Our grandson is experiencing separation anxiety these days. And so are we. He’s right in the age group where separation anxiety peaks.

The phenomenon is the result of children developing what is called object permanence. This is the idea that you know something exists even if you can’t see it. For example, if you place a toy under a blanket, a child with object permanence will know it’s there and will try to find it.

Prior to developing object permanence children are fine with just about anyone caring for them. But once they have this conception, they realize when their parent or caregiver is not with them and this creates anxiety.

Our grandson started going to daycare recently. When he was dropped off, he would cry. The daycare provider said that he would only cry for a few minutes and then he was fine. But that doesn’t really help the parent (or grandparent) who worries about whether he really is fine.

The question is, will this be a problem or a challenge. Nobody gets the problem they can handle because if they could handle it, it wouldn’t be a problem. More often than not it’s how we address a challenge that turns it into a problem. So as I started to learn about how to handle separation anxiety I realized there’s a lesson in this for us as leaders.

Here are three things I learned.

Face reality.

My daughter and son-in-law have developed a routine with our grandson. This includes time spent with each parent, and then they say, “Let’s talk about our day.” This will include telling him that they’re going to work, and that he’s going to daycare.

This is counter-intuitive. It would be easier to avoid upsetting him, by just taking him without telling him. But it can actually make things worse.

In the first few weeks mornings were a mess. Our grandson doesn’t go to daycare every day, so perhaps he was anxious about what was happening. Telling him if he’s going to daycare not only helps him to face reality, but it removes the uncertainty that can create unnecessary anxiety.

The lesson: you cannot avoid challenge, or help others avoid it. The best thing you can do is face it as a non-anxious presence.

Deal with your own anxiety.

If you read articles for parents, it advises not to sneak out the door when dropping off a child at daycare. Doing this actually makes it harder for the child once he or she realizes that the adult is gone. It’s better to say goodbye while being a non-anxious presence.

Sometimes we think we are making it easier for others when we actually make it harder. But what we are doing is sparing ourselves the pain of watching someone struggle.

Instead of allowing somebody to face their challenge we actually create a problem. This often comes from us being unwilling to deal with our own anxiety.

The lesson: be aware of how you are avoiding challenge, and whether this is making it worse (even a problem), rather than helping.

Keep it light.

Children, as do pets and other adults, can sense our anxiety. Keeping it light and playful can help prevent our own anxiety from making things worse.

This is definitely an example of fake it until you make it. It’s not that you don’t feel anxious inside, but you are able to regulate that anxiety so it doesn’t make a challenging situation a problem.

You might even try a little humor. As I wrote in a blog post on humor, humor not only keeps things light in leadership situations, but it builds trust, supports innovation, promotes more effective learning and improves negotiations.

The lesson: keeping things light, even using humor, is a way to regulate your own anxiety to keep it from making a challenge into a problem.

I learned yesterday that when our grandson heard that he was going to daycare, he wanted to snuggle. But he didn’t cry. He dealt with it. And when they dropped him off, he took off his hat and coat and gave them to his caregiver. He’s learning to face challenge. So can we.