[00:00:33.860]
Welcome to episode 200 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. 200 episodes sounds like a lot, and I do believe that I often say things over and over. But I also think that family systems theory is like that. We need to hear it a lot so we can put it into practice. So hopefully 200 episodes is not enough for you because I'm going to keep going. So without further ado, here is episode 200. Here's what too much togetherness looks like and what you can do about it. The material for this episode comes from a lecture given by Dr. Kathleen Smith at the Family Systems Institute in Australia. Now, I wasn't actually in Australia, but they allow you to sign up for their conferences and workshops. And then there is a recording because also they are almost opposite me on the clock. So their conferences usually are somewhere between nine and midnight Eastern time in the US. And that's just too late for me. So the great thing about it is I sign up for the workshops and I am able to watch the recording for a limited period of time. Dr. Smith is on the faculty of the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family at Georgetown University, which was founded by Murray Bowen.

[00:02:01.090]
What I'm going to use is just from one part of a lecture that she gave. It was really on triangles, and I will probably get the triangles next week. But she talks about high togetherness relationship systems. These are systems where there's a lot of surrounding togetherness pressure, and she goes through a list of characteristics of these high togetherness systems, and I thought it would be helpful to work through them. The first characteristic of a high togetherness relationship system is that more decisions are based on how people react or might react. In this case, you don't self differentiate because you don't want to upset people. Along with this comes more sensitivity and increased anxiety to these reactions. Ironically, this actually increases anxiety in the system. As Edward Friedman said, people get over being upset, but chronic anxiety kills. And when we're always thinking about how other people might react, it causes the anxiety in the system to increase as well as our own anxiety. Another form of togetherness pressure is the craving to be loved and accepted. This is a form of dependency in which one needs to be affirmed by others rather than feeling secure in one's own goals and values.

[00:03:22.240]
Another way to put this is the inability to define self in a healthy way, because there's a need for one's definition of self to be affirmed by others. It's hard to have courage and vulnerability when you're always worried about whether others love and accept you. It makes me think of the great commandment, which in part is to love your neighbor as yourself. This means you need to be able to love yourself first. But if you are always depending on others to affirm your own selfimage, it makes it harder to do this. You're also more likely to be critical of others who don't live up to your own standards. The converse of this need for affirmation is an allergy to the craving of others who need to be loved and accepted. This is a huge irony because we need it ourselves and yet we resist it when it's demanded by others from us. So when there are others who are dependent, rather than trying to find a way to foster a healthy connection, we either distance ourselves or engage in some form of conflict. Neither is healthy. Another form of high togetherness pressure in a relationship system is greater difficulty in determining and accessing your own thinking and beliefs.

[00:04:39.790]
When you are in a relationship system that has strong forces for togetherness, it makes it hard to define your own goals and values. When you are always worried about what others are thinking or how they will react, you are letting yourself be defined by the system and not what really matters to you. This makes it even more important that you understand how powerful self-differentiation is. By taking the time to know what you believe and where you want to go, you make it more likely that you can remain a nonanxious presence and be true to yourself in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. Stephen Covey calls this integrity in the moment of choice. This is not necessarily easy, but if you are not intentional about this, you will quickly lose yourself to the norms and values of the relationship system. Another characteristic of a hightecherness relationship system is triangling others, like they are an ambassador for you, or vice versa. In other words, if you behave poorly, that reflects poorly on me. There's a saying that's often said in traditional cultures, and that is don't shame your family. This is making one an ambassador for the relationship system.

[00:06:00.860]
When I was growing up, I heard a form of this which was you are a shitama, hold your head high. The inference was that I was to be proud of who I am and represent the family well. But of course, another subtle inference was don't shame your family. Ambassador thinking represents a sort of fusion where one is not able to differentiate from the system. It's the reason that sabotage occurs when someone tries to selfdifferentiated because they are no longer representing the system in the way the system wants to be represented. And of course, it's a reason that it makes it difficult for us to selfdifferentiated when it conflicts with those same norms and values. And finally, a characteristic of high togetherness relationship systems is a focus on decisions that stabilize the relationship system. And when the focus is on stabilizing the system, it makes it hard to determine the best course of action. Whether this is a family of origin, a congregation or an organization, the mission often takes a backseat to what will cause the least upset. And as with many ironies and family systems theory, it is this desire to stabilize the relationship system rather than have the courage and vulnerability to take the best course of action that will actually increase the anxiety in the system.

[00:07:27.640]
Yes, the best course of action can often cause upset, but that upset is short lived and will ultimately reduce the anxiety in the system because the system is headed in a positive direction. Now, if you're like most people, you recognize many of these characteristics of a high togetherness relationship system and the question is, what can you do about it? So over the course of 200 episodes, I pretty much say the same thing over and over again. But the nature of family systems theory is if you spend some time with it, you start to understand. But the challenge is actually to put it into practice in a way that makes a difference. So the first thing you can do to be a nonanxious leader in the midst of high togetherness pressure is to take responsibility for yourself and yourself only. Yes, I say this continually, but it is the essence of self-differentiation. Essential to this is self-awareness and intentionality. These two things help you to put theory into practice. Self-awareness enables you to look inside and examine the anxiety and the pressures that you're feeling. If you don't do this, you will tend to respond automatically, which is rarely helpful.

[00:08:47.890]
And of course, once you do understand what's going on inside of you, then you can think clearly about how you can respond in self-differentiated ways in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. This week I was one of the four plenary speakers for the Intram Ministry Network's Annual Conference. And there was a common element among three of the four keynote presentations, and that was the idea of pausing and self-regulation. It's almost impossible to be intentional in an anxious moment if you are unable to pause and self-regulate. And in the fourth keynote, it was a clergy person who uses improvisation as a leadership tool. This gets directly at the idea of bringing the anxiety in the room down by being playful, sometimes even paradoxical. And while improv seems like a spur of the moment stream of consciousness sort of thing, I don't think it's possible to be really good at it without being able to pause selfregulation and be intentional about your response. The second thing you can do to be a nonanxious leader in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure is to practice reflection and preparation. These are really two things, but they're very related because we fail to selfdifferentiated more often than we get it right.

[00:10:12.300]
Reflection enables us to think about those moments, to examine what was going on inside of us, and to think about how we would do it differently when faced with a similar situation in the future. And when we do get it right, reflection enables us to celebrate, which gives us momentum and makes it more likely that we can do it again. Preparation enables us to anticipate situations and think about how we want to respond. If you are in a high togetherness relationship system, you're likely able to predict the patterns of anxiety. In many cases you can almost state word for word how someone won't respond. Likewise, when you know that you are going to go into a difficult conversation, when there's going to be an anxious situation, you can think about how you want to respond, how you want to present yourself. You can think about your own goals and values and then how you can act with integrity in that moment of choice. Reflection and preparation are about taking the time to look inside you so you can act in accordance with your goals and values. And the only way this happens is if you make that time.

[00:11:25.000]
Now, it doesn't have to be a formal thing. It could be turning off a podcast during your commute, so you have time to think, or doing like I do, taking time while I exercise to reflect. Or you can take a more formal approach, like journaling, where you unpack things in writing and then prepare yourself for the future. Finally, while the challenge in a high togetherness relationship system is to self define, you can't do this without staying emotionally connected. Emotional connection is the currency of high togetherness systems. So if you try to selfdefine without staying connected, it will increase anxiety. And as we know, there will be sabotage when you self define, even while you stay connected. But this will only increase the anxiety temporarily. If you are able to remain a nonanxious presence, then the anxiety in the system will actually reduce over time. One way I like to think of this is to come alongside of the other. So rather than going head to head with them, which results in a conflict of wills, I want to try to figure out a way to walk with them. I want to figure out a way to show them that I care about who they are, but that my goals and values are important too.

[00:12:41.660]
One phrase you've probably heard me use before is to say enough about this. Tell me, how are you doing? This shifts the focus from the content of the situation to the person. And more often than not, I find that they begin to share about what truly is bothering them, even if they don't. It's the first step in showing that you care about who they are and that you don't want to argue with them. Again, I think these things are reasonably simple to understand but hard to put into practice. One of the best things you can do is to find like-minded individuals where you can meet on a regular basis and talk about how you are doing as a nonanxious leader. So here's a shout out to two of my friends and colleagues, ron Bartlow and Kat Holbert, who are doing this. They have a weekly session with ministry colleagues where they listen to my podcast and then discuss what's working for them, what's not working and how they can do better. And if that doesn't foster self-awareness and intentionality reflection and preparation, I don't know what will. So I want to encourage you to do the same thing.

[00:13:51.870]
Find a group of friends and colleagues who want to process how they function in high-togetherness systems, how they function as nonanxious leaders, and get together on Zoom on a regular basis. And if you want to listen to the podcast, do what Ronnie Kat did. They started with the top ten episodes that are listed on the podcast page of my website. It's going to take some time, but it's time worth spending. That's it for episode 200. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, episode 201. Thanks and goodbye.