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Welcome to episode 174 of The Non-anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama and today's episode is from an article by Debbie Sorenson, How to Ask for Help. I will put a link in the show notes. The subtitle for the article notes that everybody needs support, so asking for help is neither being weak nor lazy. And what I want to say about being self differentiated is self-differentiation is not dependent and it's not independence, it's interdependence. This acknowledges that we can't do things by ourselves all the time. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Dependence is when we are trying to define ourselves based on the actions of someone else. We depend on other people to help define who we are by them doing things to make us feel better or to validate us. Independence, on the other hand, is being able to self-define but has no sense of connection with other people. And while that may seem like that would be helpful at times, being self-define without having connection with other people ends up being a lonely existence, and in fact somebody who is self defined and doesn't care about other people will end up moving towards being a narcissist.

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Interdependence holds that tension between emotional connection and selfdefinition. We are able to be a self but at the same time stay connected in healthy ways to other people. Nowhere have I seen that it says that a self-differentiated person does not ask for help. There are going to be times when we need help and it's important to know when that is and know how to ask for it. The article starts out by addressing the situation where we are reluctant to ask for help, and it has several suggestions that we can follow to get better at learning to ask for help so we are less reluctant to do so. The first of these is to check your assumptions. What is the story you are telling yourself? You might have negative associations with the idea of asking for help, that somehow you're taking a hand out or you're being lazy. Or you might be self critical thinking that asking for help is a sign of incompetence or weakness. Or you might be concerned about how you will be perceived by others thinking that they will think less favorably of you because you are asking for help. And in this case, what you're doing is you're defining yourself in the light of what you think others will think of you rather than what you need.

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You might have self sacrificing beliefs where you think that you need to put others needs before yourself or that you're worried about burdening others. The problem with these assumptions is they not only make us more reluctant to ask for help, but they're mostly inaccurate. People are more willing to help than we typically realize. We tend to underestimate the likelihood that they will say yes and that most people feel good when they actually do helpful things for others because it helps them to think of themselves as generous and willing to help when they can. The article suggests that if you are worried about what people think of you when you are asking for help, consider the opposite possibility that people actually might like you more if they've done you a favor. Research certainly supports this, and what we do know is that expressing vulnerability and openness can lead to deeper emotional connection. When people help you, they actually become even more interested in your wellbeing. There's also evidence that asking for advice actually increases people's perception of the Asker's competence. So instead of making them think that you are less competent, actually asking for advice will make them perceive you as more competent.

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So the first part is to unpack our assumptions and our negative feelings about asking for help. The second part, then, is actually doing it. The first step in asking for help is to actually make the decision to ask for help. And the article writes, quote, in making your decision about asking for help, you might find it helpful to Zoom out and consider your values, the kinds of qualities and actions that are consistent with the person that you want to be. Here are some values related questions you might ask yourself. "What is the most important thing to you in this situation long term? Will asking for help bring you closer to an important goal? What feels most consistent with the kind of person you want to be asking or not asking for help? How much do you value speaking up for your needs? How about courage, independence? Openness? How much do you value having open and supportive relationships?". Self differentiation is about knowing your values and goals and being able to act on them in healthy ways. So these questions are consistent with helping you to think that through what really matters to you, and how will you move towards that?

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And will that include asking for help? And if you do ask for help, how will it help build deeper and more supportive relationships? The second step is choosing whom to ask for help. And in this you're considering relationship dynamics, trust, connection that you have with other people. Certainly asking a friend or someone that you are close to is going to be easier to do than someone that you are less connected to. But also there may be people that you have helped before and that will be willing to reciprocate or somebody that you think might need your help in the future. And so when you ask for their help now, it will make it easy for them to ask you for help in the future. One point the article makes is that somebody who has declined a request for help before from you actually might be more likely to help you because of the discomfort of saying no twice. So do not rule out asking somebody who has declined to help you in the past. If you are focused on having healthy relationships. If you are focused on emotional connection and you are able to do that in healthy ways, then you should have a variety of people that you can ask for help when you need the support.

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The next step is to consider the best time to ask. The more time that you can give somebody to respond to your request to think about it, the more space that you're essentially giving them to think about it, the less pressure you're putting on them, the better. Giving people more time actually creates more emotional space and helps them to make a decision that is right for them and that's more important than the decision that is right for you. If the relationship is important to you, you want them to make the decision freely. You want them to make the decision that is right for them. The next step and asking for help is the hard step and that is asking in the face of discomfort. This is when we can have a failure of nerve because we are unable to get over our discomfort. And this can come from a variety of reasons like fearing the disappointment that would come from someone saying no, having guilt or shame or embarrassment about needing help, or having anxiety about not being in control over what the other person will do to provide help. This is where self awareness and mindfulness can help.

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So being aware that we are feeling discomfort, being aware that we are reluctant to ask for help, and just accepting that without judgment, accepting that moment and saying it's okay if I'm feeling discomfort, but I can do this, I can move forward and work through it to make the request that I need to make. One thing I've learned about being a leader is the more we try to move things forward, the more we try to change, the more we try to improve, the more we are going to live in a zone of discomfort and learning to embrace that discomfort and to actually move forward despite it. Using selfawareness using mindfulness, the better we are able to actually make a difference in the world. The next recommendation is to be as clear as possible about what you need. This is all about self-definition. This is all about saying, clearly, this is what I need. This is the kind of support I'm looking for. And when we do that, it makes it easier for the person to make a decision as to whether or not they are in a position and want to help. One note they make is not to minimize your request or apologize for it, and you don't have to offer something in return.

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I think that's kind of implied that in the future you might actually be willing to offer help in return, but sometimes focusing on reciprocity can actually backfire. It makes it seem like more of a transactional exchange instead of something that is based in a healthy relationship with each other. The next step is to receive the help and receive it gratefully. And remember that they may not always do it exactly the way you want to, but that's okay. Just showing appreciation without trying to correct what they are doing is critical if you want to avoid seeming ungrateful. And finally, the article suggests that if the request is denied, consider other options. Be gracious about the fact that the other person said no, it's okay. Stuff happens. Don't take it personally or get discouraged. This reminds me of Marshall Rosenberg's selfdefinition of a request in Nonviolent communication. He says, you don't really know the difference between a request and a demand until you hear no. And what he means by that is if you hear no from somebody else and you get reactive, you try to pressure them. You get into a conflict of Wills. Then it wasn't really a request.

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It was a demand. Then that is more a sign of dependency than it is a sign of self-differentiation. So a request means that you are just asking for what you need, but you're okay if they are not able to provide it. That's the sign of a self-differentiated person and a self-differentiated leader. The author makes one final point about something we can all do to help create collaborative and supportive cultures, and that is to be prosocial. That is, to be willing to offer help to others even when it's not requested, and certainly to respond if we can when it is requested. She notes that prosocial acts are contagious. This is the sign of a nonanxious leader who is willing to help people without asking for anything in return, without demanding things from other people, but actually being willing to help other people to show that we care enough about other people. We are concerned about our emotional connection so that we're interested in the well being of others. This is different than defining ourselves based on others. What it means is that we are confident enough in ourselves that we are willing to also invest in other people.

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Both doing this and practicing asking for help when we need it will actually create a healthier system because people will be better able to express their needs in healthy ways, and that's good for our families, that's good for our congregations and organizations. And that's how you can help others as a nonanxious leader. That's it for episode 174. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and you can find the show notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/174 until next time, thanks and goodbye.