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Welcome to episode 173 of The Non-anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. I am back from traveling with my wife and family to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We have four adult children, three of them with spouses, and they decided they wanted to celebrate with us in Italy, which we did over the last week or so. And I will tell you that being with family together like that, there is a lot surrounding togetherness pressure, pressure. But I felt like our family handled it very well. There were tense moments, as always, but in general, people did what they wanted to do, but people came together when they wanted to and we didn't have any fights deciding where to go for dinner. That is a success. So it's good to be back. And without further Ado, let's get into episode 173, Five science insights that show why leadership through self-differentiation works. This episode is based on an article I found in Fast Company titled Five Insights from Behavioral Science that Can Make You Better at Influencing Others. I will put a link in the show notes. The first thing I want to say is that leadership is about vision and influence.

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A leader's responsibility is to think about the future. This is where vision comes from. By contemplating where you believe God is calling you to go, you are developing a vision for the team you lead. I remember that I was in a workshop over two decades ago when I was early in my time as an executive director, and it said that if you are the head of an operation that you need to spend 84% of your time in the future. It's your job as a leader to discern where you think God is leading you as an individual and your organization that you lead. If you are a pastor or a leader of a nonprofit, this is your primary task. Now, I don't believe that 84% is truly manageable for most people because we get mired in the day to day. But it's important to think about where God is calling you to go. And even if you're not the head of an organization, if you lead a specific area or Department, your role is to think about where that is headed in alignment with the mission of the organization. This is the essence of vision. And assuming that you as a leader are able to discern where God is calling you to go and you're able to communicate it, then you are casting vision.

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Then the next question is, how do you influence people to follow? If leadership is vision and influence, then this is more art than science and we know that leadership through self-differentiation is very counterintuitive. So let's get into what this article from Fast Company tells us about how to influence those that you lead. The first evidence-based finding that this company documents is making it okay for someone to say no makes them want to say yes. What you are doing here is you are creating emotional space to give people the freedom to choose to follow. We know that if you demand that they follow or ask aggressively that in most cases people will automatically resist. You've heard me say before that effective leaders say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. The corollary to this is that inviting people to go where you think God is leading while giving them the freedom to choose their own path is the most effective means of leading. The article is focusing here on asking people to do things, and so it suggests adding what they call softeners like, I know you're probably busy, or Please don't say yes unless you really want to do this, or would you feel comfortable?

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And those are all great when making requests of somebody to do something. When thinking in terms of leading, change and vision and influence become their primary task. And I like to use things like I could be wrong or you don't have to agree with me to give people that kind of emotional space to choose whether or not they want to follow. By giving them the freedom to choose, you are avoiding a conflict of Wills and also refraining from creating surrounding togetherness pressure on others to follow you. The interesting thing about this is that when you give people the freedom to make their own choice, the freedom to follow, they actually may feel pressure inside to want to follow. Now this is not your problem. This is all about what is going on inside of them. But if they are feeling pressured to follow because they respect you or because they believe in the mission of the organization, or they want to do what's best for the future, there is nothing wrong with that. That's good pressure, especially when it comes from within and not from the leader. The second thing that the Fast Company article says is influence doesn't work the way you think because you don't think the way you think.

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They don't mention this in the article, but I became familiar with this type of research through Daniel Conneman's book Thinking Fast and Slow. I'll put a link in the show notes. The basic idea here is that our brain has two thinking systems, a fast system and a slow system. The fast system is unconscious. It's emotional, it's instinctive, it is our gut reactions, it's our automatic responses. You might say this is the primitive part of our brain and when we are trying to avoid being reactive, it's what we need to learn to selfregulation. The second system is the slow system. This is the conscious rational system that uses your neocortex. If you've listened to this podcast for any amount of time, you know that much of selfregulation is learning to limit your fast system so you can get to your slow system and think rationally. Just like giving people the freedom to choose to create emotional space, you can create emotional space to allow people to get from their automatic reactions to their more conscious, rational responses. You can do this by saying something like I don't need you to make a decision right now, but I'd like you to think about.

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We know that the harder you push on the family systems theory, more unconsciously people will react with resistance. So as much as you might want a decision from them right away, creating that emotional space and time for them to think about it logically will be more influential if they do react and push back. You can use all of your self regulation skills to avoid a conflict of Wills, ask questions, don't argue, don't agree, and make sure they know that they have time to think about it. The third point in this article is the best predictor of behavior is ease. Now what they are talking about in the article is making things easy. For example, if you want people to sign up for their 401K to save for retirement, then make it automatic and force people to opt out if they don't want to. That makes things easy. And we know that this has done more to increase retirement savings in the workforce than anything else. Another way to make things easy for people is to remain a nonanxious presence. Just like in the first two points where you're giving people space to decide for themselves, you also want to focus on being present.

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You want to focus on being emotionally connected. Let them know that you care about them regardless of what they decide. You just want them to do whatever they believe God is leading them to do. That is what it means to be a nonanxious presence. And again, this might still make their decision difficult if they are having conflicting feelings and feeling togetherness pressure. But regardless, it still gives them a clear path to make the best decision possible for themselves under the circumstances. And that's what you want from them and for them when you can communicate that you are making things easier for them. This leads to the next point, which is also about emotional connection. The fourth point in the Fast Company article is being charismatic isn't something you are, it's something you do. This is all about being a nonanxious presence and remaining emotionally connected. You don't have to have a charismatic personality if you are able to show others that you care, that you're truly interested in their well being, and that you are not taking responsibility for their functioning. There's that balance there between showing that you care, but also letting them be their own person.

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The article says that a simple hack is to focus on one person at a time and ask questions. Curiosity is an attractive quality. If you're truly interested in another person and curious about it, asking questions that show you care, then this is the essence of emotional connection. Remember the five reporter questions who, what, when, where and how. When you use these questions, you can learn more about the other person and establish a deeper bond. This is not manipulation. This is good leadership. They may still decide not to follow, and that's where you as a leader need to give them space to do that. But if you show you really care, that not only increases the chances of them following, but even if they don't, it will still help you maintain a healthy relationship. That's priceless. The fifth point in the article is that authentic, lasting influence is a group project. This highlights the essence of family systems theory, which is we cannot act independently. Everything we do is impacted by others and vice versa. It's a reminder to leaders that we are part of an interdependent web of human connections. The article States, "As our paths cross, entwine, diverge and reconnect, we form a greater whole, an interconnected web of influence. You are already part of this collective power. The root of the word influence is the Latin influeere to flow in as a river, a current. Your influence flows from other people and to other people and from them to others and so on. Sometimes you're aware of your own ripple effects. Sometimes not." I have seen this over and over again where one person who can remain a nonanxious presence can change an entire system, whether that is a congregation or an organization. The ripple effect may seem small at first, but it is powerful and it makes a difference. That's leadership through self- differentiation. That's it for episode 173. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and you can find the show notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/173.Until next time, thanks and goodbye.