy way. The second sign that the story you're telling yourself is unhealthy is that the difficulty was caused by someone else or some circumstance or event. Again, this by itself does not mean it's an unhealthy story, but it is an opportunity to avoid taking responsibility if the difficulty was caused by someone else or some circumstance or event. And the final sign that this might be an unhealthy story that you're telling yourself is that you are blameless of wrongdoing or perhaps even the hero of the story. Now, there are cases when you could be blameless of wrongdoing. However, when you are telling yourself stories where everything is on someone else, when the blame is on someone else, when the difficulties come outside of you, the tendency is to not take responsibility for your own response. Furthermore, when these stories, according to the author, come from feelings of pain, anger, disappointment, frustration or hurt, then you are more likely to avoid accountability.

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A selfdifferentiated leader will look at these situations as an opportunity for growth. By working through those feelings of hurt or anger or disappointment, by figuring out what happened and how we can respond in healthy ways, we actually gain more capacity, more flexibility, more ability to work through difficult situations, and we end up better off instead of blaming others or circumstances. When you catch yourself telling one of these stories, whether out loud or in your head, stop. Ask yourself, am I taking responsibility for my response in this situation? If not, choose personal accountability. The second strategy that the author recommends to increase personal accountability, to get better at taking responsibility for self, is to own your stuff. Life is hard and people suffer terrible things. But some people suffer those things and are miserable even for the rest of their lives. They never recover while as, others will learn from those difficult situations and will grow. Michael writes, quote It's easy to identify the people who are stuck in a helpless, hopeless mindset. Nothing ever works out. They are quick to tell you all about how someone else or bad luck or the unfair system is causing their troubles.

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They are resigned, apathetic, depressed, and you probably avoid them. They drain your energy. This is the epitome of someone who is not taking responsibility for self. And oftentimes it's easier to see this in someone else than it is to see it in ourselves. Because if you are like most of us, you take responsibility for certain aspects of your own life, but perhaps not others. As Edwin Friedman says, nobody gets the problem they can handle. If they could handle it, it wouldn't be a problem. Michael writes quote with personal accountability, you will not see yourself as a victim. Sure, you may acknowledge difficult circumstances and that you feel confused or nonanxious or unsure of how to proceed at times. But when you find yourself in those situations, what you do next is to quickly determine what you have control over and what you don't. Even if there is absolutely nothing you can do about the circumstances. You recognize that you always have a choice and control over your thoughts and moods. So that's where you place your attention. Notice that the author affirms that there going to be times when we feel anxious or confused or frustrated or unsure.

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That's okay. It's how we deal with those feelings that really define a selfdifferentiated leader. nonanxious leaders provide hope to others, not because they have a Pollyanna outlook on life, but because they know they always have a choice and how they respond. And they own that choice. This sense of agency is not only powerful, it's contagious. Finally, the author Jodie Michael recommends a third strategy for taking responsibility for self, and that is to be impeccable with your promises. Michael outlines three different types of promises. The first is a strong promise. This is where you have every intention of keeping the promise, and you most often do. The second type of promise is a shallow promise. Now this sounds to others like a strong promise, but in your mind, you hedge yourself. You'll do it unless you get too busy, or you'll do it as long as something better doesn't come up. So even though it sounds like a promise, even before you have to follow through, there are doubts as to whether you will. The third type of promise is a criminal promise. This is one in which you have no intention of keeping it. This is a form of adaptation because you are unable to say what you're really thinking with the other.

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But it's even worse than that because you are deliberately misleading the other. Effective leaders under promise and over deliver. If you are uncertain if you can keep a promise, don't make it. More importantly, ask yourself what is going on inside? When you are attempted to make a shallow or even criminal promise, why can't you just own up? Is there surrounding togetherness pressure at work? What makes it difficult to be honest with the other person? Self differentiation is more than just defining self while remaining emotionally connected. It's also about knowing that the only person we can change is ourselves. It's about realizing that the only thing we can control is how we respond to life. And that blaming others and making excuses will not only hold us back, it will cause us to lose credibility with others. It will undermine our leadership. People want to follow you as a leader, but you don't want to give them reasons to not trust you. You don't want to give them reasons to wonder whether or not they should. When you take responsibility for yourself, you show others that they can do the same. This is both lifegiving and energizing, and it's what non-anxious leaders do.

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That's it for episode 184. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and you can contact me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.

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