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Welcome to episode 152 of The Non-anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama, and I am going to jump right into today's episode because I'm a little hoarse and so we need to get this going. Today, we're going to look at how to prepare yourself to deal with annoying family members. And it comes from an article in Fast Company titled Prepare Yourself for Family during the Holidays. I will put a link in the show notes. The premise of this article is that we use job skills to self regulate and deal with anxious systems all the time in the workplace, but we're not so good at it with family members.

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There are three reasons for this from a family system standpoint. The first is that the emotional stakes are typically higher with family members. We are more worried that and somehow we're going to damage our relationship, and so we are more likely to be reactive or adaptive. The second thing is complementary to this, and that is at work. We tend to have our guard up, we tend to be more guarded, and so are more likely to pause and think before we react, whereas with our family members, we've been with them for so long, we just let it fly, and that often is not the most helpful response.

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And then finally, the reactions that we have with family members are programmed into us because we have been doing these things for so long that we automatically react. The so called Amygdala Hijack has ingrained in the non reasoning part of our brain, the primitive part of our brain, certain habits, certain reactions to perceived threats, perceived provocations, and so we are much more likely to respond automatically without being able to self regulate. The main focus of this article is to let go of your prior assumptions. Try to go into the holidays with a blank slate so that you can avoid getting triggered in old ways.

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Try to see people a knew. The article has four different types of persons that you typically have to deal with during the holidays that annoy you. So I'll go through each one of them and give my family systems take on it, and then I will wrap it up with an overarching principle that I think is really helpful in dealing with family members in general.

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The first type of family member that the author, Gwen Moran, writes about is the so called Opinionator, she writes, "he wears his voting choice on his sleeve or on his hat. And we'll tell you all the reasons why you're wrong about the latest political news or polarizing current event. Ignoring conventional wisdom about discussing religion or politics. He dives into controversial conversations with the zeal of a teenager at a Taylor Swift concert." Moran's advice here is that you don't have to share your opinion. We often get baited into conversations like this because we feel like we need to respond, but that's rarely the case. This is basically a reminder to avoid the conflict of Wills. A conflict of Wills occurs when you are trying to convince the other that you are right and they are wrong.

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Don't argue, don't agree. This is where curiosity is really important. Instead of responding to refute the opinions of others, get curious. Listen, ask questions. Stay emotionally connected without getting into a debate. If in the end, the other makes it impossible to avoid debating, you can choose to leave. You can choose to not engage. You can say something like you are very near and dear to me, but I choose not to have this conversation right now and go into another room.

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The second type of family member characterized by Moran, the author is the Boundary Buster, "No matter how accomplished you are, you'll always be that awkward twelve year old in their eyes. They treat you like a child and make comments on everything from your clothing choices to your career progression to your romantic life. Nothing stops them from crossing the parameters of polite and respectful conversation to put their nose in your business." The advice from the author here is to try to get to the heart of the inquiry, what's going on with the other person, and why do they care so much?

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I think this can sometimes work, but oftentimes people don't know what's behind their nosiness. Moran recommends that if you can get to that understanding of why they care what their concern is for you, then you can respond in a way that helps alleviate that concern. One way to do this is to say what makes you ask or you can ask, Why do you ask? Longtime listeners will note that I typically avoid the use of why, because people don't know why, and it will likely shut down a conversation.

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In this case, if that is your preferred outcome, then ask, Why do you ask? And you will either shut down the conversation or you might get to the heart of things you'll understand if they really have a concern for you or if they're just being nosy. Alternatively, if you aren't able to shut down the conversation and if you can't really get to their concern, you can self differentiate. You can self define and you can say something like, I appreciate your concern, but I feel pretty confident that I can make the right choices, and if I don't, I'm resilient enough to adapt. Don't argue, don't agree, self define. This is the key to being a non-anxious presence.

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The third type of annoying family member is the freeloader. Moran writes. "This is the person who shows up late with extra people in tow and narry a side dish to offer. It's not that the freeloader is a bad person, but they never offer the least bit of assistance. When dinner is over, they make themselves scarce but can usually be found in front of the television while others clear away the meal. You're lucky if you get a thank you out of this person as they walk out the door." Moran's advice here is that you try to make clear your expectations in advance, and if you're not able to do that, then I would say be able to make your needs known, be able to do it in a self differentiated way. This is less about people invading boundaries or trying to get into a conflict of Wills with you and is more about just people being annoying people.

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Not stepping up. An example of how to set expectations is to say something like this before dinner. Grandma has done a great job of cooking, so I think it would be great if we all pitched in and cleaned up after the meal. If that doesn't work, if the person is sitting by the TV and you need to go ask to say what you need, then it's very important to do so in a self differentiated way. Don't define the other, which would be saying something like you need to help or asking, why aren't you helping?

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You're almost certain to get a snarky comment and probably not a positive response. Worse yet, they might start helping, but be really passive aggressive about it. The best way I can think of to make your request is to use Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication formula of observation. Feeling need request. It goes something like this. There's a lot of work to be done to clean up after such a great meal. That's the observation. I'm feeling tired right now, but I guess everybody is. I need some closure because I want to get this all done without sticking Grandma with the work before we leave the house.

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The need is the need for closure. Finally, the request is straightforward. Could you help me out in the kitchen for a few minutes now? This is no guarantee that you're going to get a positive response. But the important thing is you've made your request in a healthy way. If you get a positive response, great. If you don't, then the question is, how will you respond? It's clear you're not going to be able to make the other person help if they don't want to. So you don't want to say something like, I'm not sure we should let lazy people like you come to our holiday dinner.

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That's not going to be helpful. Take responsibility for yourself. Say something like this frustrates me, but that's okay. I can take care of myself. You can't make other people responsible, but there's nothing to say that in the future. If you are hosting, you have to invite somebody who's not willing to pitch in it's your choice. Either way, take responsibility for it.

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The final annoying family member that Miranda describes is the Pot Stir, "Some people love drama, whether they're spilling someone's confidence or gossiping about someone else.

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The pot stir loves to create conflict or tension. Nothing makes them happier than to orchestrate an argument and then sit back and watch the sparks fly disavowing any responsibility for what's happening." This is similar to the opinionator in that we feel the need to engage, but nothing requires us to engage. You can listen. You can redirect the conversation to something else, or you can say, I see how strong your feelings are about this and let them go on their own rent, or you can get playful and sit back and say, I'm interested to see how this one comes out.

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The bottom line here is define yourself. Don't define others. Don't take the bait. The big family systems take away here is that many of the annoying behaviors that you will encounter during the holidays and in general from family members are a push for togetherness. They are a desire for connection. This is especially true with the person that is not addressed in this article, and that's the one who is criticizing you or questioning your goals. What we tend to want to do with people who criticize us or people who annoy us is react, adapt, or withdraw.

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But none of these responses are helpful when we understand that people are just trying to connect with us in their own way, in their own unhealthy way, in a way the only way that they understand. Then we can move closer in a helpful way. We can selfdifferentiated. We can say I care about you. We can say I know you care about me, but we can also keep healthy boundaries. We can self define. We can say I know you care for me and love me. I love you too, but I can take care of myself.

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Thanks for caring so much understanding this desire for connection is one of the most important things you can do with family during the holidays. It will help you to respond in healthy ways, and it will help you to avoid your own aggravation. This is what nonanxious leaders do. That's it for episode 152, a little bit shorter, but my voice made it through the whole way. And if you're new to this podcast, you can go to thenonanxiousleader. com/podcast and you can see ten episodes that I recommend that you start with.

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If you're wanting to learn more about family systems theory. And thanks to the listeners who helped me to curate that list next week, I'm going to do another episode on dealing with family during the holidays, and it will be on how to deal with estrangement until next time. Thanks and goodbye.

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