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Welcome to episode 331 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leader.com. I love to hear your questions, comments, and ideas for new episodes. You can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can find out about coaching, about my speaking engagements, and the books I've written, as well as sign up for my Two for Tuesday email newsletter. I'll also put a link to that in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work, you can become a patron for as few as $5 a month It helps me to bring you all these resources. Thanks in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 331, the Mel Robbins Let Them Theory is Self Differentiation, Part 3. In the last two episodes, I went through how Mel Robbins Let Them Theory resonates with family systems theory. In part one, I covered the basics of this theory, and in part two, I showed the parallels with leadership through self-differentiation. If you haven't listened to those episodes, I encourage you to at least listen to part one before you listen to this episode.

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The main reason I believe Robin Robin's approach echoes family systems theory is that it emphasizes the two main components of self-differentiation, emotional connection and self-definition, or what Robin calls autonomy. It emphasizes the need to balance the two. Today, I'll cover the concept of over-functioning and the similarities between the two theories. In chapter 16, The more you rescue, the more they sink, Robbins digs into the concept of overfunctioning. She maintains that rescuing people from the natural consequences of their actions prevents them from developing the motivation to change. This parallels Murray Bowen's concept of overfunctioning, underfunctioning reciprocity within relationship systems. When one person consistently overreaches, overfunctions to solve another's problems, they create an imbalance in which the other under functions. Bowen identified this as a central pattern in dysfunctional family systems. A key point here is that Robin says that real support for others means being able to allow them to face their struggles while staying connected to them. In Generation to Generation, Edwin Friedmann describes this as challenge. Life is full of challenges. When you face them, you grow stronger and more resilient. In his lectures, Friedmann would say he had a bias towards challenge and not comfort.

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What he meant is that encouraging others in the face of challenge rather than over functioning is the best gift we can give to another. Or as Robbins puts it, The most loving thing you can do is to stop rescuing people from the pain that could finally motivate them to change. She points out that you can't want someone else's healing more than they do. In family systems terms, this is a sign that your own tolerance of their pain is lower than theirs, and your tendency will be to rescue or over function. She also notes that rescuing prevents what may be a necessary rock bottom moment. Sometimes it's only when someone hits rock bottom that they are motivated to change. This is a common theme in recovery from substance abuse, but it applies to many situations. Or, as Edwin Friedmann said, fed up is a gift. What this highlights is the connection Friedmann makes between pain and responsibility. You can't make another person responsible. In fact, trying to make them responsible will have the opposite effect. It's only when someone experiences the pain and consequences of their actions that they are more likely to take responsibility for self.

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Friedmann maintains that when you face your own pain, that is your own challenges, and take responsibility for self, you will increase your threshold for the pain of others. Put another way, embracing life This challenges with a sense of agency and willingness to endure pain for the sake of growth will increase your ability to let another do the same without intervening and rescuing. According to Robbins, how you do this depends on providing the right support. In her book, Robbins defines three levels or types of support. The first is harmful help. An example of This is when we rescue others with financial bailouts. This type of help is characterized by making excuses for others, covering up their problems, and ultimately taking responsibility for them. The second level of help is healthy support. This is self-differentiation. It's characterized by setting clear boundaries, offering resources but not rescuing, maintaining connection, and allowing consequences. For example, you might say to someone who struggles with addiction, I will allow you to live here as long as you stay clean. If not, you will have to leave. I'll still love you, but I love you too much to enable your addiction. This is not an example from Robin's book, but this is my interpretation of healthy support.

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Of course, the hard part is keeping the boundary. Family systems theory predicts that they will fall off the wagon, which is sabotage. It's not necessarily a conscious testing of the boundary, but it's likely to happen. Being able to follow through means being able to tolerate your own pain in watching them suffer. It means being able to do this as a non-anxious presence. Otherwise, they will focus on your reactivity instead of taking responsibility for self. Robin's third level of support is emergency intervention. In this case, when someone's safety is at risk or there is a legal crisis, then it changes how and when to set a boundary and leave others to their own devices. When there is an emergency situation, it's okay to intervene to address the immediate crisis. However, once that's done, it's important to then pivot to healthy support. To know when and how to offer support, Robbins offers some helpful guidelines. As noted, you can feel free to step in when there is an immediate danger, when professional help is needed, when legal issues arise, and/or when there's a medical emergency. In this case, emotional connection takes precedence over self-definition. Robin says you should step back when chronic patterns continue, help is refused when you are enabling, and/or when boundaries are violated.

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This emphasizes self-definition more than emotional connection, although both are important. It's important to note that how you step back is critical. If you do this as a non-anxious presence, that is, by clearly defining self while showing care and concern, then you have a better chance of the other taking responsibility for self. In other words, you are self-defining while staying emotionally connected. On the other hand, if you are defensive combative, combative, or blaming, you are not only not a non-anxious presence, you make it about you, and the other will be likely to focus on you rather than taking responsibility for self. Robin's guidelines are helpful in how to set the conditions. She notes that setting clear expectations with specific requirements, perhaps even including professional help, and responding with consistent consequences, creates healthy boundaries. I believe this is true of any situation when whatever you need to define self, whether it's in your family, congregation, or organization. Being able to say what you are willing to put up with and not, as well as what you will do if a boundary is crossed, is a key to self-differentiation. Doing this in a healthy way is what it means to be a non-anxious presence.

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I was once asked during a speaking engagement if being a non-anxious presence just means letting others do whatever they want without reacting. That's not the case. That's more like a non-anxious non-presence. What makes you a non-anxious presence is the ability to take a stand, to set a boundary in a healthy way. That is, remaining calm, defining self and not the other, while showing your care and concerns. Learn. Finally, Robbins offers a support framework which acknowledges that things don't always go as planned. She suggests that before a crisis, you establish clear boundaries, know your limits, and build a support network. This is taking a stand as a non-anxious presence. During struggles, she says you need to maintain your boundaries while offering help that is specific to the situation while allowing consequences to occur. In family systems terms, this means showing care and concern while being able to let the other experience the pain of their actions. The more you have worked through your own pain, the more likely you will be able to do this. After setbacks, she encourages reassessing your approach and adjusting boundaries if needed, as well as keeping doors open. This is not giving in, it's being realistic while trying to maintain emotional connection.

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One final note, you'll get it wrong often, maybe more often, then you get it right. But as Bill Selby says, every sentence ends with a comma, not a period. You may step in and rescue. You may get defensive. You may get aggressive. It's okay. If you can regroup and reflect on how you'd like things to go the next time, you can try again. This is how you get better. You will get stronger, and those you care about will have a better chance to do the same. That's it for episode 331. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you have found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.