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Welcome to episode 209 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's podcast, I want to let you know that another round of Family Systems 101, a free course where we go through my book. If you met my family, you'd understand. Begins on Tuesday, February 7 and runs every Tuesday evening from seven to 830 Eastern for eleven weeks. This is a free course that takes place in the Non Anxious Leader network, which is also free. I will put a link in the show notes so you can get more information if you are interested in signing up. And now, without further ado, here is Episode 209 how to Remain Cool under Pressure. The penalty kick in soccer, or what the rest of the world calls football, is one of the most pressure packed moments in sports. And when you go to a shootout, which some people call kicks shootout is an elimination round in games where the score has ended in a tie after regulation time and extra time when you go to kicks, when you go to penalty kicks in a shootout, this is absolutely one of the most pressure-filled moments in sports.

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During a shootout, five different players from each team are selected and alternate, taking penalty shots until there is a winner. The penalty shot itself is where one player stands on a spot twelve yards from the goal. The goal is 8ft high and 24ft wide, a huge amount of space for the goalkeeper to defend at such a close range. The player taking the shot then approaches the ball and kicks it, trying to beat the goalie by putting the ball into the net. The basis for today's episode comes from an article I found in the Wall Street Journal, where they go through the results of the studies of a psychologist named Gear Jordais, who spent five years studying every shootout of every major international men's tournament in the last five decades. Now, this is pretty timely because the article itself came out on December 9, which is right in the middle of the 2022 World Cup, which takes place only every four years. The final itself between France and Argentina actually went to penalty kicks. It went to a shootout. The game ended in a three three tie, and France took the first shot. They scored, and then Argentina responded, making it one-one.

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France then missed their next shot. Actually, the goalkeeper defended, blocked it, argentina scored, making it two-one. And then France's shot was no good. Again. Argentina scored again, making it three-one. And then France scored to make it three two. But when Argentina scored their fourth shot to make it four-two. They sealed the victory because with only one shot left, France could not catch up. At the time the article was written was just prior to the World Cup quarter finals. In the history of World Cup shootouts for men and women, there have been 274 goals on 388 attempts, or just over 70% of the shots taken were actually successful. If you think of this in self-differentiation terms, this would be phenomenal success. Remember that Murray Bowen said that most people self-differentiate less than a third of the time. Somebody who can do it half the time is extraordinary, and 70% of the time would be a once in several century phenomenon. So I think you know where I'm going here. I was intrigued by the article because I wanted to find out what it took to perform well under pressure, because those moments to me are similar to moments where we are dealing with reactive people and we are trying to remain a nonanxious presence in those difficult times.

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What can we learn from those pressure filled moments of penalty kicks in a shootout to help us be that nonanxious leader? Perhaps the origin story for psychologist Gear Jordais fascination with penalty kicks goes back to when he was a teenager. He's now a professor at the Norwegian School of Sports Scientists. But as a teenager, he was involved in a penalty kick, and he says, I aim for the right corner. I was so nervous that I missed completely and scored in the left corner. Jordae has two main takeaways from his exhaustive study of penalty kicks. First, a shootout is not a showdown between two players, but is a collective effort involving everyone on the field. Like family systems theory, there is no such thing as an individual. How the system functions plays a huge role in the individual outcome. The second takeaway is that psychology plays a big role in which team wins and why. In other words, one's approach, one's attitude influences how one actually performs. I want to go to the second takeaway first because it's no surprise that Jordais found that anxiety is the emotion most associated with shootouts. That's the thing that really piqued my interest in this article.

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The more pressure a player felt, the less likely they were to score. You may have heard me say before that the higher the perceived emotional stakes, the harder it is to remain a nonanxious presence in those difficult moments. If you feel like there is something at stake here in the relationship, it's going to be harder to actually keep your automatic responses in check. Jordais also found that when a goal would win a match, a player does better than when missing would lose a match. This makes sense because in the former, the player has less to lose. They can only gain by making the goal and winning, and in the latter, they have everything to lose if they miss because their team loses. In a similar vein, Jordais found that goalkeepers felt less stressed because they are considered heroes when their teams win and are not often blamed when their team loses. It's hard to defend that eight foot high by 24 foot box. And so anytime they can make a stop or anytime their team wins, they are considered a hero. My big takeaway from this is how we process a situation really does impact how we are able to perform.

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That is, how we perceive a situation in terms of emotional stakes really does make a difference in how well we are able to remain a non anxious presence. One of the things that family systems theory helps us to do is to understand that anxious people, reactive people, dependent people have needs that aren't being met and they are taking it out on us. Remember, it's process not content. So if somebody is upset with us, but they are expressing themselves in healthy ways, then it's important to understand that it is likely about us. However, if somebody is taking things out on us, it often has more to do with something else that is going on in their lives and less to do with us. Trying to remember that in those difficult moments is essential. The content of those moments could be anything, but it's recognizing the process of reactivity that can be helpful for us to maintain our composure in those moments. This is extremely important because we know that oftentimes the most effective response to nonanxious people, to reactive people, is to be paradoxical and or playful. This is hard to do when we feel that the stakes are high.

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So in some way, if we can remind ourselves that these people are people who actually care about us, we care about them, and their reactivity has less to do with us than it does with what is going on inside of them, then we have a chance of being more playful. Being paradoxical. I've shared this story before, but I think it really is instructive in terms of dealing with those perceived emotional stakes. When I was being introduced to a new congregation, the protocol is for the district superintendent, for the supervisor to introduce the pastor's resume and some information about the pastor before bringing the pastor in to meet the personnel team of the church. Prior to them bringing me in, I'm told that the district superintendent told the personnel team that their new pastor had an earring. One of the women on the team got very upset, very reactive, and said, I will not have a pastor who has an earring. If we have a pastor who has an earring, I will leave the church. Another woman on the team turned to her and very calmly said, well, we will miss you. Knowing that woman, I'm sure she gave just a little bit of a smile.

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She was being a little bit playful, but definitely paradoxical. What she was doing was calling the bluff of the reactive woman. This is paradoxical. This is counterintuitive. Because what we want to do is we want to try to convince the other person that they need to try to work it out. They need to try to make it work. Self-differentiation being a non anxious leader helps us to understand that other people are responsible for their own choices. And when they try to bait us into a conflict of wills, the best thing we can do is be paradoxical and playful and give them back responsibility for their choices, for their ultimatums. Jordais also found that players who hurried their shots did worse than those who took their time to compose themselves. And based on this, he recommends that slowing down, taking deep breaths, and trusting in the routine increases a player's sense of control over the situation. It increases their chances of success. Now, unpacking that it's important to understand. This is very much what we talk about in terms of self-regulation breathing and slowing down trusting in your routine, that you've practiced self-regulating and that you've practiced non anxious responses in times when you are not under pressure so that you can better avoid a conflict of wills in those pressure filled times.

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Jordais notes that having developed a penalty kick routine on the practice field is important and this is very analogous to practicing your nonanxious responses and your listening skills in those low pressure situations. So learn to ask open ended questions when you are with friends and family in non pressure filled situations so that you can do better in those anxious situations. Learn to respond with non anxious responses that give people responsibility for their situation, such as thank you for sharing, that must be difficult, how will you deal with that? Will give you a better chance of making those same types of statements when you are feeling nonanxious, when you are in anxious situations. And then going back to the idea that a shootout is a collective effort involving everyone on the field is very systems oriented. His finding that penalty kicks are a function of how the team functions was surprising to many, but not if you understand family systems theory. He uses the term emotional contagion. Whatever emotions come from the player reverberate and are amplified. For example, the more a player celebrates after a successful penalty kick, the more likely the team is to win.

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The converse is true as well, because taking a penalty kick can be isolating. You are out there on an island. Teammates who are actually engaged even though they're standing back at midfield can help make it less isolating. Can help make it less lonely. Jordais says, quote communicate, talk, be present for others, move, interact. This is far more productive than standing still and quiet, which is what many teams do. To me, this highlights the importance of emotional connection. When people are feeling anxious, they are feeling more isolated and to the extent that you withdraw from them, they will feel even more isolated and more anxious. So when you are dealing with reactive anxious people, move closer to them. Show that you care without getting into a conflict of wills. Show that you care without agreeing with them. The challenge is that we want to react and defend ourselves, or we want to try to convince them that they shouldn't feel that way, rather than just connecting with them and understanding that they're feeling anxious, understanding that things are difficult without taking things personally. As I mentioned before, this takes practice. This is where I believe most people fall short in terms of trying to be a nonanxious leader, is that they don't reflect on the times when they have had difficulty being a non anxious presence and think about how they can do better in future situations.

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Likewise, they don't take time to prepare for anxious situations, and so when the moment comes, they are less likely to be able to remain in non anxious presence. If you can be intentional about taking time regularly to reflect and prepare, then this is the equivalent of taking time on the practice field to do better in those game situations. Now, I know some people don't like sports analogies, but this whole episode is a sports analogy because the learnings come from sports. That said, I do believe this is helpful to understand because pressure is pressure. Anxiety is anxiety, whether it's in sports or other situations in life, in a congregation, or in a work situation or in the family. You can practice being a non anxious presence. You can practice being a good listener. You can practice not taking responsibility for other people's situations. And the more you do this, the more likely you will be a nonanxious presence in those difficult situations. That's it for episode 209. You can find the show notes at thenonanxiousleader/209. There you'll find a link for more information for Family Systems 101. You can also email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.