Welcome to Episode 374 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before I get into today's episode, I want to remind you that we have recently released a free Family Systems AI coach. It uses my intellectual property you put in your situation and it will help you figure out how you can work through it, even what you can say and work with you to help you to be a non anxious presence. I'll put a link to more information and how to get it in the Show Notes. It is completely free and if you're new to this podcast you can email me at jackristian hyphen leaders.com with your questions, comments and suggestions for future episodes. And you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, including blog posts, information about books that I've written, my coaching practice and speaking engagements. You can also subscribe to my two for Tuesday email newsletter there or at the link in the Show Notes. Finally, if you'd like to support my work to help keep all these resources free, you can do that at a link in the Show Notes for as little as $5 a month. Thanks in advance for your consideration.

And now, without further ado, Here is episode 3745 characteristics of an Open Relationship System the idea for this episode came from an article by Reverend Jennifer Long in A Healthy Congregation's newsletter called An Open and Shut Case. I'll put a link in the Show Notes. Long notes that in his book Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, Murray Bone wrote that an open relationship system is one in which an individual is free to communicate a high percentage of inner thoughts and feelings and fantasies with one who can reciprocate. No one ever has a completely open relationship with another, but it is a healthy state when a reasonable degree of openness is possible, end quote. On the other hand, Bowen wrote, quote, the closed relationship system is an automatic emotional reflex to protect self from the anxiety in the other person. Though most people say they avoid the taboo subjects to keep from upsetting the other person and end quote. It seems to me that what Bowen describes is a continuum with the ideal that is an open relationship system at one end and its opposite the closed system at the other. At the open end you have self differentiation Healthy disagreement and healthy emotional space.

Each person can take responsibility for self and allows others to do the same. At the closed end, you have adaptivity, that is people giving in without expressing themselves, or reactivity where people people react to others defensively or aggressively. This leads to higher anxiety and emotional distancing. To avoid conflict. Long asks the question, what is a reasonable degree of openness? Given that there's no such thing as perfect openness or total transparency, it's clear that a reasonable degree of openness is not some idealized version of emotional intimacy. So let's explore what markers of openness might look like in everyday relationships in families, congregations and organizations, and how you might notice them in the systems you're a part of. The first characteristic of an open relationship system is that it begins with freedom, not pressure. As Bowen puts it, an individual is free to communicate. Openness is not about forcing disclosure. It's not about demanding vulnerability. It's not about pushing people to share more. These things create surrounding togetherness pressure, which increases anxiety. Openness is about freedom to bring more of yourself into the relationship without fear that the system will punish you for it. A reasonable degree of openness looks like you can say what you think without walking on eggshells.

You can express a feeling without worrying it will blow up the room. You can bring up a topic without being shut down or shamed. And you can disagree without losing connection. Openness is less about how much is shared and more about whether sharing is possible. A second characteristic of an open relationship system is how it handles difference. This is one of the clearest markers because in an open relationship system, difference is tolerated and curiosity is possible. This enables people to think for themselves and the system doesn't collapse or blow up when someone has a new idea or a different perspective. You don't have to agree with each other, you just have to be able to stay in relationship while you think your own thoughts. Everybody can be a self. A reasonable degree of openness means the system can stretch without snapping. It's not going to be perfect. Sometimes there's going to be conflict. But in general, if people are able to express what they are feeling and believing while giving others the freedom to disagree, this is a reasonable degree of openness. A third characteristic of an open relationship system is flexibility. Under stress, every system looks open.

When anxiety is low and the real test happens when stress rises, do people tighten? Do topics become off limits? Does the system clamp down on difference? Do people retreat into silence or go on the attack? Or is there still room to think? Room to breathe and room to stay connected. A reasonable degree of openness means a system doesn't immediately shut down when anxiety increases. A fourth characteristic is that openness is reciprocal. It isn't one person spilling their guts while the other stays guarded. And it's not one person doing all the emotional labor or one person being the vulnerable one while the other avoids discomfort. A reasonable degree of openness means that both people can share and listen, stay present, and can tolerate the other's inner world to the extent that they reveal it. Reciprocity is what keeps openness from becoming imbalance. And finally, openness doesn't mean that everything is shared. Bowen is clear about this. He says that no one has a completely open relationship with another. That's not a failure, that's reality. A reasonable degree of openness means that some things are shared, but some things are kept private. Boundaries exist and the system can handle that.

In a reasonably open system, someone can say, I prefer not to talk about that. And others respect the boundary and say things like, I understand, I'm here if you change your mind. Openness is not about the absence of boundaries. It's about the presence of healthy ones. Now that you understand the characteristics of an open relationship system, let's take a look at a closed system. In a closed system, there is an automatic emotional reflex to protect self from anxiety. It's a way to manage anxiety. Bowen describes this as protecting self from the anxiety of the other person and that most people avoid taboo subjects to keep from upsetting the other person. At best, this looks like distancing, and at worst it looks like adaptivity. It's just giving in without standing up for self. In closed systems, people say things like, let's not talk about that, or you know how he gets, or don't bring that up or we're not going there. The system is trying to protect itself from anxiety, but the cost is deeper connection because people are unable to self define while staying connected. Talking about the weather and sports rather than religion and politics only goes so far, especially in families.

Closed system dynamics show up in predictable ways. Topics become off limits. People talk around issues instead of about them. There's pressure for sameness. Disagreement feels dangerous. People manage each other's emotions instead of managing their own, and the system becomes rigid, guarded and reactive. I think it's important not to think of closed systems as bad. They just are. It's like people. How often can people self differentiate? It's usually a third of the time or less so. Like people, closed systems aren't bad. They're just anxious. They're trying to survive, but they do limit growth, creativity and connection. And the question is what do we do with this? In terms of leadership, it's important to remember that you can't force a system to open. You can't make people share or be vulnerable. What you can do is model a so called reasonable degree of openness yourself. You can do this by sharing your thoughts calmly, by staying connected while staying yourself, by bringing up topics without attacking and asking questions that invite thinking. And of course you do this by staying present. When others get anxious, your non anxious presence becomes the intervention. Openness grows not through pressure, but through the steady presence of someone who can think, feel and be themselves while staying connected to others at the same time.

That's what it means to show a reasonable degree of openness and that's the heart of non anxious leadership. That's it for episode 374. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com and if you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit. And please leave a review in your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.