Two years ago, we resumed our bi-annual family reunion on my mother’s side of the family. There was a lot of anxiety at that time. COVID was still a thing, my mom was 99, and her two sisters were 97 and 95. I did a podcast episode about this and how our family handled it.
This year there was much less anxiety about COVID. I don’t think many were worried about getting it themselves, although all of us wanted to protect the three matriarchs or “Obachans.” Last week, 81 of us gathered for our 14th reunion since 1997.
Here are three things I learned this time.
Agree in advance on the ground rules.
My cousin’s son, who is a doctor, sent an email to everyone with suggested guidelines. These included testing upon arrival and following CDC guidelines in the event of a positive test. There were a few comments back and forth and, in general, we all agreed to the guidelines.
We also agreed that people should feel free to be more cautious, if they so desired. This turned out to be an important distinction.
Make your own decisions
The day before the reunion started, my wife, Jodi, woke up with a headache and feeling achy. She tested positive for COVID.
Normally, we might have stayed home. We live on the east coast and the reunion was in Oregon. However, we were already on the west coast for two different family weddings, one of which was the day she tested positive.
One option was to call it quits and not go to the reunion. That would be a quick fix. However, our four adult children, spouses and five grandchildren would all be there. At best, we are all together once, maybe twice per year. Missing out would stink. So, we decided to take things one step at a time to see if we could make things work.
We adjusted by canceling our flight, extending our rental car and driving the seven hours to Oregon. I did a web search and learned that if my wife sat in the back on the passenger side and we partially opened the back driver’s side window and the front passenger window, it would create an “air curtain” that would minimize the chances of viral spread from her to me. We both wore masks, as well.
Another challenge was the house we had rented was just big enough for our family. There would be no place for Jodi to isolate. On the drive up, we found a 1-bedroom condo that was a five-minute walk from where the family was staying. Fortunately, it was affordable enough for us to book it so Jodi could isolate and not spread COVID to our kids and grandkids.
According to the agreed upon ground rules, I was free to attend all family events, as long as I tested negative. That said, after discussing with my kids, we agreed that I would mask until I tested negative three days after my last exposure to Jodi.
I also decided to mask at the larger family gatherings for the same three days, and I tried to hang out in outdoor areas. Jodi did not attend any of the larger gatherings, but she did visit our house and hung out on the patio with our kids and grandkids a couple of times each day.
All in all, it was the best we could hope for, and it worked out fine. Too bad we weren’t the only ones affected, that is infected.
Stay connected
Jodi tested positive on a Saturday and the reunion started the next day. On Tuesday morning, my nephew tested positive and began isolating with his family. He sent an email to inform everyone, which resulted in the usual well-wishes. The pickleball tournament on Wednesday was moved from indoor to outdoor courts.
On Thursday, my cousin sent an email to say her son-in-law was symptomatic, and began isolating even though he tested negative. He tested positive the next day. Later that day, my daughter-in-law started feeling ill and tested positive.
My family decided not to attend the dinner gathering that night to avoid any future spread. The reunion was blowing up.
On Friday, my mom, who was staying with my brother, said she had a sore throat. She tested negative. We all agreed she and her sisters could no longer get together. My mom tested positive the next morning.
At this point, I’m not sure how many people ended up with COVID. Several of us joked that we had our own super spreader event. One positive (besides the COVID tests) was that we all communicated via email and text to keep everyone in the loop. Further, we all agreed that it was a great reunion, even if it didn’t go exactly as planned.
What I most appreciate is that, in general, everyone took responsibility for self and didn’t blame others (at least not publicly) for the circumstances. Other families would likely handle things differently; either more strictly or more loosely. That’s OK.
The important thing about self-differentiation is knowing what’s important to you and being able to express it as a non-anxious presence. Every system is different. All you can do is live into it as authentically as possible.
