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Welcome to episode 280 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama, and I am back from my travels, and I am back with an all-new episode so let's get right into it. The idea for this episode comes from a Harvard business review article by Nihar Chaya, Five Well-intentioned Behaviors that Can Hurt Your Team. What to me, the article does is it emphasizes the counterintuitive nature of leadership, especially from a family system's perspective. As leaders, we often think that there are certain things that we should do, whether we are leading a family, a an aggregation or an organization. But in reality, those things tend to not help. They tend to be more negative than positive. That's why I contend that these are things that non-anxious leaders don't do because they understand emotional process.

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They understand how relationship systems work and that these types of well-intentioned behaviors actually don't help. The first of these is seeking constant agreement. In theory, leading by consensus is a good thing. In practice, it actually increases anxiety in the relationship system. Why? Because when you, as a leader, are seeking consensus, you are less likely to define your own position. People need to know where the leader stands. When they don't, they get anxious and might be less likely to self-define themselves. The best thing you can do is to say what you believe and give others the freedom to disagree. This creates healthy emotional space. Those on the team don't have to guess where you stand, and they are encouraged to define their own positions. This can lead to healthy debate where everyone is focused on what is best for the mission, even if they disagree. On the other hand, as Edwin Friedmann points out in Generation to Generation, when you lead by consensus, you give the power to the most obstinate. If you decide you can't move forward without reaching a consensus, then even one or two people can hold things up. Friedmann calls this the tyranny of the minority.

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When you, as the leader, say, This is where I believe we should head, what do you think? It's okay if we don't agree. You are not leading by consensus. You are leading through self-differentiation. The second thing that well-intentioned leaders do is they overprotect the team. This is like an overprotective parent who can't stand to see their child's struggle or is fearful for their safety. It's a good sentiment, but it ultimately will make the child less capable and less resilient. Leaders who try to shield their team from negative news and feedback may think they are keeping their team happier, but they are making them less effective, less likely to learn, and less capable of responding to challenge. The desire to protect others from challenge comes from a low pain tolerance. When you have difficulty allowing others to deal with challenge, the best thing you can do is to remind yourself that you can only be responsible for yourself. You can provide support for others, but Ultimately, you can't be responsible for them. Friedmann said he had a bias for encouraging challenge, not comfort. In other words, rather than protect others, he believed leaders should encourage strength and self-differentiation.

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The third thing that well-intentioned leaders do, according to Nihar Chaya, and according to me, what non-anxious leaders don't do, is getting results without learning. This approach encourages a fixed mindset, where team members believe that if they don't get the right results, there is something wrong with them. In the end, this will make them less motivated and less resilient. On the other hand, a growth mindset is more about effort than results. It builds resilience because when the results don't come, the question becomes, what can you learn from this? It creates a mindset that with persistence and effort, you can make progress on just about anything. You might not get the outcome you want, but you can move closer to your goal. This is all about taking responsibility for self. It's a realization that we can't control everything, and we can only control what we do. Even when things do go well, an effective leader will encourage learning. What went well? Why? Did we do something right or did we get lucky? What can we do differently next time? When a leader remains a non-anxious presence by focusing on effort and not outcomes, it enables others to do the same.

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And paradoxically, in the long term, outcomes are likely to be better, too. The fourth thing that well-intentioned leaders do, but non-anxious leaders don't do is to be too involved or not at all. This speaks to the sweet spot in emotional connection. Nobody wants to be told what to do. Nobody wants to be micromanaged. People People want autonomy to choose how they achieve clearly defined goals. Leaders who micromanage are unable to let others take responsibility for self, and they destroy healthy emotional space. On the other hand, when the leader is hands-off to the point of being distant, anxiety increases. People need to feel connected to the leader. When they feel the leader is absent, aloof, and/or inaccessible, it will be harder for the team to do their best work. My own tendency is to give a lot of autonomy, so much so that others might feel like I am distancing. I realized about halfway through my two plus decades as an executive director that I needed to check in with key staff on a regular basis. It wasn't as much about following up on their work as it was about checking in to see how they were doing.

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It gave them a chance to let them fill me in on what was going on and if I could support them in any way. Some Sometimes it was just to connect to see how they were doing personally. I realized I couldn't be a non-anxious presence if I wasn't present. The fifth thing that well-intentioned leaders do that non-anxious leaders don't do is to try to be everyone's friend. Non-anxious leaders know how to hold the tension between self-definition and emotional connection. This is different than friendship. You can connect emotionally with others without being their friend. In fact, friendship creates confusion by creating a dual relationship. You're their leader, not their friend. You're their pastor, not their friend. You're their parent, not their friend. Friendship is an entirely different relationship with no specific goal or purpose other than to create connection. Good friends are not only connected, but they also give each other a lot of freedom to be themselves. Sometimes, they even tell each other things don't want to hear because they think they need to hear it. Much of these things sound like a good leader, but the big difference here is there is a reason for the relationship, and that is to achieve the mission.

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You are leading people to achieve the mission, whether it's of your family, congregation, or organization. Emotional connection helps make that possible, but the mission comes first. You can show you care about those you lead without being their friend. To me, the key theme here in this article is to avoid overfunctioning for others while maintaining emotional connection. When you, as a leader, are able to define where you believe you are going while encouraging others to take responsibility for self, you promote self-differentiation among those you lead. This is what non-anxious leaders do. When you can facilitate a team where people are differentiated, you will get the best of both worlds. People will be passionate, engaged, and willing to disagree for the sake of the mission. This will not only help you lead change, it will make the experience more meaningful and enjoyable for everyone involved. That's it for episode 280. If you have found this episode helpful, please share it with somebody else that might benefit. Remember, you can also contact me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter at thenonanxiousleader.com. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye. Thank you for listening.