Welcome to Episode 365 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you're new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. You can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, where you can find out about the books that I've written, courses that I offer, my coaching practice, and my speaking engagements. You can also subscribe to my 2 for Tuesday email newsletter at the website or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can do that at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is a rebroadcast of three ways to take responsibility for self.

Today's episode comes from an article in Fast Company magazine entitled Why this type of Self Discipline Will Make You a Better Leader. And anytime I come across an article about becoming a better leader, I at least want to skim it over. And when I looked at this one, I wasn't looking for family systems material, but it became clear to me that this was all about taking responsibility for self. The term the article uses is accountability, but accountability is the same thing as taking responsibility, whether it's for self or a situation. According to the author, Jody Michael, personal accountability is essential for mental fitness, and I would say that self-differentiation is not possible without it. Accountability is more than just being reliable. Of course, that's a part of it. But according to the article, You are accountable for not only your behavior, actions, and outcomes, but also for your thoughts and your moods. This is an important distinction because oftentimes, our reactivity is coming from a place that we don't even control. It comes automatically, and we tend to think we have no control over it. But that's not true. When we are able to self-regulate and stop and think, then we have an opportunity to keep those automatic thoughts feelings, moods from coming out.

That's an important part of taking responsibility for self. According to Michael, personal accountability, taking responsibility for self means stopping unhealthy automatic patterns of thoughts and behaviors. She lists four. The first is blaming others. Blaming others is definitely not taking responsibility for self. It's the opposite. The second is defending blaming yourself. When we get defensive, we are trying to justify our own behavior. While this is different than blaming others, it still is a way of avoiding responsibility. Likewise, rationalize Organizing and making excuses is another way of avoiding responsibility. Finally, as the author notes, procrastination is a way of avoiding responsibility. If these are the ways that we avoid responsibility, How can we actually take responsibility for self? The author offers three strategies. The first strategy for taking responsibility for self is to stop your stories. There are three signs that the story you're telling yourself is unhealthy. That is that you're trying to avoid taking responsibility for self. The first is that it is about something that created difficulty for you. This by itself doesn't mean that it is an unhealthy story. But a difficulty, by definition, is a challenge, and a challenge becomes a problem if we are unable to deal with it in a healthy way.

The second sign that the story you're telling yourself is unhealthy is that the difficulty was caused by someone else or some circumstance or event. Again, this by itself does not mean it's an unhealthy story, but it is an opportunity to avoid taking responsibility if the difficulty was caused by someone else or some circumstance or event. The final sign that this might be an unhealthy story that you're telling yourself is that you are blameless of wrongdoing or perhaps even the hero of the story. Now, there are cases when you could be blameless of wrongdoing. However, when you are telling yourself stories where everything is on someone else, when the blame is on someone else, when the difficulties come outside of you, the tendency is to not take responsibility for your own response. Furthermore, when these stories, according to the author, come from feelings of pain, anger, disappointment, frustration, or hurt, then you are more likely to avoid accountability. A self-differentiated leader will look at these situations as an opportunity for growth. By working through those feelings of hurt or anger or disappointment, by figuring out what happened and how we can respond in healthy ways, we actually gain more capacity, more flexibility, more ability to work through difficult situations, and we end up better off instead of blaming others or circumstances.

When you catch yourself telling one of these stories, whether out loud or in your head, stop. Ask yourself, Am I taking responsibility for my response in this situation? If not, choose personal accountability. The second strategy that the author recommends to increase personal accountability to get better at taking responsibility for self, is to own your stuff. Life is hard and people suffer terrible things, but some people suffer those things and are miserable even for the rest of their lives. They never recover. While as others will learn from those difficult situations and will grow. Michael writes, It's easy to identify the people who are stuck in a helpless, hopeless mindset. Nothing ever works out. They are quick to tell you all about how someone else, or bad luck, or the unfair system is causing their troubles. They are resigned, apathetic, depressed, and you probably avoid them. They drain your energy. This is the epitome of someone who is not taking responsibility for self. Oftentimes, it's easier to see this in someone else than it is to see it in ourselves. Because if you are like most of us, you take responsibility for certain aspects of your own life, but perhaps not others.

As Edwin Friedmann says, Nobody gets the problem they can handle. If they could handle it, it wouldn't be a problem. Michael writes, With personal accountability, you will not see yourself as a victim. Sure, you may acknowledge difficult circumstances and that you feel confused or anxious or unsure of how to proceed at times. But when you find yourself in those situations, what you do next is to quickly determine what you have control over and what you don't. Even if there is absolutely nothing you can do about the circumstances, you recognize that you always have a choice and control over your thoughts and moods. So that's where you place your attention. End quote. Notice that the author affirms that there are going to be times when we feel anxious or confused or frustrated or unsure That's okay. It's how we deal with those feelings that really define a self-differentiated leader. Non-anxious leaders provide hope to others, not because they have a Pollyannish outlook on life, but because they know they always have a choice in how they respond and they own that choice. This sense of agency is not only powerful, it's contagious. Finally, the author Jody Michael recommends a third strategy for taking responsibility for self, and that is to be impeccable with your promises.

Michael outlines three different types of promises. The first is a strong promise. This is where you have every intention of keeping the promise, and you most often do. The second type of promise is a shallow promise. Now, this sounds to others like a strong promise, but in your mind, you hedge yourself. You'll do it unless you get too busy or you'll do it as long as something better doesn't come up. So even though it sounds like a promise, even before you have to follow through, there are doubts as to whether you will. The third type of promise This is a criminal promise. This is one in which you have no intention of keeping it. This is a form of adaptation because you are unable to say what you're really thinking with the other. But it's even worse than that because you are deliberately misleading the other. Effective leaders under promise and over deliver. If you are uncertain if you can keep a promise, don't make it. More importantly, ask yourself, what is going on inside when you are attempted to make a shallow or even criminal promise. Why can't you just own up? Is there surrounding togetherness pressure at work?

What makes it difficult to be honest with the other person? Self-differentiation is more than just defining self while remaining emotionally connected. It's also about knowing that the only person we can change is ourselves. It's about realizing that the only thing we can control is how we respond to life, and that blaming others and making excuses will not only hold us back, it will cause us to lose credibility with others. It will undermine our leadership. People want to follow you as a leader, but you don't want to give them reasons to not trust you. You don't want to give them reasons to wonder whether or not they should. When you take responsibility for yourself, you show others that they can do the same. This is both life-giving and energizing, and it's what non-anxious leaders do.

That's it for episode 365. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Now, until next time, go be yourself.

Welcome to episode 365 of the Non-Anxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shetama. If you're new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. You can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, where you can find out about the books that I've written, courses that I offer, my coaching practice, and my speaking engagements. You can also subscribe to my 2 for Tuesday email newsletter at the website or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can do that at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is a rebroadcast of three ways to take responsibility for self.

Today's episode comes from an article in Fast Company magazine entitled Why this type of Self Discipline Will Make You a Better Leader. And anytime I come across an article about becoming a better leader, I at least want to skim it over. And when I looked at this one, I wasn't looking for family systems material, but it became clear to me that this was all about taking responsibility for self. The term the article uses is accountability, but accountability is the same thing as taking responsibility, whether it's for self or a situation. According to the author, Jody Michael, personal accountability is essential for mental fitness, and I would say that self-differentiation is not possible without it. Accountability is more than just being reliable. Of course, that's a part of it. But according to the article, You are accountable for not only your behavior, actions, and outcomes, but also for your thoughts and your moods. This is an important distinction because oftentimes, our reactivity is coming from a place that we don't even control. It comes automatically, and we tend to think we have no control over it. But that's not true. When we are able to self-regulate and stop and think, then we have an opportunity to keep those automatic thoughts feelings, moods from coming out.

That's an important part of taking responsibility for self. According to Michael, personal accountability, taking responsibility for self means stopping unhealthy automatic patterns of thoughts and behaviors. She lists four. The first is blaming others. Blaming others is definitely not taking responsibility for self. It's the opposite. The second is defending blaming yourself. When we get defensive, we are trying to justify our own behavior. While this is different than blaming others, it still is a way of avoiding responsibility. Likewise, rationalize Organizing and making excuses is another way of avoiding responsibility. Finally, as the author notes, procrastination is a way of avoiding responsibility. If these are the ways that we avoid responsibility, How can we actually take responsibility for self? The author offers three strategies. The first strategy for taking responsibility for self is to stop your stories. There are three signs that the story you're telling yourself is unhealthy. That is that you're trying to avoid taking responsibility for self. The first is that it is about something that created difficulty for you. This by itself doesn't mean that it is an unhealthy story. But a difficulty, by definition, is a challenge, and a challenge becomes a problem if we are unable to deal with it in a healthy way.

The second sign that the story you're telling yourself is unhealthy is that the difficulty was caused by someone else or some circumstance or event. Again, this by itself does not mean it's an unhealthy story, but it is an opportunity to avoid taking responsibility if the difficulty was caused by someone else or some circumstance or event. The final sign that this might be an unhealthy story that you're telling yourself is that you are blameless of wrongdoing or perhaps even the hero of the story. Now, there are cases when you could be blameless of wrongdoing. However, when you are telling yourself stories where everything is on someone else, when the blame is on someone else, when the difficulties come outside of you, the tendency is to not take responsibility for your own response. Furthermore, when these stories, according to the author, come from feelings of pain, anger, disappointment, frustration, or hurt, then you are more likely to avoid accountability. A self-differentiated leader will look at these situations as an opportunity for growth. By working through those feelings of hurt or anger or disappointment, by figuring out what happened and how we can respond in healthy ways, we actually gain more capacity, more flexibility, more ability to work through difficult situations, and we end up better off instead of blaming others or circumstances.

When you catch yourself telling one of these stories, whether out loud or in your head, stop. Ask yourself, Am I taking responsibility for my response in this situation? If not, choose personal accountability. The second strategy that the author recommends to increase personal accountability to get better at taking responsibility for self, is to own your stuff. Life is hard and people suffer terrible things, but some people suffer those things and are miserable even for the rest of their lives. They never recover. While as others will learn from those difficult situations and will grow. Michael writes, It's easy to identify the people who are stuck in a helpless, hopeless mindset. Nothing ever works out. They are quick to tell you all about how someone else, or bad luck, or the unfair system is causing their troubles. They are resigned, apathetic, depressed, and you probably avoid them. They drain your energy. This is the epitome of someone who is not taking responsibility for self. Oftentimes, it's easier to see this in someone else than it is to see it in ourselves. Because if you are like most of us, you take responsibility for certain aspects of your own life, but perhaps not others.

As Edwin Friedmann says, Nobody gets the problem they can handle. If they could handle it, it wouldn't be a problem. Michael writes, With personal accountability, you will not see yourself as a victim. Sure, you may acknowledge difficult circumstances and that you feel confused or anxious or unsure of how to proceed at times. But when you find yourself in those situations, what you do next is to quickly determine what you have control over and what you don't. Even if there is absolutely nothing you can do about the circumstances, you recognize that you always have a choice and control over your thoughts and moods. So that's where you place your attention. End quote. Notice that the author affirms that there are going to be times when we feel anxious or confused or frustrated or unsure That's okay. It's how we deal with those feelings that really define a self-differentiated leader. Non-anxious leaders provide hope to others, not because they have a Pollyannish outlook on life, but because they know they always have a choice in how they respond and they own that choice. This sense of agency is not only powerful, it's contagious. Finally, the author Jody Michael recommends a third strategy for taking responsibility for self, and that is to be impeccable with your promises.

Michael outlines three different types of promises. The first is a strong promise. This is where you have every intention of keeping the promise, and you most often do. The second type of promise is a shallow promise. Now, this sounds to others like a strong promise, but in your mind, you hedge yourself. You'll do it unless you get too busy or you'll do it as long as something better doesn't come up. So even though it sounds like a promise, even before you have to follow through, there are doubts as to whether you will. The third type of promise This is a criminal promise. This is one in which you have no intention of keeping it. This is a form of adaptation because you are unable to say what you're really thinking with the other. But it's even worse than that because you are deliberately misleading the other. Effective leaders under promise and over deliver. If you are uncertain if you can keep a promise, don't make it. More importantly, ask yourself, what is going on inside when you are attempted to make a shallow or even criminal promise. Why can't you just own up? Is there surrounding togetherness pressure at work?

What makes it difficult to be honest with the other person? Self-differentiation is more than just defining self while remaining emotionally connected. It's also about knowing that the only person we can change is ourselves. It's about realizing that the only thing we can control is how we respond to life, and that blaming others and making excuses will not only hold us back, it will cause us to lose credibility with others. It will undermine our leadership. People want to follow you as a leader, but you don't want to give them reasons to not trust you. You don't want to give them reasons to wonder whether or not they should. When you take responsibility for yourself, you show others that they can do the same. This is both life-giving and energizing, and it's what non-anxious leaders do.

That's it for episode 365. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Now, until next time, go be yourself.