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Welcome to episode 187 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. We are going to get right into today's episode. Our church participates in our local ecumenical associations running a Vacation Bible School every summer. I'm usually not involved with this because I typically have summer camp activities. But this year my responsibilities have shifted. So even though my wife hadn't done it for a couple of years, she felt led to do it again and she felt led to volunteer me to do it as well. I immediately said yes. I didn't like the thought of it because I knew it was going to be noisy and somewhat chaotic, and most importantly because it runs in the evening. And I knew it would severely disrupt my schedule because we wouldn't get home until 8:30 every night. This is usually about the time I am heading to bed to read. I also knew that I wouldn't be able to just go to bed when I got home because I usually need at least an hour or more to wind down. The bottom line is, I knew that Vacation Bible School was going to mess with my finely tuned productivity schedule.

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That said, I've learned over the years that I am often not the most discerning regarding God's leading and my wife is the opposite. I know that when she feels called to do something, she's usually right. I often have jokingly say that even though I don't always listen to God, I always listen to my wife. I say half joking because this is mostly true. So despite my misgivings, I knew that Vacation Bible School was the right thing to do. Today's episode was inspired by the article Helping others might feel good, but is it really good for you? By T. Ryan Byerley. Research shows that altruism that is doing things for others is not only a good thing, but it's good for you. It's been clearly demonstrated that it has psychological benefits like improving well-being, and it also improves your health and increases your lifespan. But Byerley wanted to investigate if all altruism is created equally. What he found is that our motivation for doing things for others makes a huge difference in its impact on us. In the article, Byerley explains the concept of unmitigated communion this is when we sacrifice our own interests to promote the interests of others.

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It's not necessarily a bad thing, but the big difference has to do with the motivation. In unmitigated communion. It's been shown that the happiness of the giver is entangled with the happiness of the other of the receiver. In family systems theory, we understand this to be dependency. If I can't be happy unless you're happy, then I'm emotionally dependent on you. This might result in unhealthy behavior such as over functioning in your life because I feel the need to make sure that you're happy so I can be happy. This is an example of unmitigated communion. Priority writes about people who engage in unmitigated communion by saying, "They act to benefit others because they feel that others can't get on without them. They worry excessively about others, and they feel that they themselves can't be happy unless others are happy." The research shows that people who score high in unmitigated communion also have higher emotional instability and experience more stress. And here's the part of the article that really struck me. Byerley notes that a high score in unmitigated communion correlates with a low score in self-differentiation. He writes,"People low in self-differentiation have a difficult time balancing intimacy and autonomy in close relationships and are highly emotionally reactive to others experiences, finding it difficult to remain calm when others emotions are heightened.

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Low self-differentiation, like unmitigated communion itself, is known to be related to depression, anxiety and stress." This is not surprising to those of you who understand family systems. When we are acting dependently, we are not acting in self-differentiated ways. We also know that low self-differentiation results in increased reactivity and or adaptivity. But I love what the author says about trying to balance intimacy and autonomy. The tension between intimacy and autonomy could also be described as the tension between emotional connection and self-definition. Intimacy is connection and autonomy is being able to define oneself. Another way to describe this is managing the tension between togetherness pressure and individuality. As we know, self-differentiation is holding the tension between being so self-defined that we are emotionally disconnected and the other extreme of being so connected that we lose who we are as a self. Being able to claim your own goals and values in the midst surrounding togetherness pressure pressure and stay connected in a healthy way is the key to being a nonanxious leader. The question is if this type of helping. If unmitigated communion is not healthy, what gives? Byerley shares about a concept called other centeredness. This is the idea of sacrificing for the sake of others.

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But it's not self sacrificing for one's own happiness. Instead, it's choosing emotional connection because one values it. When you choose emotional connection willingly, you are doing it joyfully and not resentfully. You're doing it because you value emotional connection in a healthy way. Barley writes, "People who are other centered think it is just as valuable for themselves to be happy as it is for anyone else to be happy. They tend to agree with statements on questionnaires such as my well being matters no more and no less than anyone else's, but they also value having positive relationships with others. This is reflected when they agree with statements such as it is valuable when people cooperate with each other. The combination of these factors then leads them to prioritize benefiting others rather than themselves, so that they agree with statements such as I prefer to secure a benefit for someone else than to secure it for myself." If we are sacrificing for the sake of others to make ourselves happy, this will make us less happy. Counter intuitively and ironically, sacrificing for the sake of others because we value connection and interdependence is not only good for us, but it's good for the system in which we participate and lead.

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The research shows that those who score high in other centeredness are more forgiving, kind, fair, honest, empathetic, altruistic and agreeable. They also volunteer more and are more civically engaged. That's a pretty good scorecard. Self differentiation is knowing your own goals and values and being able to express them in healthy ways in the midst surrounding togetherness pressure, pressure. It's being able to balance the tension between intimacy and autonomy, self definition and emotional connection. And when we are able to do this intentionally, it not only makes us a better leader, it makes us feel better. Byerley writes, "Crucially, it's not just that people high and other centeredness benefit others. Their own lives seem to go better for themselves too, in a way that is more consistent with those popular headlines about altruism, but is different than what we would expect with unmitigated communion. We found that people who are other centered are more satisfied with their lives, they experience more meaning in their lives than their counterparts, and they're better able to cope with stress. They also tend to score lower on negative variables such as neuroticism and low self-differentiation. In short, other centeredness appears to keep the positive associations of putting others first while avoiding the drawbacks".

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Byerley suggests two things that we can do to focus more on other centeredness, and I would classify these as self awareness and intentionality. So the first is to reflect on your own motives and behavior. If you find that you are acting out of worry that you can't be happy unless you do this for the other, or that you know you will be resentful, then stop yourself. Pause. Think about whether or not this is really something that will increase connection in a healthy way. This is what it means to be self aware. The second thing Byerley recommends is to plan ahead, to think about the times when you will have the opportunity to be others centered. He gives a small example of when you know there's going to be suites in the break room at work that you intentionally decide that you're going to give others the opportunity to eat them first. This is intentionality. All of this reminds me of Simon Sinek's book. Leaders eat last. I'll place a link in the show notes. The basic principle here is that leaders put the interests and well being of those they lead before their own. Of course, there are limits to this and you can't give in to the leverage of the dependent.

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But in general, when you show others you care about their own well being as much or more than your own, you develop a system which values the well being of every person and puts the mission of the organization over the individual interests of those involved. This is similar to research that shows that companies that put employees first actually do a better job of taking care of their customers. Unhappy employees won't care about the customer. When team members believe that they are cared for by the company, they care more for the customer. Think Southwest Airlines I did five straight nights at Bible school and I had a blast. I think I had more fun than my wife. And when I saw this article yesterday, I realized that deep down, the reason that I volunteered for Vacation Bible School was because I value my connection to my wife, my church, and our community, not to mention the kids that we serve. And because of this, I had a great experience at Bible school. It made me happy. I want to just say a final word about this to those of you who are Jesus followers, because I think it's important to think of Jesus as the example of being others centered.

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He led a life that was completely self giving. And he didn't do it because his happiness depended on the happiness of others. He often gave others the choice to not follow his lead. His self giving life was a demonstration of the character of God, which is giving oneself away, sacrificing for the sake of others in a healthy way to cultivate connection. Self-differentiation is self giving. It's knowing your own goals and values. And one of those values is healthy emotional connection and interdependence. If you can do this with intentionality, you will be a more effective leader and you will be happier. That's it for episode 187. You can connect with me at nonanxious leader.com. If you would leave a review on your favorite podcast platform, and if you would share this episode with someone you think it will help, I would be grateful. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.

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Thank you for listening. If you found this episode helpful, there are two things you can do to help others find this podcast. First, tap the subscribe button on your podcast app. And second, leave a review. I appreciate your help. Finally, you can find more resources as well as supporting subscribe to my blog at thenonanxiousleader.com. Now go be yourself.