[00:00:34.250]
Welcome to episode 146 of the Non-anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode is based on an article from the online publication Psyche titled How to Be Anxious. Now You Know Me. As soon as I see something about being anxious, it gets my attention, let alone an article that says how to be Anxious that implies that we want to be anxious. So what is this about? First of all, the author, David Egan, distinguishes between clinical anxiety and existential anxiety. Of course, clinical anxiety is debilitating. This is not something any of us want.

[00:01:16.850]
What Egan is talking about is existential anxiety. Existential anxiety is when we are focused on life's, meaning the freedom that we have. It is the struggle to understand ourselves. We experience existential anxiety when we're trying to figure out what we want out of life, and it can give us feelings of discontent and distress. Egan uses what he calls the philosophical approach to existential anxiety. He cites the work of three philosophers, Soren Kierkegaard from the 19th century and early 20th century philosophers John Paul Sartre and Martin Heidegger.

[00:01:56.930]
Kirkegard wrote that anxiety is the consequence of an honest confrontation with freedom. Of course. He also notes that we often don't feel this anxiety because we go along with the crowd. What Kirkard is saying is that we experience anxiety. Existential anxiety because we know that we must take responsibility for self. It is the tension between the freedom to choose and going along with the crowd, which is conforming to surrounding togetherness pressure. So while anxiety may not be something we want to experience, its presence could be a signal that we are struggling with issues of self and freedom.

[00:02:37.370]
Who do we really want to become? That is what are our goals and values? And how are they in conflict with the surroundings togetherness pressures in our lives? According to Sartre, anxiety is the recognition of the radical freedom of our future selves in relation to our present selves. This takes Kierkegaard's understanding a step further by highlighting the tension between who we are and who we want to become. It emphasizes responsibility for self because no one can help us become the person we want to be.

[00:03:11.870]
But if we do this, we stop blaming or defining others as well as wishing that they could change to make our lives better. These latter approaches will only increase our anxiety because they will not only not work, they are likely to produce the opposite result. Finally, Egan notes that Heidegger believed that one reason we experience existential anxiety is because we don't realize that the world is interdependent, that the world isn't a bunch of individual items, but is, as Egan says, an interconnected whole bound together by care.

[00:03:47.930]
I believe what Heidegger is referring to is the tension between individuality and emotional connection. It is the challenge of self selfdifferentiation. We can't navigate the world without acknowledging that we are connected to it, especially to the people in our lives. Going it alone is not only narcissistic, it's a recipe for disaster. As a leader, you will end up isolated, burned out, and likely without any followers. At the same time. If we allow ourselves to be defined by the things around us, whether they are persons, organizations, or cultures, we lose our sense of self and can feel smothered and stuck.

[00:04:24.410]
This is also a disaster in the making. Instead of leading, you will be conforming to the values and ideas that come from outside of yourself instead of from where you believe God is leading. For all three philosophers, anxiety comes when our own freedom comes into conflict with the pressure to conform to the world around us. In short, surrounding togetherness pressure. Anxiety is uncomfortable because it reminds us that things don't have to be this way, but it provides no direction about how to do things differently. Your primary task as a leader is to prayerfully discern where God is calling you to lead, then to express it in a healthy way.

[00:05:04.070]
The anxiety you feel about this is normal. It's a sign that you are on the right track. The question is, how do you manage this anxiety so it can become your friend? Existential anxiety is the realization that things can be different. It's the challenge that comes with knowing that we have the freedom to choose. But that also means taking responsibility for self. This is part of our calling as persons, Christians, and leaders. One way to manage this anxiety is to reflect on it in a way that helps us to better understand ourselves.

[00:05:40.490]
This can help move us toward integrity, where our actions reflect our values. Egan suggests playing the game of why. Here's the example he gives in the article in which you are having a conversation with a child, the child begins. What are you doing? I'm sending an email to my boss. Why? Because I want to update her on the project that I'm working on. Why? Because I want to stay on my boss's good side. Why? Because I don't want to lose my job. Why? Because I don't want to have to worry about money.

[00:06:18.710]
The point of this exercise is to help get to what is driving your desire to get to a new place. It's to help define your goals and values, to help articulate them specifically in a way that is able to motivate you to move forward even when there is surrounding togetherness pressure. This form of self reflection can result in surrounding togetherness pressure having less of a grip on you. A good question to ask, according to Egan, is, Why am I so invested in this. This approach can also help you to embrace what you fear while at the same time claiming your why anxiety is experiencing failure in advance.

[00:07:01.490]
But if we embrace it as comfort, it begins to lose its hold on us. And if we understand the goals and values, the why behind where we want to go, then we are more likely to sustain a nonanxious presence when we encounter the anxiety of others. This is how you create intentionality in your life, and it comes from understanding your goals and your values. The second thing you can do when you encounter existential anxiety is to de familiarize the familiar. Egan recommends an exercise where you examine something so much in detail that it becomes strange to you.

[00:07:37.970]
He compares this to the phenomenon of semantic satiation, where you say a word so many times that it sounds funny to you. It loses its meaning as a word and becomes a funny sound. I want to suggest a similar approach towards anxiety producing relationships. My guess is that you aren't listening to this podcast because you are a narcissist. If you were, you wouldn't really care about working on yourself because all your problems would be everybody else's fault. You're listening because you have the opposite challenge. Your emotional connection to others is a source of anxiety because you're trying to balance individuality and connection, but the surrounding togetherness pressure makes it difficult.

[00:08:17.210]
Acknowledging that things could be different could be better is acknowledging that you have the freedom, the responsibility to do something about it. This produces anxiety, but it is also the first step in using that anxiety to help you grow de familiarizing. The familiar involves thinking about your most anxiety producing relationship and thinking about the other person in such detail that they become strange to you. Start by thinking about their mannerisms, facial expressions and body language. Move on to their voice, its tone, and their favorite expressions.

[00:08:50.930]
If you can do this when they're actually in the room even better, but do so without judgment. This is a form of mindfulness where you accept the present and in this case, the person without judgment. Next, think about how they function, what sets them off, what calms them down, what pain might they be experiencing? This is cognitive, empathy or perspective taking. It's trying to understand where the other is coming from. It's important to do this without judging. This is not about whether their perspective is right or wrong.

[00:09:22.970]
It's understanding that it just is. The purpose of this exercise is to create some emotional space so that you can avoid reactive or adaptive responses with this person by seeing them as a separate person with their own beliefs, values, and pain points, you begin to understand that their anxiety is not about you but about what is going on inside of them. Then you can focus on your own self awareness and intentionality. Your anxiety can be assigned to you that you want to make things better, but you know it's going to be hard.

[00:09:59.090]
That's okay. By acknowledging this, you keep this challenge from becoming a problem. You embrace the discomfort even as you are anxious and uncomfortable about what is required of you. You also embrace your why. For example, if your wise to have closer family relationships, you know that means being more self differentiated in your family of origin. And if it's hard to take a stand with a parent or other family member, you can remind yourself that by being able to express yourself in a nonanxious way, you pave the way to actually grow closer to them and others in the system.

[00:10:34.070]
What also happens is that when you are able to self differentiate, others in the family will want to connect with you as well, resulting in the desired closer relationships. Or as a leader, if you are trying to cast vision and lead change, you know that means being able to express why you believe this is important. It also means moving closer to those who are most anxious about what that change will bring. This means being able to connect with them without trying to change them. Not easy, but it's easier than trying to convince them to agree with you.

[00:11:07.790]
Life is hard. Leading is hard. Understanding that your anxiety is a sign that your values and goals are in conflict with surrounding togetherness. Pressure is a good thing because it's the first step in doing something about it. Non nonanxious leader recognize this and do the hard work necessary to be their best selves while remaining a non nonanxious presence. Do this and your future self. Well, thank you. That's it for episode 146. You can connect with me at thenonaxiousleader. com and you can find the show notes at the thenonaxiousleader. com/146 until next time. Thanks and goodbye.

[00:12:16.890]