Self‑regulation is the ability to manage your own anxiety when tensions rise. It’s not about suppressing feelings or pretending everything is fine—it’s about staying grounded enough to respond in a healthy, intentional way. This Harvard Business Review article, How to Keep Your Cool in High Stress Situations, lays out five practical steps rooted in Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory. This framework explains how our nervous system toggles between defense and connection, and why the vagus nerve plays such a central role in calming us down.

When anxiety hits, our body typically cycles through three levels of response:

• Immobilization (freeze): Rare in humans, but possible when we shut down completely.
• Mobilization (fight or flight): The heart races, adrenaline surges, and we either lash out (reactivity) or give in without expressing ourselves (adaptivity).
• Engagement and connection: When safety returns, the parasympathetic system quiets our defenses, oxytocin is released, and trust becomes possible again.

The goal of self‑regulation is to move ourselves toward that third level—engagement and connection—even when the situation is tense. Here’s my take on the authors’ approach.

Step 1: Understand Your State

The first move is simply noticing where you are. Are you frozen, fighting, or fleeing? Training yourself to pause and ask, What’s going on inside me right now? interrupts the automatic cycle of reactivity. It feels awkward at first, but people rarely object when you take a thoughtful pause.

Step 2: Use Self-Awareness

Pay attention to your body. Is your heart pounding? Is your breath shallow? These are signs of fight‑or‑flight. Self‑awareness is key here. I also recommend practicing deep breathing regularly. Long, slow exhales activate the vagus nerve and shift you into the parasympathetic “rest and digest” state. When practiced daily, this becomes a tool you can reach for in anxious moments.

Step 3: Recall Past Successes

Think back to times when you’ve handled anxious encounters well. Write them down. Then, when you face that person who always spikes your blood pressure, you can remind yourself: I’ve done this before. I can do it again. Recalling past victories builds hope and confidence in the present. Taking time for reflection and preparation can help you do better in the moment.

Step 4: Focus on Intention

Let go of ego. Don’t argue to prove you’re right, and don’t cave to show you care. Instead, anchor yourself in your higher purpose—your values, your mission, your calling. This shift not only calms your own anxiety but also fosters trust in others. Oxytocin flows when we connect around purpose, not defensiveness.

Step 5: Trust the Process

Finally, lean into emotional connection. Even when someone is upset, your non‑anxious presence creates space for calmer, healthier conversation. I’ve seen this firsthand in difficult moments—listening, staying grounded, and refusing to react defensively allowed me to hear concerns without abandoning my convictions. That’s the essence of leadership through self-differentiation.

Self‑regulation isn’t about perfection. It’s about cultivating self-awareness, practicing intentionality, and trusting that connection is possible even in anxious moments. When you manage your own anxiety, you make room for others to do the same—that’s how healthier families, congregations and organizations develop.