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Welcome to Episode 386 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes and you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com where you can find out about my coaching practice, speaking engagements, books that I've written, and the courses that I offer. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter and get your free AI family systems coach at the website or at the links in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can get more information and sign up at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. And now, without further ado, here is Episode 386, Identity Isn't Fixed: Self-Definition and Becoming. I talk a lot about self-definition, getting clear on your own goals and values so you can express what you believe, where you think God is leading, what is important to you in the moment. And a devotion from Richard Rohr's Center for Action and Contemplation got me thinking about the pressure we experience to define, categorize, and lock others and ourselves into fixed identities.

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The meditation by Cassidy Hall, "Resisting Definition," reflects on this impulse, and it helps us understand how anxious systems operate. It also gives us a way to think about leadership that is more differentiated. I'll post a link in the show notes. Hall quotes Thomas Merton, who once said, quote, "I know in my heart that I do not need to be defined, and yet I have this allergy of definition." That tension between wanting clarity and resisting confinement is exactly what leaders feel in anxious systems. People want certainty, they want labels, they want to know who's right, who's wrong, who's in, who's out. And when anxiety rises, the pressure to define becomes even stronger. From a family systems perspective, that pressure is a symptom of reactivity. When people feel uncertain, they reach for definitions because definitions feel like control. But the moment we define someone too quickly, we stop seeing them, stop being curious, and stop allowing them to be a self. Hall writes, quote, we are ever evolving, ever becoming, and ever unfolding. Identity is an ever-moving target, and any conviction that the self is singular or fixed is limiting and often even harmful. Instead, we can hold what we think we know about ourselves with open hands.

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We can allow ourselves to become, which offers us room to breathe and blossom. Contemplative life beckons us to the same, encouraging us to loosen our grip on ourselves, those around us, and the Divine. End quote. In any relationship system, the self is not a fixed object. It's a process. It's shaped by relationships, intergenerational transmission, stress, and the level of differentiation we bring to the moment. When you forget this, you start defining others instead of managing yourself. You react to how others define you and start defending an identity instead of expressing your goals and values. A leader who needs to be defined by role, expertise, authority will always be vulnerable to the anxiety of the group. But a leader who can hold their identity with open hands, as Hall suggests, becomes more flexible, grounded, and capable of staying connected without being consumed by the anxiety of the system. In anxious systems, defining others serves 3 predictable functions. First, it reduces complexity. When people are overwhelmed and anxious, they want simple categories. She's the problem. He's the visionary. They're resistant. These labels feel like clarity, but they're actually shortcuts that prevent real understanding. Second, definitions create false stability.

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If I can define you, I don't have to deal with the discomfort of not knowing you. I don't have to stay curious. I don't have to tolerate ambiguity. But leadership requires tolerating the discomfort of not knowing. And third, definitions shift responsibility. When I define you, I don't have to examine myself. But Hall says that we can use the desire to define as an invitation to hold open-handed my own definition. That's the work of self-differentiation—taking responsibility for my own functioning instead of managing yours. When Hall writes that contemplative life is a call to loosen our grip on ourselves, those around us, and the divine, she's not saying that we should be passive. Instead, it's about clarity. It's about being clear on your own goals and values so you can stay present without tightening around outcomes or roles or expectations. In family systems terms, loosening the grip means staying connected without controlling. Staying present without absorbing the anxiety of others, staying grounded without getting defensive, and staying curious without demanding certainty. When a leader loosens the grip, the system breathes. People feel less pressure to perform or conform. They feel more freedom to think, to experiment, to grow.

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And the leader becomes the non-anxious presence who can hold space for the unfolding of others without needing to define them. Hall notes that when we try to trap anything in a definition, we also trap ourselves. Leaders do this all the time. I'm the fixer, the one who keeps the peace, the one who has to know the answer, the one who holds everything together. And these are not identities, they are roles we take on in anxious systems. And once we define ourselves by our roles, we stop growing, We stop becoming. We get stuck and stop seeing the possibility that we could function differently. Self-differentiation is the practice of stepping back from those definitions and asking, "Who am I when I'm not reacting to the anxiety of the group, when I'm not performing a role, when I'm not trying to be defined?" That's a contemplative question, and it's also a leadership question. Hall writes that, quote, our curiosity can run wild in the spaciousness of possibility, end quote. I love that phrase. In family systems terms, curiosity is a regulating force. It interrupts reactivity and slows down emotional process. It keeps the leader from collapsing into certainty or defensiveness.

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Curiosity is not a technique; it's a posture. It's a willingness to say, "Tell me more. Help me understand how you see it. What else might be true here? What am I missing?" Curiosity keeps the leader differentiated because it keeps the leader open, and openness is an antidote to anxiety. Hall suggests that the contemplative life invites us to not only hold questions but also to invite questions in. Leaders often feel the pressure to provide answers, but in anxious systems, answers rarely calm people down. Holding questions is different. It signals that the leader is grounded enough to tolerate uncertainty, is not threatened by not knowing, and that the leader trusts the system to participate in its own unfolding, in its own becoming. This is the essence of leadership through self-differentiation—the ability to remain a self while staying connected to others, even when the system is anxious. Hall invites us to turn inward as a means of encouraging our own becoming and blossoming. For leaders, this is the heart of the work. Leadership is not about defending an identity. It's about becoming a person who can function with integrity in the midst of pressure. I talk a lot about the importance of reflection, taking the time to think about what's important to you, about what's happened in certain situations, how you responded, and how you might respond differently in the future.

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Contemplating about your own goals and values so you can show up as your best self. This type of contemplation, this type of reflection is essential to leadership through self-differentiation. Becoming is slow. It's iterative. It's relational. It requires you to reflect on your own emotional process and to notice when you're tightening around a definition, either of yourself or someone else and to loosen that grip. When leaders commit to becoming instead of defending, the system changes. People feel less pressure to defend themselves and they feel more freedom to grow. The leader becomes a non-anxious presence, not because they have the answers, but because they are a self. That's it for episode 386. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. And if you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.