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Welcome to Episode 394 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to let you know about two upcoming offerings to help you grow as a non-anxious presence. The first is Positive Intelligence, which is a 7-week program to help you self-regulate so you can be your best self. It runs from August September 17th to October 4th, 2026. And you can get all the information in the show notes. Also, on 4 Tuesdays in September, from September 8th to the 29th at 5 to 6:30 Eastern Daylight Time, I will be doing a book study, What Is a Failure of Nerve? We'll break down the chapters and have discussion about how you can lead as a non-anxious presence. I'll put a link to more information and registration in the show notes. And if you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. And you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com where you can find out about my coaching practice, speaking engagements, books that I've written, and courses that I offer. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter and get your free AI family systems coach at the website or at the links in the show notes.

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Finally, if you'd like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can get more information and sign up at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. And now, without further ado, here is episode 394, 3 Ways Thinking About Your Thinking, Metacognition, Helps You Be a Non-Anxious Presence. I started running in 2009, and I very quickly learned to like listening to worship music during my run to make it a time of spiritual devotion. A few years later, when I was training for my first marathon, I found out that the race did not permit any form of headphones. I guess this is a safety issue, which makes sense. So I started running without headphones, and I quickly came to covet that time where I got lost in my own thoughts. It's where metacognition became a habit. According to Wikipedia, metacognition, quote, is an awareness of one's thought processes and an understanding of the patterns behind them, end quote. It is thinking about your thinking. It's the ability to notice what's happening in your mind, name it, and work with it instead of being controlled by it. It's an important way to grow as a non-anxious presence.

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When you pay attention to your thinking, you start to see the patterns that usually operate automatically outside of your awareness. You notice the assumptions you're making, the stories you're telling yourself, and the emotional processes that pull your thinking in certain directions. Once you notice these things, you can work with them. You're able to self-regulate, then integrate emotion and intellect. This is how you learn to act with integrity in the moment of choice. A 2024 study in Personality and Individual Differences looked at differentiation of self and its relationship to metacognitions about worry and anxiety. I'll put a link to the study in the show notes, although you'll only be able to access the abstract before you hit a paywall. The researchers found measurable associations between how people regulate their internal emotional cognitive processes and the metacognitive beliefs they hold about worry. In other words, the way you think about your thinking affects how you manage anxiety, and the way you manage anxiety affects your ability to self-differentiate. This is what Murray Bowen meant when he described the integration of emotion and intellect. He wasn't talking about suppressing emotion or elevating intellect. He was talking about the capacity to observe your internal process and respond with clarity.

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Metacognition is the modern language for that capacity. When you think about your thinking, you create a small but important space between stimulus and response. You give yourself room to choose so you can act on your values instead of reacting to the anxiety in the system. That's essential to leading as a non-anxious leader. According to Wikipedia, in experimental psychology, there are two aspects of metacognition: One is monitoring, that is making judgments about your memories. The other is control, which is using those judgments to guide your behavior. In short, metacognition is learning to reflect to increase self-awareness and intention so that you can show up as a non-anxious presence. Here are 3 ways that thinking about your thinking can help. First, metacognition helps you self-regulate. When you can observe your thinking, you're able to notice when you're getting swept up in worry, reactivity, or emotional intensity. You can say to yourself, "I'm starting to catastrophize," or "I'm assuming the worst," or "I'm reacting to their anxiety instead of responding from my own goals and values." That simple act of noticing shifts your internal state. It slows things down, and it gives you access to your best thinking.

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Self-regulation isn't about calming down. It's about staying connected to yourself. Metacognition helps you do that in real time. Second, metacognition helps you integrate emotion and intellect. Bowen made this point repeatedly. The goal is not to eliminate emotion. The goal is to bring emotion and intellect together so you can respond with maturity. When you think about your thinking, you can notice the emotional process without being governed by it. You can say, "I'm feeling pressure to please," or "I'm feeling the pull to avoid," or "I'm feeling responsible for their reaction." Naming the emotional process allows your intellect to come online. It allows you to think clearly while staying emotionally connected. And third, metacognition supports self-differentiation. Self-differentiation is acting with integrity in the moment of choice. It's staying clear on your goals and values even when the system is anxious. But you can't act with integrity if you don't know what's happening inside you. You can't define yourself if you're unaware of the thoughts and emotions that are shaping your reactions, let alone the goals and values that are most important to you. Thinking about your thinking helps you get clear. It helps you ask, what do I believe?

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What matters here? What is my responsibility and what is not? What action aligns with my values? Those questions are metacognitive, and they lead directly to self-differentiation. In anxious moments, metacognition gives you a way to pause and choose. Instead of reacting automatically, you can respond intentionally. You can say what you believe without attacking. You can stay connected without giving up what's important to you. You can hold your position without forcing others to agree. You can act with integrity even when the emotional process around you is intense. This is the work of becoming a non-anxious presence. It's not about being calm all the time. It's about being aware of your internal process and choosing how you will respond. Metacognition is the practical skill that makes it possible. And the important thing to note here is that metacognition is a practice. So when you are trying to do it in the moment, it is easier if you have done it in less anxious moments, when you have done it on your own by yourself so that you can practice thinking about your thinking when there are other people around and when the emotions get intense. In over 3 decades of personal work and 8 years of coaching leaders, my biggest observation is that when you take the time to think about your thinking and your reactivity, you increase self-differentiation.

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This means taking the time to get clear on how you respond to anxious situations, where that comes from in your family of origin, and how you can respond to anxious moments in line with your goals and values. Whether you are processing an anxious moment after the fact or preparing for one that's about to come, metacognition will help you slow things down. Then, when you're in the moment, it will enable you to get outside of your own anxiety and the anxiety of the situation so that you can respond with integrity in the moment of choice. Here's the thing. You don't have to just sit quietly in a room to think about your thinking, and you don't have to be a runner. You can do it while driving instead of listening to music or a podcast, or when walking, gardening, or doing housework. Any time that you have to think about your thinking will be time spent in reflection, self-awareness, and intention. So here's the invitation: start paying attention to your thinking. Notice the patterns, assumptions, and emotional currents. And when you notice them, don't judge them, just observe. That observation is the beginning of self-regulation, integration, and self-differentiation.

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Thinking about your thinking is not dramatic or complicated. It's quiet, steady work that over time changes how you show up, how you lead, and how you relate. This is how you grow as a non-anxious presence, one moment of choice at a time. That's it for episode 394. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. And if you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.