Effective leaders say what they believe, while giving others the freedom to disagree.
This is needed now, more than ever.
This is certainly true in political discourse. What was once a civil activity intended to work toward the common good has become a win at all costs proposition. If you don’t agree with me, there is something morally and intellectually wrong with you.
The church is not immune to this. Virtually every mainline denomination has split over LGBTQ inclusion. These schisms have been painful and confusing. The wounds take a long time to heal.
My own denomination, The United Methodist Church, is facing a similar situation. The Special Session of General Conference (our governing body) this past February did nothing to resolve conservative and liberal differences. It did raise the anxiety of the system to new heights.
And, yet, I think this presents an opportunity to try to do things differently. Convincing others to agree with us doesn’t work. Political maneuvering may work in the short term, but it will ultimately result in a greater backlash.
We need non-anxious leaders who are willing to say what they believe, while giving others the freedom to disagree.
This won’t resolve our differences. But it will create healthy emotional space. When that happens, it creates the possibility to think differently and pursue creative options. It’s not a way out, it’s a way through.
Family systems theory reminds us that the most important thing we can do as leaders is to manage our own anxiety; to regulate our own responses so that we don’t blame or define others.
What would happen if a critical mass of leaders could act as a non-anxious presence?
I met recently with a friend and colleague who is involved with an advocacy group that is on the opposite side regarding LBTGQ inclusion. We are no longer debating. We are trying to find a new way. One thing we decided was to try to get a few more of our colleagues together for meaningful conversations.
While I hope this might lead to something greater, I’m actually doing this for me. Our denomination is likely to split or implode. Either way it is going to be long and painful. I don’t want to relationships with colleagues I respect to be destroyed in the process. And perhaps we can model grace for others. By the grace of God, may it be so.
