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Welcome to Episode 135 of the Non-anxious Leader Podcast, I'm Jack Shitama today's topic was suggested by a listener, so let's get right into it. Murray Bowen worked on developing Family systems theory for over a decade before adding emotional cut-off as one of his eight major concepts in Family systems theory.

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The Bowen Center at Georgetown University defines cut-off this way, "The concept of emotional cut-off describes how people manage their unresolved emotional issues with parents, siblings and other family members. By reducing or totally cutting off emotional contact with them, emotional contact can be reduced by moving away from family and rarely going home. Or it can be reduced by staying in physical contact with family but avoiding sensitive issues. Relationships may look better if people cut off to manage them, but the problems are dormant, not resolved."

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Cut off like emotional distance is not necessarily physical distance, one can live close to a relative and cut off emotional connection in the extreme. This means refusing to connect at all. As noted, there can still be physical connection, but an avoidance of anxiety producing topics and situations. One way to understand this is that cutoff is a response to increased emotional intensity, this intensity is directly proportional to the lack of differentiation in the system. That is, the more surrounding togetherness pressure reactivity and lack of healthy emotional stands, the more likely there will be a cutoff.

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Another way to put it is the less differentiation in a system, the greater the emotional intensity, and the harder it is to take. The easiest way to deal with this is to create emotional distance by avoiding anxiety producing situations or by cutting it off altogether. According to Bowen theory, emotional cutoff occurs when an adult is unable to manage unresolved attachment with her parents or siblings. "Everyone has some degree of unresolved attachment to his or her original family, but well, differentiated people have much more resolution than less differentiated people.

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And unresolved attachment can take many forms. For example, one, a person feels more like a child when he is home and looks to his parents to make decisions for him that he can make for himself, or two, a person feels guilty when he is in more contact with his parents and feels he must solve their conflicts or distresses or three, a person feels enraged that his parents do not seem to understand or approve of him. An unresolved attachment relates to the immaturity of both the parents and the adult child.

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But people typically blame themselves or others for the problems." The underlying question here is, can you be an adult with your parents and siblings, can you say what you believe while remaining a non-anxious presence? The harder it is for you to do this, the more emotional intensity there will be and the more likely there will be cut off to some degree. There are two components to this intensity. The first is the Surrounding togetherness pressure in the system.

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You can't do much about that. The second is the degree to which you are unable to self-differentiated this is related to the first, but is more about your own desire and ability to remain a non-anxious presence when the surrounding togetherness pressure gets its worst. How do you recognize unresolved emotional attachment again, here's the Bowen center, "People often look forward to going home, hoping things will be different, but old interactions usually surface within hours. This may take the form of surface harmony with powerful emotional undercurrents or it may deteriorate into shouting matches and hysterics.

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Both the person and his family may feel exhausted after even a brief family visit. It may be easier for parents if an adult child keeps her distance. They get so anxious and reactive when she is home that they are relieved when she leaves. The siblings of a highly cut off member often get furious when he is home, blaming him for upsetting the parents. People do not want it to be this way, but the sensitivities of all parties preclude comfortable contact."

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In general, the greater the cutoff, the greater the intensity of the unresolved attachment, greater intensity means more reactive or adaptive behavior and the inability to self-differentiated one family systems theory expert describes this as being allergic to others in the system. So now that you have a basic understanding of the dynamics of emotional cut off, the question is how do you deal with it? The first rule here is to avoid pursuing someone who has cut themselves off from the rest of the system.

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This is a basic principle of family systems theory when you pursue another who doesn't want emotional connection, it will only cause them to move further away and perhaps get even more reactive. I addressed this idea in what I call the magnet theory of emotional connection in Episode 103. I will post a link in the show notes. The bottom line here is that pursuing another will destroy emotional space, which then increases the emotional intensity and the likelihood of reactivity, no good can come of any of this, and it will only make the cutoff deeper.

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What's most important is to take responsibility for yourself without demanding anything from the other. Well, this may not change things immediately. It is certain that if you pursue the other, it will cause things to get worse. One subtle point to remember here is that criticism is a form of pursuit when you criticize another, it's actually a push for togetherness. It's a desire to get them to come around to your way of thinking. So it creates surrounding togetherness pressure.

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This is not helpful in any situation, especially in a cut off. The second thing to do in an emotional cut off is to try to get out of the triangles involved when there is a cut off, they will be reinforced by any triangles. For example, if your sister has cut herself off from you and the only means of communication is through your mother, then it will be important to get out of that triangle. If she's able to use your mother as a means of communicating with you, then there's no incentive to communicate directly.

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So if your mother says your sister has said something about you, you can respond with, well, that's fine, Mom. But she's decided not to communicate with me. If she wants to tell me something, she can tell me something herself. I'd like to be in connection with her, but she's made her choice. Of course, this also means not trying to communicate with your sister through your mother, avoiding any temptation to send messages to her through your mother.

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We'll take self-regulation as well. The point is, is that triangles allow the stuckness of a situation to remain and in the case of cut off, staying in those triangles enables that cut off to remain or even grow deeper. Because cutoff is related to unresolved emotional attachment, it may be possible that your sister actually has trouble being an adult with your mom and is using you as a form of blame displacement. This enables her to avoid taking responsibility for yourself and focusing anger on you.

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Instead, in this type of situation, Edwin Friedman would recommend what he calls getting on the other side of the triangle. There are a couple of ways that this might work. One would be if your mom starts complaining to you about your sister. And of course, a healthy response would be to say, well, that's between you and her. But then you could contact your sister, assuming you've developed enough trust with her and say mom is really having a problem with what you're doing.

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As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter to me, but I thought you should know about it. And, jeez, what a pain that must be. This gets you on your sister's side of that triangle between your mom and her and might ultimately enable her to function differently. Another way to go about this is if you are having some sort of run in with your mom to contact your sister and say, boy, I'm really struggling with what mom is telling me to do right now, what do you think about that?

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Again, the point here is not to get your sister's answers or not to get her involved with fixing your problems is to get out of the triangle between her and mom. If there is unresolved emotional attachment with your mother, getting on your sister's side of the triangle makes it harder to be mad at you and will make it more possible for her to take responsibility for whatever issues there are. This is not a certainty, again, but as long as she can be mad at you and not deal with mom, you're certain to be stuck in the cut off that is reinforced by this type of triangle.

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I mentioned that it is important to have a certain amount of trust in the relationship despite the cut off, and that leads to the third thing that you can do, which is to maintain healthy contact by sharing how you are doing. This has nothing to do with trying to convince the other that they need to reconnect with you. It's mainly just an unobtrusive way, a noninvasive way to maintain contact with the other. Sending a birthday card, sending a Christmas card without demanding anything is a good way to do this.

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If you can also in those cards share a little bit about how things are going with you that can make a difference as well. This is all about emotional connection and not about trying to influence them to change their mind. It's also important to remember that this can take a long time. It's important to think long term in situations like this rather than looking for a quick fix. And that leads to the fourth thing that you can do in an emotional cut off, having a long term approach to this is really important because it will enable you to buy your time until the appropriate moment.

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And those appropriate moments often occur during what are called life cycle ceremonies. Life cycle ceremonies are rituals that celebrate particular passages such as funerals, weddings, baptisms, graduations, retirements, etc.. Of these, the funeral is the most powerful. But in any of these, a system is more open to potential change. This is where it is essential to be a non-anxious presence, especially because sometimes emotions can run high. But being connected to others and remaining non-anxious offers opportunity for change.

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In these situations, it's important to show that you care without making demands, for example, you might say to the one who has cut themselves off, I get that you don't want to have anything to do with me, but I've missed you. I'm not saying that anything has to change. I just want you to know how I feel. If the life cycle ceremony centers around that person, perhaps it's their wedding day or the graduation of one of their children.

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You can say something like, I'm really happy for you or I'm proud of you. Along with this idea that you've missed the connection with them. Again, there are no guarantees and all of this that things will get better, but it is much more likely to happen if you can express your caring in a healthy way during a lifecycle ceremony. I believe there are two main takeaways in all of this for the Non-anxious leader. The first is that learning to deal in healthy ways with cut off in your own family of origin will help the family function better and will help you be less anxious.

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Second, the ways to deal with cut off apply to any system, even when there's not a cut off. Not pursuing those who resist your leadership while remaining connected is critical. Recognizing the triangles that keep the system stuck and getting out of them is important as well, and understanding that when there are major changes, there are opportunities for change that will open up and how you might lead the system. In the case of congregations and work systems. These changes are less ceremonial and more about things like somebody retiring, hiring a new person, a pastoral change, of course, and changes in leadership that otherwise occur naturally.

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And in the congregational system, there are life cycle ceremonies like the death of an important person that can also provide openings for healthy change in the congregational system. Leadership through Self-differentiation requires self-regulation, taking responsibility for self and the willingness to stay connected, even when it makes you anxious. But these are the things that effective leaders do. So that's it for episode 135. Thanks again to the listener who recommended this topic, please connect with me at the Non-anxious leader dot com and recommend a topic for a future episode that I can dig into and help us all until next time.

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Thanks and goodbye.