I took my grandson around the neighborhood recently. He rides his balance bike and I walk. It’s a great way to get outside and spend time together.
We were going by a neighbor’s house when he came out into his yard and started chatting. Then he said, “You know Reverend Jack, I’ve lost a lot of friends over that flag.” He was pointing to a campaign flag for the presidential candidate he supports. He went on to say that it has caused tension between him and some of his friends and acquaintances in the neighborhood.
I responded, “You know I have a sign in my yard (for the other candidate), but that doesn’t need to come between us.”
Things are getting tense. My wife said as much the other day when she was on Facebook. Nice, decent people that we know are going at it over the election.
Let’s all take a deep breath.
In family systems theory, our reaction to something externally says more about us than what we’re experiencing. If we’re self-differentiated, we are less likely to take things personally. Even if it annoys or angers us, we’re able to self-regulate without getting reactive.
On the other hand, if our blood starts boiling, and we feel the need to convince the other person that they’re wrong, we need to ask ourselves, “What’s going on in me?” To the extent that we feel the need to define others, there is some unresolved issue in our own life, typically from our family of origin.
This usually goes back to someone with whom we are unable to take a non-anxious, emotional stand. Someone whose very presence can cause our anxiety to spike and our reactive mechanisms to kick into gear.
Jesus said, ““Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5)”
This gets to the heart of self-differentiation. Rather than trying to define others (judging), we take responsibility for self. We know that it’s neither helpful nor effective to judge others or try to control them. Instead, we focus on what we can control, our own responses. When we do this in a thoughtful, prayerful way, we can be an instrument of peace, not conflict.
So let’s all take a deep breath.
Our differences in opinion or belief don’t need to destroy us. Unless we let them.
A non-anxious leader models healthy, life-giving behavior. We need this now, more than ever.
A note about breathing: If you’ve followed my work, you know that I’m a big proponent of breathing to reduce anxiety and stress. The research on this is clear. Deep-breathing can move us quickly from a “fight or flight” state to a “rest and digest” state. Just this morning I took my blood pressure. Then I did about 30 seconds of deep-breathing. My systolic (big number) went down 14 points. My diastolic went down nine points. It works.
