[00:00:32.220]
Welcome to episode 281 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack ShItama. And before we get into today's episode, I just want to remind you that if you want to find more of my work, you can go to thenonanxiousleader. com. You can subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter there or at a link in the show notes. And if you want to email me with a question or an idea for an episode, You can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com. And now, without further ado, here is episode 281, The Zen of Self Differentiation, Part 1 of 2. When I was in college and before I became a Christian, I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. The one thing that stuck with me was a certain approach to challenge. The book maintained that whenever you are working on on a motorcycle, there was always an obstacle. A nut was stuck, a bolt would get cross-readded, you didn't have the right tool or you bought the wrong part. The advice was to expect this to happen and neither get upset by it or let it throw you off. Persist in a calm manner and you can figure out a way through it.

[00:01:50.460]
In other words, remain a non-anxious presence. I remember this advice, especially when I'm doing projects around the house. I measure the success of a plumbing, electrical, or exterior project by the number of trips I need to make to the hardware store. The few are the trips, the more successful the project. As I've learned and applied family systems theory over the years, I've come to appreciate a certain Zen-ness to it. As a Christian, I don't find much in Zen that is antithetical to my faith. Some of you may disagree, and that's okay. Actually, the idea for this episode came from an article by Kathleen Smith, Seeing People as They are. I'll post a link in the show notes, but that article made me think of the Zen-ness of family systems theory. Now, I'm no Zen expert, but as I've looked at it, I found it offers a certain wisdom that is worth examining, and that's what I'm going to do this week and next. To do this, I will go through Zen's four noble truths and unpack them in family systems terms. So let's get started. The first noble truth in Zen Buddhism is that suffering is an inherent part of human existence.

[00:03:08.120]
While family systems theory doesn't express it this way, the concept of self-differentiation emphasizes that the only thing we can truly control in our lives is our response. We can try to influence things, but in the end, things often don't go the way we planned. This is often the source of our reactivity when things don't go the way we planned. We get upset things beyond our control. Edwin Friedmann wrote that nobody gets the problem they can handle. If they could handle it, then it wouldn't be a problem. Another way to look at this is that life is full of challenge, or as Scott Peck put it, Life is hard. The sooner we realize it, the easier it gets. In family systems terms, this is the difference between challenge and a problem. Whether we are dealing with an illness, financial pressure, career setback, relationship relationship conflict or fill in the blank, remember, it's process not content, there is the potential for suffering. Whether or not it is a challenge or a problem, the latter of which would include suffering, depends on our response. Which leads to the second noble truth, which is the cause of suffering is craving and attachment.

[00:04:23.100]
These can be cravings for or attachments to physical things, experiences, status, relationships, et et cetera. Again, it's process, not content. Of course, we know deep down that none of these things can satisfy us. Another way to look at this is that we are looking to things outside of ourselves to make us happy. We are allowing extra internal things to define us instead of reflecting on what is really important in life and defining ourselves accordingly. It's important to note that the opposite of attachment isn't emotional disconnection, it's acceptance. When we realize that the only thing we can control is our response. It helps us to accept the situation for what it is. It fosters responsibility for self. Another Buddhist concept, non-duality, is also important here. Non-duality emphasizes the interconnectedness of all things. In other words, the systemic nature of things. In family systems terms, this means that our cravings and attachments are not isolated in our own psyche. They more symptoms of our position and functioning in our relationship systems, whether that be a family, congregation, organization, or community. It is this recognition that enables us to have the self-awareness and system awareness to function differently.

[00:05:47.730]
The third noble truth is that it is possible to overcome suffering by letting go of craving or attachment. Buddhism teaches that craving and attachment come from ignorance of self. I talk a lot about the importance of self-awareness in self-differentiation. Both Zen and family systems theory emphasize the importance of mindfulness and self-awareness. In Zen, this is achieved through meditation and being present in the moment, that is, accepting the present without judgment. Bowen theory encourages self-reflection to understand one's role within the family system and the broader emotional system. You can ask yourself questions such as, what surrounding togetherness pressures am I feeling? What makes this feeling so intense for me? How can I see this situation more objectively? What is it about this relationship that is so hard for me? Where does this come from? Questions like these can help you to understand what it is about the situation that is causing so much anxiety and is making a healthy response difficult. This is the beginning of letting go of attachment and craving. While it's important to be able to reflect on these things in isolation, it's even more important to think about how you can do things differently in the future.

[00:07:20.000]
This is where self-regulation is so important. When you are in anxious moments, when you are suffering, the ability to stop your automatic responses is essential. In fact, I would contend that it's our automatic responses, our reactivity, that is at the root of so-called suffering. To me, it is the process of becoming a self, of understanding your own goals and values, as well as how you can express them in healthy ways in your various relationships that helps you to begin to let go of your cravings and attachments. Personally, this has helped me to understand that I need relationships, that emotional connection is important even as I work to further define myself. It is knowing that if I act with integrity while staying emotionally connected, that's all I can do. I can't control the response of the other. That's their responsibility. To me, that's the Zen of self-differentiation. That's it for episode 281. A little brief, but next week I'm going to go into the fourth noble truth, which is to follow the eight-fold path. In short, it would have been too long for one episode, and so I broke it up into two episodes. Anyway, don't forget that you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com, and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. If you have found this helpful, please share it with a friend and leave a review. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye. Thank you for listening.