I’d like to discuss some of the issues that divide us as Christians. Where should I start? Take your pick: immigration, gun control, abortion, Black Lives Matter, the death penalty. Oh, and there is same sex marriage and the ordination of LGBTQ persons.

I’ve done a lot of thinking and praying about these topics and I’ve realized that if everyone just agreed with me, we’d all be fine. At least I would be fine.

Of course, that’s not happening. Our world and our nation are so divided politically that people can barely discuss politics without hateful and hurtful language. I get that this is how things are in the world.

But Jesus’ followers are supposed to be different. We are supposed to love our neighbor as ourselves.

It would be easy to say we should separate faith and politics; that we should simply focus on loving God and neighbor. I think that’s a cop out. If we genuinely love our neighbor, then part of living out our faith is to follow God’s call to make the world a better place…on earth as it is in heaven.

So how do we love one another, despite our differences? I have four suggestions.

First, let go of the need to be right.

It’s great to have conviction. It’s important to know what you believe. But trying to convince another that you are right, and she is wrong will get you nowhere. At best it will cause walls to go up and relationships to chill. At worst it will become hateful and hurtful.

There’s a practical side to this, as well. Research shows that when someone’s beliefs are challenged, they will not only resist, but they will double down on their belief. Convincing someone to agree with you not only won’t work, but it will also harden the division between you.

Second, listen.

Rather than forcing a debate about differing opinions, foster emotional connection with the other by listening, really listening, to what’s behind her beliefs. Again, there is a practical side to this. Research shows that the most likely way to change someone’s mind is to listen to them. I’m not suggesting we do this to manipulate the other. I am suggesting that it opens the possibility for establishing some common ground.

A few years back I was at our Annual Conference of United Methodist Churches. A friend and colleague was setting up a display for an advocacy group whose position was opposite mine. I felt compelled to approach her and have a conversation. I asked her about her goals and the goals of the organization. I asked her what it would take for her to keep our denomination together. She shared what she thought and then asked me to do the same. I shared my thoughts, as well. We found a little common ground. Not much. But more importantly, we were able to have a conversation, to hear each other, and to actually deepen our respect as friends and colleagues.

Third, be vulnerable.

Rather than fiercely protecting your position. Share your fears. Not in an accusing way, but in a way that lets the other know that what you think and believe is real.

I was with this same friend and colleague about a year later at a retreat. It was after dinner and she, her husband and I were discussing the same topic. I said, “I feel like my side is going to lose.” She laughed and said, “We feel the same way.”

Then we thought about it. What wasn’t funny was the prospect that division in the church could divide us as people who care for one another. We made a commitment that evening to treat each other with grace and respect, no matter what the future would bring.

Finally, say what you believe while giving others the freedom to disagree.

The mark of a self-differentiated leader is the ability to stand on her convictions in a way that creates healthy conversation. She knows she may be wrong. She knows that others may not agree with her. This doesn’t (necessarily) change what she believes. But she knows that the best thing she can do for the people she leads is to give them the CHOICE to follow. Forcing them to follow will backfire. Remaining a non-anxious presence and allowing others to choose their own path creates the emotional space that makes common ground possible.

We are in, but not of the world. How we treat others who disagree with us matters. It is our witness as a people of faith. It is also a sign of effective leadership.