We never lock our doors. At least we didn’t used to.

Now that my 98-year-old mother lives with us things are different. She worries about “robbers” coming in and attacking her. She says, “I’m the first one they will get to when they come in.“

I tried being paradoxical and playful with her. I would say things like, “You can take them.“ Or “Just send them downstairs to us.“.

It didn’t work.

Paradox and playfulness are ways to avoid a conflict of wills. A conflict of wills occurs when you try to convince the other that you are right. The implication is that they are wrong. This usually doesn’t end well. The point of being paradoxical and playful is to push the other person in the other direction so they realize it’s not worth fighting.

But that didn’t work with my mom. She kept saying that she was the one the robbers were going to attack.

So the question was, what do I do?

I say often that there is a constant tension between individuality and the pressure to conform (surrounding togetherness pressure). There is a part of me that doesn’t want to give into my mom. I know that she’s being irrational. But I also know that no amount of paradox and playfulness (let alone my logical arguments) are going to convince her that it’s safe to leave the doors unlocked.

So I gave up my need to be right.

Self-differentiation isn’t always about standing your ground. Sometimes it’s knowing when to choose connection over individuality. That’s what I did in this situation with my mom. I can live with that.

I will admit that there are times when she asks to lock the doors and close the windows that I want to push back. But then I come to my senses, and I do what my mom asks. Even at age 60 I am still growing up. That’s life. And life is good.