Welcome to Episode 368 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for new episodes. You can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, where you can find out about my coaching practice, the books that I've written, my speaking engagements, and the courses that I offer. You can also subscribe to my 2 for Tuesday email newsletter at the website or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you'd like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can find out more information at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is a rebroadcast of what exactly is a failure of nerve, part 2 of 2.

In part 1, I went into how, as a leader of a camp and retreat ministries, when we were just set to make the sale of a cherished retreat facility and then start the campaign to build a new retreat facility at a camp that we already had with 275 acres. I was called into the cabinet that is a bishop and the district Superintendents, and each of the district Superintendents Attendants shared how we should not build a retreat center. They were against us building a retreat center. As I said, this was one of the most anxious moments of my professional life, but my training had told me that the important thing to do was to not be reactive, to try to remain a non-anxious presence, and to try to buy some time. I did restate my position that I believe this was the best thing for the Camp and Retreat Ministry and our annual conference. I also said that that was okay that we disagreed about this, but the annual conference had voted to move forward in this direction. Things remained cordial and tense, but nothing was decided. To the bishop's credit, he decided we needed to think about this and then come back together again in a few weeks.

As you can imagine, that was a very anxious period. During that time, I called a consultant that I knew who dealt with camps and retreats in our denominations and so knew what was going on at the executive level. What she told me was that things were so difficult, the challenges were so great that it was almost impossible for denominations educational executives to have any vision. While this didn't change our situation, it did provide some comfort because it helped me to understand that this was something that was larger than our particular issue. It was process, not not content. In a failure of nerve, Friedmann says that whenever a relationship system is driven by anxiety, what it will also produce is a failure of nerve among its leaders. Before we move forward in terms of how one deals with sabotage, I think it's important to understand what are those characteristics of an anxious relationship system. In a failure of nerve, Friedmann contends that there are five characteristics of a chronically anxious system. The first is reactivity, and he says that this is the most blatant. This is where the emotional intensity comes out, and the reactivity is characterized by intense cycles of defensiveness, argumentativeness, and adaptivity.

Reactivity keeps people constantly on their guard, and it keeps anxiety levels elevated. The second characteristic of a chronically anxious system is hurting. This is grounding togetherness pressure. This is where everybody has to adapt to the norms of the system rather than being a self. In chronically anxious systems, people say, We've never done it that way before, or, We've always done it this way, and there is resistance to change. The third characteristic of a chronically anxious system is blame displacement. Instead of taking responsibility for self, people focus on outside forces and blame those for their predicament, for the challenge they are facing. The two that I hear most often from congregations are, if that nondenominational church down the street didn't steal our families, we'd be fine. If we didn't have to pay so much money to our denomination, we would be fine. Notice how the focus is on blaming others instead of taking responsibility for self, instead of focusing on what one can do to address the challenge. The fourth characteristic of a chronically anxious system is the quick fix mentality. Friedmann notes that this is actually the other side of the coin from blame displacement.

It's the inability to tolerate pain and is looking for a quick fix. Both are the avoidance of challenge and are outwardly focused either on the blame or on the fix. Friedmann contends that the level of chronic anxiety in a system is inversely proportional to its capacity for enduring pain. On the other hand, taking responsibility for self increases your ability to endure pain and take advantage of the opportunity for growth that accompanies dealing with challenge. Finally, the fifth characteristic of a chronically anxious system is the lack of differentiated leadership. There is a symbiotic relationship here because chronically anxious systems make it hard for leaders to differentiate. At the same time, the less that a leader does that, the more that the leader gives in to sabotage and the anxiety of the system, the more likely the system will remain anxious. In my experience, I have seen countless times where a differentiated leader can change the system, can break the cycle of chronic anxiety. It's challenging, but I think it's more tolerable than constantly giving into or constantly being in battle with others in the system. The question is, what does that look like? In A Failure of nerve, Friedmann lays out five principles of leadership.

These are, first, the capacity to separate yourself from the surrounding emotional processes. This is the ability to observe what is going on in the system without getting sucked into it without getting reactive or adaptive to the anxiety. The second is the ability to maintain clarity about your principles and vision. In self-differentiation terms, this is knowing your own goals and values, knowing where you believe God is leading. If you don't have that, you don't have a compass that will guide you through the sabotage. If you do, you have something that you can maintain as healthy stand. The third is the willingness to be exposed and vulnerable. When you are leading, you are putting yourself out there because you are exposing yourself to criticism and to sabotage. You're also exposing yourself to failure, but there is no such thing as failure when you are trying to move forward and you are willing to learn. There are only lessons. The fourth is the willingness to persist in the face of anxious resistance This is because you know your goals and values, because you believe that this is where God's leading, you are able to stay true to what you think needs to happen.

That doesn't mean you don't listen to others. It doesn't mean you don't say, I might be wrong, or you don't have to agree with me. But it does mean unless somebody changes your mind, you are able to continue to persist, even when people are resisting in anxious and unhealthy ways. Then Finally, the fifth principle is self-regulation in the face of reactive sabotage. When you're able to not give in and when you're able to not get defensive or argumentative, then you have a chance to persist. When we met with the bishop and cabinet a few weeks later, the bishop said, We are going to let the people decide, and we want you to agree to a special session of annual conference in the fall. Our normal sessions of annual conference occur in late spring. Usually, it's the first week or two of June, and that's when we were slated to make the decision to move forward with the campaign to build the new retreat center. What they were asking was that we would delay that and have a special session of annual conference four months later. This is where self-regulation is so important because what I wanted to say was, now, wait a minute.

We were supposed to decide this now, and what you want to do is you want to delay it so you have a chance to convince people to vote against moving forward. But of course, if I were doing that, that would be reactive. It would be defining them and not myself, and it would not be helpful. It would get us into a conflict of wills. Self regulation enabled me to think more clearly, and I realized if this is what God wants, then it's going to move forward. It doesn't matter when. I also realized that if we couldn't make the case that we should move forward, then perhaps we shouldn't. This is where I believe the concept of pain threshold is really important because I realized that if we agreed to delay the decision, that was going to increase the anxiety and pain that we experience It's waiting for a decision. But in the meantime, it actually allowed the system to work through to get a decision where there would be no dissension, there would be no more conflict over it. My hope was that the cabinet would keep their word and that if moving forward was approved, that they would do nothing more to try to block it.

That may have been naive, but I believe it was the best way to actually lead change through this difficult time. Friedmann used the metaphor of Chuck Yeager, breaking the sound barrier, where when other pilots were backing off as they approach the sound barrier because the plane itself was shaking and rattling and there was noise and turbulence, and they felt like the plane was just going to blow apart. Jäger trusted a physicist friend who told him that once he broke through the sound barrier, there would be smooth sailing on the other side, and that he actually just needed to increase his speed to get through instead of backing off. Of course, we know he was correct, and Jäger was the first person to break the sound barrier. Friedmann used that metaphor because that is the way it is with sabotage, that one must persist through the things that make you feel like they're going to blow apart. On the other hand, I think it's important to note what Bishop Leander Harding calls the Jäger heresy. He maintains that there is a tendency to misinterpret this metaphor by leaders who lack an understanding of family systems theory, and more importantly, who do not make the difficult journey of doing their work.

He coined the term Jäger heresy to describe leaders who are unable or unwilling to discern the difference between taking a principled stand and becoming rigidly inflexible. Those who fall for this heresy see the family system's approach as a technique for achieving their goals. They understand the importance of self-definition and taking emotional stands, but they miss the important point that they also need to stay emotionally connected, especially to the most resistant. When you take a principled stand in the face of sabotage while giving others the freedom to disagree, you create the emotional space that makes change possible. In the case of the Retreat Center proposal, this meant being connected to the cabinet. This meant staying cordial with them, talking about the details of the special session of annual conference, and acknowledging that we disagreed, but that we each wanted what was best for the camp and retreat ministry of our annual conference. In the end, the Retreat Center proposal moved forward with near unanimous support, and the cabinet did support the project, at least tacitly We never heard any rumblings that they were trying to undermine what was happening. As a leader, you will face sabotage, and the question is, will you be able to maintain a non-anxious presence or will you have a failure of nerve?

There is a quote from a failure of nerve that I think is really helpful in understanding. It's simple, but it's not easy. Friedmann writes, The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while changing yourself rather than trying to fix them. End That's leadership through self-differentiation.

That's it for episode 368. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you in advance for your help. Until next time. Go be yourself.