My mother just turned 100. She’s an amazing, determined, strong-willed woman. She has supported and encouraged me throughout my life. Even so (or because of this), I had a hard time standing up to her when I was growing up. It wasn’t her. It was me. But, as I learned about self-differentiation and began working on myself, I got better at it.

In 2015, our oldest daughter’s wedding was held on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. It’s a place where our family has vacationed nearly every year since 1990. We rented a big house and made it a week-long celebration.

The wedding itself took place at the end of March. That’s an iffy time weather-wise. It can be really nice or windy and cold. On the wedding day, it was not only windy and cold, there was also a light rain. The ceremony was to take place on the large deck, which faced the ocean.

As the appointed time approached, my mom (who was a spry 91 year-old) kept telling me that we had to move the ceremony inside. I felt pressure to comply. But I also knew about emotional triangles and realized that she was asking me to interfere with my daughter’s wishes.

When the moment of truth arrived, I asked my daughter, “What do you want to do?”

Her reply was, “I’m getting married on the deck.”

I replied, “Then that’s what we’ll do.” It was settled, and everybody went along, even my mom.

I recall this moment because, for me, it was one of those times where remaining a non-anxious presence was not only helpful, it was life-giving. I still have many moments when I don’t do as well under pressure, but I believe that understanding and applying family systems theory has helped me be a better person, family member and leader.