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Welcome to Episode 155 of The Nonanxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama, a reminder that I am doing a Live Q and A on Wednesday, January 19 at 01:00 p.m. Eastern. And the way to qualify is to refer somebody to my email list. If you're already a member of my list and you get my two for Tuesday emails and my semi monthly blog posts, then you will have a link in there that you can refer someone, and as soon as you refer one person, you qualify, and if you're not a member of my list and you want to get on there and you want to qualify for the Live Q and A just go to thenonanxiousleader.com and sign up and subsequent emails that you get will include your unique referral link to qualify for the Live Q and A on January 19.

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And now without further Ado, here is episode 155 of the Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Understanding Chronic Emotional Patterns. In Family Systems Theory A chronic condition is a pattern of reactivity that occurs repeatedly. It can either be ongoing or recurring, and there is a pattern to it. If you have an ongoing interaction with a family member that is filled with anxiety, then it is likely a chronic condition. The key point to understand is that a chronic condition, a chronic emotional pattern is sustained by feedback and that feedback is reactivity or adaptivity.

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Without a reactive or adaptive response, a chronic condition will disappear. A reactive response occurs when you get defensive or argumentative. It is engaging in a conflict of Wills where you try to convince the other of your own position. It's focused on the content of the interaction rather than recognizing the emotional process that's occurring.

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Simply.The process is you responding to the anxiety of the other with your own. Instead of remaining a nonanxious presence, you are an anxious presence that can't let go of what the other has said. Self-definition is important to you. An emotional connection goes by the wayside chronic conditions that are characterized by this type of reactivity have a pattern of punch, counter punch. One person says something and the other responds defensively or argumentatively.

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This causes the first person to respond with greater intensity and anxiety. Things only go downhill from there. An adaptive response occurs when you give in and go along with what the anxious other is saying. In this case, you are being a nonanxious presence. You avoid a conflict of Wills, but it's because you don't self define.

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You are choosing emotional connection over selfdefinition. This type of chronic condition or chronic emotional pattern takes on the pattern where the dominant one takes the other for granted and assumes that they can get whatever they want over time. This can cause feelings of resentment towards the other by the adaptive one. Even as the adaptive one is unable to stand up for themselves in a healthy way. At some point, they may not be able to take it any longer and can explode with anger and anxiety, which will come as a surprise to the other.

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Because the adaptive one has always just gone along, this leads to an important component of chronic emotional patterns.

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Chronic emotional patterns tend to have an up and down characteristic that gradually spirals down into successively more anxious interactions. At some point, a real blowout occurs. Both sides make up and things get better for a while, but then they gradually deteriorate into a similar pattern. This is similar to the cycle of abuse or violence, which has four stages building tension, an incident of abuse or violence, reconciliation, and then calm.

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In the case of a reactive pattern, the sniping, the reactivity is not bad at first, but the tension builds. The reactive one is able to keep in control, but over time is less able to self regulate. At some point they can't take it anymore. The conflict of Wills, escalates and a blowout occurs. In the case of an adaptive pattern, the adaptive one gives in continually, but each time is less able to take it, and the resentment builds.

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When they get to the breaking point, they respond with full blown reactivity and a blowout occurs. In either case, a reconciliation of sorts occurs and things reset to a calmer state. Things will get gradually worse until the next blow out, and then things reset again. So how do you break the pattern? It's not easy.

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In fact, things will likely get worse before they get better. But remaining a persistent nonanxious presence can get things to a new and better place. The first step is to break the pattern self regulate so you don't react or adapt. Pause and remind yourself that you need to respond differently. You can prepare yourself in advance for this because if you spend time reflecting on the chronic emotional pattern, you can readily predict how those interactions begin.

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Then, when they do occur, you can be prepared to think and respond differently. The second step is to avoid a reactive or adaptive response. Don't argue, don't agree again. It helps to prepare yourself in advance, develop some responses that can help you remain a nonanxious presence and avoid reactivity or adaptivity. I'll cover how you can go about this in next week's episode.

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The third step is to remain a nonanxious presence. Stay connected to the other. Even if you don't argue and don't agree, things will likely get worse before they get better. But if you do, if you can remain a nonanxious presence, things can get better than they ever were. An illustration will help.

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Marshall Goldsmith is a world renowned business educator and coach in his book Triggers, Goldsmith shares a story about Amy, a 51 year old senior executive at a media company. Amy described a close mother daughter relationship perhaps too close. Her mother was in her late 70s, and they spoke daily, but the conversation was governed by sniping and petty arguments. Parent and child were engaged in a zero sum game of proving herself right and the other wrong loved by a thousand cuts. Amy called it one day, triggered by her mother's mortality and the realization that neither of them was getting younger, Amy decided on a truce.

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She didn't tell her mother about it. She simply refused to engage in the verbal skirmishing. When her mother made a judgmental remark, Amy let it hang in the air like a noxious cloud, waiting for it to vaporize from neglect. With her daughter unwilling to counterpunch, mom soon stopped punching and vice versa. This was a chronic condition.

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The pattern of interaction was the mother making a comment and the daughter reacting. It was only when the daughter decided to regulate her reactivity that the pattern changed. I love Goldsmith's metaphor of the nonanxious cloud. Anxiety is like that, but without reactivity or adaptivity, it will dissipate. In Amy's case, she would have never argued with her mother if she were being adapted and she would just sit there and take it.

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If she never reacted anxiously, let alone never took a non anxious emotional stand, then she would be responding adaptively, and it's likely that Amy would then triangle someone else, taking out her frustration and pain elsewhere because she's unable to stand up to her mother in a healthy way. Either way, it is a reactive or adaptive response that sustains the chronic pattern of anxious interaction. Now it's likely that this example is compressed over time. Amy's mother would be more likely to have pressed Amy for a response since she was so used to the verbal jousting, and Amy would have had to work on remaining a nonanxious presence for multiple conversations.

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But the end result would be the same, and it's important to understand she needed to break the pattern by not reacting, and that's what she did.

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Whether you experience chronic emotional patterns in your family of origin, congregation, or organization, understanding how they work is the first step towards changing things for the better. Next week we'll go deeper into how you can actually respond in helpful ways. This doesn't happen automatically. It takes self awareness and intentionality, but that will make the difference, and that's what nonanxious leaders do. That's it for episode 155, a reminder that you can join me in the Live Q and A on January 19 at 01:00 p.m eastern time by referring just one person to my email list. Thanks to those of you who have already done that and thank you in advance to those of you who can help until next time. Thanks and goodbye.

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