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Welcome to episode 175 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode is based on an article by Eric Barker, The Lazy Way to an awesome Life. Now, the real title for this would be how to Be Yourself, and I took it as a way to look at the implications of surrounding togetherness pressure. One of the big points that Barker makes in this article is that context matters, that it is one of the biggest factors in influencing our behavior, and a big part of that is other people. He starts off by suggesting this exercise say I am blank when blank to help us to understand the patterns and how we are influenced by other people. The two examples he uses are I am always on time when it comes to my job and I am always a half hour late when I have to meet friends. So context matters. In this case, when it's work related, he's on time when he's with his friends, he's less conscientious. Barker does a deep dive into the research that shows how we are influenced by context, how we are influenced by other people and our surroundings. In one study of 75,000 College students, the biggest predictor of how often a College student drank was how often they thought their peers drank.

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In other words, it wasn't how often their peers drank, but how often they thought their peers drank. And the more they thought their peers drank, the more they drank. Barker sites research that the best predictor of whether teens like a song is if they think it's popular, even if the perception of that popularity is rigged. In other words, if teens are told that this song is popular, they're more likely to like the song even if it actually isn't popular. One of the basic takeaways of this type of research is that what we believe other people think and do influences what we think and do. If we think something is popular, we are more likely to like it ourselves. If we think others are doing things, we are more likely to do those things ourselves. And these things are true even if our perceptions are incorrect or even if we are being lied to. Parker writes, "The Framingham study showed that drinking, smoking, and obesity are all quite contagious. If someone you consider a friend becomes obese, your likelihood of obesity increases by 53%, and if the friend is mutual, the number rises to 171%.

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This has nothing to do with genetics or like hangs out with like. When military families move to a new base with a higher obesity rate, their chance of gaining weight goes up and these behavioral contagion effects are seen three degrees out. To quote Christus and Fowler, who analyzed the data from the Framingham study, you may not know him personally, but your friends, husbands, coworker can make you fat and your sister's friends, boyfriend can make you thin." The bottom line here is we do not live in a vacuum. We cannot help but be influenced by the things and the people around us and surrounding togetherness. Pressure is one of the factors involved in influencing who we are and how we behave. Now, it's not all negative. One study showed that happy friends make you 15% more likely to be happy. And like obesity, this influence spans three degrees. What this means is that if a friend of a friend is happy, you are more likely to be happy because that friend of a friend of a friend influences the friend of your friend to be happy, who influences your friend to be happy, who influences you to be happy.

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Another study showed that cable TV was shown to increase support for women's rights around the world. Now why is this? It's because in cultures that were more traditional where women did not have rights, they started seeing television shows where women were exercising their rights. And this created more support for women's rights. In those traditional cultures surrounding togetherness, pressure can be both negative and positive. And this is important for the leader to know because as a nonanxious leader or you can create positive influence. Positive surrounding together as pressure for people to act in selfdifferentiated ways to create a healthier system. As Barker writes quote, It is our nature to want to feel accepted and get along with people. And communities are not formed by everyone being an utterly unique individual with nothing in common. In your average conversation, the cost of being wrong on the facts is often nothing. But the cost of disagreeing with those around you can be enormous. Yes, consciously compromising yourself doesn't feel good, but so much of this happens beneath awareness. At the emotional level, this is surrounding togetherness pressure. Pressure works. It is that subconscious desire to fit in, to get along.

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And this is not a bad thing. This actually is how traditional cultures create stability. I often say that selfdifferentiation is the ability to hold self definition and emotional connection in tension in a healthy way. It is the ability to be a self while maintaining emotional connection with others. Surrounding togetherness, pressure is all about emotional connection. And in traditional cultures, family, community, emotional connection comes first and the individual comes last. This creates systems where the common good is most important and that creates stability. The problem with traditional cultures is that there is so much focus on stability, emotional connection on family and community that it leaves little, if any, room for self definition. It leaves little, if any room for the individual. At their worst, traditional cultures that focus on emotional connection surrounding togetherness pressure become oppressive for those who are seeking to self define. This is certainly true for traditional cultures where women are not treated equally. So how do we balance this tension between emotional connection and self definition, and how, as leaders, can we use surrounding togetherness pressure in positive ways? The important thing to remember about surrounding togetherness pressure is that it is neutral.

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It is neither good nor bad. It can be used for both, and in some cases that pressure which creates stability can be good, but in other cases it can be oppressive. The question is, how can you as a leader, use surrounding togetherness pressure to create a healthier system to create a system where people want to follow of their own free will and are willing to also speak their mind when they disagree? It's helpful to understand that positive peer pressure can be a good thing. In one study, Joseph Allen of the University of Virginia followed kids for over ten years and found that those who were exposed to the most peer pressure at about age 13 actually became better kids. They had better relationships, they were more likely to go to College. It turns out that the same peer pressure that might cause them to break the law also caused them to be more empathetic and to get A's to please their parents. It showed that caring about what other people think actually is more often good than bad. The study showed that those kids who were most immune to peer pressure also had a GPA that was nearly a full grade point lower, and their relationship suffered.

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My takeaway from this is those kids who were immune to peer pressure were actually more self defined but had no emotional connection. They had no desire to please others. They had no desire to connect with others in healthy ways. So what can you do as a leader to get the best out of surrounding togetherness pressure? Of course, the most important thing you can do is to lead through self differentiation. Say what you believe, give others the freedom to disagree, don't react to the resistance of others, and stay emotionally connected. This goes beyond just saying what you believe is also encouraging others to speak their mind. It's encouraging others to really say what they believe as well, and then regulating your own reactivity. Because if you don't agree with it, you need to be willing to accept what they have to say without judgment. If you can do this, this will start to create positive surrounding together as pressure. That the norm in your system is for people to speak their minds because people don't react, because people don't judge, because people don't criticize if they don't agree. One way I've found to reinforce this is that in a group setting, you actually note that you don't agree with somebody.

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So whether it's a family gathering or a meeting in your organization, you can say something like so and so, and I don't agree, and that's okay. But what I think is important about this is that we are trying to figure out the best way to move forward. Another way you can create positive surrounding togetherness pressure is to not criticize other people behind their back, especially if they are reactive or resistant to your leadership. Sometimes people can bait us into doing that by saying, well, so and so is really giving you a hard time. The best thing you can do to create emotional space is to not take the bait there, avoid the content of this situation, and focus on the importance of healthy connection. You can respond by saying, I really care about them and what they think, and I'm not sure what's going on, but we're going to work through it. This is related to my last suggestion about how to create positive surrounding togetherness pressure, and that is to avoid confessing other people's sins. I came across this term from Stephen Covey, and this is when you talk about what other people are doing wrong or why other people are to blame.

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And all this is doing really is not taking responsibility for self. It's the opposite of what you want to model. So when you avoid confessing other people's sins, when you only talk about your own role in things your own responsibility, then you are creating a healthier environment for people to take responsibility for self and not blame others. What I have seen is that, as Barker writes, behavior is contagious. And if you model the right kinds of behavior to create healthy emotional connection and selfdefinition, it will empower other people to behave in healthy ways. They will feel free to do what is right, and this becomes contagious in a system. This is especially important in anxious systems where the most anxious people tend to keep things stuck. But if you as a leader can continue to model this type of selfdifferentiated nonanxious presence, it will give courage to those who would like to behave in healthy ways but have not felt free to do so. It will give them the freedom to do so. And that's when you will reach the tipping point that will actually allow your system to change in positive ways, even when anxious people are trying to keep it stuck.

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It's not easy work, but it's the only way that I found to work through the kind of system anxiety that makes leadership difficult. That's it for episode 175. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and you can find the show notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/175. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.

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