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Welcome to Episode 284 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before I get into today's episode, I want to remind you that you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can sign up for my weekly Two for Tuesday email newsletter there, or I'll put a link in the show notes where you can also sign up. If you have questions or ideas for future episodes, you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Now for today's episode. I have found that family systems theory has helped me to understand what is behind my automatic reactions, as well as the importance of presenting oneself as a non-anxious presence, especially in anxious situations. But that is easier said than done. As I've said before, self-regulation is the first step to exercising integrity in the moment of choice. Interrupting your automatic responses is essential to self-differentiation. When you are able to do that, you can be intentional about how to respond in a way that is not only non-anxious, but is consistent with your goals and values.

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Last fall, I participated in something called Positive Intelligence. It's a six-week program and then has ongoing practices after that that actually helps you to increase your ability to be a non-anxious presence. Positive Intelligence, or PQ, is a concept developed by Shiraz Shalmin and is explained in a book by the same name. I'll post a link in the show notes. Pq refers to the ability to choose your thoughts and emotions in the moment so you can be your best. It's about responding to life's challenges with a positive rather than a negative mindset. If family systems is the theory that helps you to understand how to be a non-anxious presence, then PQ PQ is the practice that helps you to do that. Your level of positive intelligence, that is your PQ or mental fitness, is an indication of the control you have over your mind, as well as how often you are able to act in your own best interests. In other words, your PQ is a measure of how well you self-regulate and self-differentiate. Your positive intelligence quotient is the percentage of time that your brain is working positively, that is, to serve you, versus working negatively, that is, working against your own best interests.

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If you have a PQ of 75, that means your brain is working for you 75% of the time and against you 25% of the time. This number, 75, is considered the tipping point in terms of well-being and performance. If you can act in your own best interests 75% of the time or more, you will feel better and do better. I'll note that Murray Bowen said that the best we can hope for is to self-differentiate 50% of the time. I'm not sure exactly how to reconcile the discrepancy here, but I will say that positive intelligence has helped me to differentiate more often. Shiraz Shamin uses two terms to describe the two opposing forces in your brain. The positive force is called your sage. In family systems terms, this is your differentiated, non-anxious self. It knows who you are and how you want to act. Pq describes the sage as the deeper and wiser part of you that is able to keep focused on the big picture and not get sidetracked by the issues of the moment. The sage knows your goals and values and knows how you want to respond in difficult and challenging and even anxious situations.

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The opposite of the sage are your saboteurs. They are reactivity personified. They are the automatic internal voices that were developed as survival and coping mechanisms while growing up. They live in the primitive part of the brain, which is why they are able to hijack your thinking brain. There is one master saboteur, the judge, and nine accompliced saboteurs. Your judge is not only the primary negative voice that you hear, it also activates the other negative voices, your accomplice saboteurs. Your judge likes to exaggerate the negative and assume the worst. It finds fault with self, others, and circumstances. That is, it blames you, others, and the situation at hand. In family systems terms, the judge is great at avoiding taking responsibility for self. It's not surprising that because your judge works against self-differentiation, it will increase disappointment, anger, regret, guilt, shame, and anxiety. For example, in a work situation when things don't go well and you blame yourself and you feel guilty and ashamed, that's your judge. Or if you find yourself constantly feeling critical about the work habits of others, even if you don't express it outwardly, that's your judge. According to Shamine, your judge helped you early in life to survive and understand difficult experiences.

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However, its interpretations are simplistic, negative, and unhealthy. Powerful. In addition, when you encounter challenging situations, your judge also activates at least one of your accomplice saboteurs. I'll go through each of these quickly. See which ones you can recognize. Here are the nine accomplice saboteurs in alphabetical order. The avoider focuses intently on the positive and pleasant to avoid difficult and unpleasant tasks and conflicts. This avoids taking responsibility for self by denying the full reality of the situation. The controller needs to control people and situations. When it can't do this, it gets anxious and impatient. The controller needs to define others, which will result in a conflict of wills. If this is one of your saboteurs, you likely find yourself in conflict with others on a regular basis. The hyperachiever needs to perform well for self-respect and self-validation, which leads to a focus on external success. In family systems terms, this is the result of continually conforming to surrounding togetherness pressure and burying one's own emotional and relationship needs. The hyper rational saboteur focuses so much on rational processing that it results in being perceived as cold, distant, and intellectually arrogant. It is an extreme focus on self-definition without any need for emotional connection.

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The hyper vigilant has a constant and intense anxiety about everything that is dangerous and/or could go wrong. The hypervigilant saboteur is the epitome of an anxious presence. The pleaser seeks acceptance by helping and pleasing others. This is a different response to surrounding togetherness pressure than the hyperachiever, but has a similar result in that the pleaser can lose sight of your own needs. The difference is that the pleaser can get resentful over time. The restless saboteur is always looking for excitement in the next thing or in constant busyness. This makes it hard to stay focused on long-term goals, whether they be personal, relationship, or professional goals. The stickler is the perfectionist. It is the need for order and organization on steroids. It is self-definition through perfection. Finally, the victim has an extreme focus on one's own feelings and uses that to gain attention and affection. This is the martyr syndrome where one blames others in situations, rarely taking responsibility for self. There is a assessment that you can take to identify your saboteurs. I'll put a link in the show notes. It doesn't take long to take, and I found it to be spot on. My top accomplice saboteur is the avoider with a healthy dose of the restless and the hyper rational saboteurs.

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This explains to me why I see the world through rose-colored glasses. As my wife has always said, I like to focus on the pleasant and the positive, and I have a tendency to avoid the negative things. I realized over time that I've had to learn to embrace having difficult conversations and dealing with difficult things, and it's my restless and hyper rational that explain why I'm constantly needing to do new things and why I am more likely to focus on self-definition and less likely to focus on emotional connection. Now, the important thing to understand here is that these are the internal voices, the internal negative voices. Over time, through family systems theory, I have been able to learn to focus on what it means to differentiate, what it means to have healthy self-definition while having healthy emotional connection. But what I've learned through positive intelligence is that you can develop practices that help you to weaken your saboteurs. Again, family systems theory helps me to understand my relationship systems so I get a better sense of what's making me tick, what's making me anxious, and what it means to differentiate. And positive intelligence helps me to self-regulate, to be self-aware, and to be intentional, especially in anxious moments.

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Next week, I will get into how that works and how you can do that. That's it for episode 284. Don't forget that you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you have found this helpful, please share it with a friend and leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.