Welcome to Episode 364 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you're new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes, and you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader. com. There you can subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter. You can also find out about my coaching practice, the courses that I offer the books that I've written and my speaking engagements. You can also subscribe to my email newsletter at the link in the show notes. If you'd like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can do that at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 364, Differentiation at the Edge: Why your Growth Depends on the Hardest Moments. In this episode, I'm going to explore an idea that Matt Norman wrote about in his article, Why the Best Communicators Prepare for the Edge Cases. I'll put a link to it in the show notes. Norman argues that the rare, stressful, Boundary pushing moments, the edge cases, are the ones that reveal the truth about how we function.

Although he doesn't make specific family systems references, I know from following his work that he definitely sees self-differentiation as important for leadership. In family systems thinking, we know that people don't get reactive in a vacuum. They get reactive in predictable patterns, under predictable conditions, in predictable relationships. Because of this, we know that edge cases aren't random. From a family system's perspective, there are the moments when chronic anxiety meets a triggering moment, and the system shows you exactly where it's fragile. Norman shares how he and his wife had a disagreement. Nothing unusual, nothing dramatic, but it escalated faster than either of them expected. And afterwards, when they debriefed it, they realized this wasn't a one-off moment. It was a systemic edge case, a familiar pattern that emerges when certain conditions line up, such as fatigue, stress, time pressure, and perhaps a topic that touches an old emotional nerve. In family systems terms, this wasn't a fight. It was anxiety moving through the system. It was reactivity meeting reactivity. It was two people losing access to their differentiation at the same time. Because they hadn't prepared for that pattern, because they hadn't named it, it caught them off guard.

That's the thing about edge cases. They're rare, but they're not mysterious. They follow emotional process, show up in what seem like otherwise healthy relationships, and often follow the same pattern every time. Norman uses a software analogy describing how the F1 '22 racing video game completely broke on February 29th, Leap Day, because the developers never tested that date. The system wasn't prepared for a known or what It would have been known low frequency boundary condition, an edge case. That's exactly how emotional systems work. Every relationship system, whether a family, congregation, or organization, has its own February 29th. These are moments when chronic anxiety spikes, the least differentiated person sets the tone, triangles activate, old pattern surface, and the system reverts to its least mature functioning. Here are some examples of edge cases in relationship systems. The moment you get reactive because someone touched an old emotional wound. The meeting where the most anxious person sets the emotional temperature. The conversation Station where you are adaptive, that is, you give in without standing up for yourself. You get reactive, that is, defensive and/or aggressive, or you decide you need to over function. The family gathering where everyone reverts to their childhood roles.

The conflicts where triangles form instantly and predictably. These aren't everyday moments. They're the moments when the system is under some stress, when chronic anxiety becomes acute anxiety. It's important to note that chronic anxiety can go underground for quite a while. We are good at ignoring it instead of addressing it. That's why the concept of Edge Cases is helpful. It's a reminder that your level of differentiation is not revealed in calm moments. It's revealed in the most stressful, anxious moments. Norman identifies four reasons we fail to prepare for Edge Cases. The first is the optimism bias. He says, We assume that the system, that is our relationships, are fine because things are calm. But from a family system's perspective, calm is not the same as differentiated. Calm is just the absence of a trigger. The second is the cost of testing. Norman notes that preparing for edge cases feels uncomfortable. It raises anxiety. We avoid naming them because we don't want to increase emotional intensity. But avoiding anxiety doesn't reduce it. It just pushes it underground. The third reason we don't prepare for edge cases is the illusion of good communication. Norman writes that we often mistake agreement, which is easy in expected cases, for good communication, which gets tested in edge cases.

This brings to mind Murray Bowen's concept of pseudo self. This is a part of a person's identity that is shaped by surrounding togetherness pressure rather than thoughtful conviction. It's the reactive, borrowed layer of self that shifts to please others, avoid conflict, or maintain harmony. Because it's formed through fusion with the surrounding emotional system, not through reflection or principle, it can look substantial in calm moments but collapses under stress. The more a person relies on pseudo self, the more their functioning rises and falls with the emotional intensity around them. This is in contrast to the solid self, the self-differentiated self, which does know its own goals and values and is able to express them, especially in anxious situations, in healthy ways. The challenge is to get from the pseudo self to the solid self, which is, in essence, getting from the primitive part of your brain to the thinking part of your brain so you can respond with integrity in the moment of choice. Norman's fourth and final reason why we don't prepare for edge cases is because of a lack of practice. We don't rehearse hard conversations. In systems theory, this is simply the reality that differentiation is a skill, and skill requires practice.

Preparation is the willingness to think through what you want to say in difficult moments and then practice or rehearse it so you are able to function in line with your goals and values under pressure. Finally, Norman writes that edge cases are an opportunity. Instead of being moments of failure, they reveal the emotional process in a relationship system, and he cites three opportunities. The first is that high conflict equals high data. In systems theory, conflict provides insight because it's about process, not content. Conflict shows you where the triangles form, who over functions, who distances, who absorbs the anxiety, who sets the emotional tone, and so on. When edge cases appear, it's important to break them down to understand what's going on in the system. You can then think about how you'd like to show up differently in the future. To the extent that you can prepare for edge cases before they occur, you can get clear on your own goals and values, that is your solid self, not your pseudo yourself and practice how you will respond when stress and anxiety increase. The second opportunity is that trust is proven in the edge case. It's not built in calm moments.

It's built when the system is stressed and people feel self-defined and stay emotionally connected without fusing, arguing, or cutting off. When you do this, the system can grow more mature and resilient. The third opportunity is that growth lives at the boundary of the system. Your growth edge is literally at the edge of the system's functioning. If you want to become a non-anxious present, you have to practice being non-anxious in anxious moments. If you want to lead with clarity, you have to practice clarity when the system foggy. If you want to stay connected without losing yourself, you have to practice that in moments when the system pulls you towards fusion or cutoff. What Norman doesn't cover is how to prepare your sofa edge cases, how to prepare your sofa these opportunities. I'll cover that next. Here are five steps that you can take to prepare your sofa edge cases so that you can a non-anxious presence. The first is to identify the pattern. Ask yourself, what predictable emotional pattern show up under stress? Who over functions? Who distances? Who triangles? What topics trigger reactivity? Even though I often say it's process, not content, content can trigger emotional intensity. These are your systemic edge cases.

The second step is to map the emotional process. Edge cases aren't random. They're combinations of chronic anxiety, relational history, emotional triangles, triggering topics, and low differentiation. When you map the emotional process and think about what might be going on in yourself and others, this gives you a different perspective that can increase your ability to self-regulate and self-differentiate. The third step is to build self-differentiation protocols. These are grounding practices that not only interrupt reactivity, but get you from your primitive brain to your thinking brain. Some examples are, when anxiety rises, I will slow my breathing. When I feel pulled into a triangle, I will step out. When I want to over function, I will pause. When I want to cut off, I will stay present. They are a reminder that you can respond to emotional process, emotional intensity with both self-definition and emotional connection. The fourth step is to rehearse under mild stress. Remember that differentiation is like a muscle. You build it by practicing under manageable levels of anxiety. Rehearse your grounding, rehearse clear speech, and staying connected while holding your position. It's important to have a few sayings memorized that are focused on grounding you in the moment.

For example, if you need to slow down, you can say, I'm pausing so we don't say things we can't take back. Or Or if you want to avoid over functioning, you can say, I care about you and I'm not available for that. I'm choosing to do X and I'll stay connected while we adjust. Or to avoid getting into a triangle, you can say, I'm not going to get in the middle. Have you shared this directly with them? Or, I care about both of you, and I'm going to trust the two of you to handle this directly. This may seem inauthentic, but it's actually more authentic when you can get clear on how you want to function in these moments and actually practice what you are going to say. The fifth and final step to prepare for edge cases is to debrief the real edge cases. I often talk about the importance of reflection because we so seldom actually think through how things have gone when they didn't go well and how we might do things better. When the system hits an edge case, don't waste the opportunity. Ask, What was the emotional process? Where did the triangles form?

Who absorbed the anxiety? Who lost their differentiation? What needs to be reset? And most importantly, what will you do differently next time? Based on this, what scripts can you practice to better prepare you? Again, this is not faking it. In fact, it's the opposite. You're getting clear on what really matters to you. Then you are preparing yourself to express that in anxious moments. It's building up your solid self so it can overtake your pseudo self in those difficult times. It's how you grow as a non-anxious presence. Norman's article is a reminder that self-differentiation is about preparing for the moments that matter most, the ones at the edges. Family system theory reminds us that those moments are not random. They're pattern, they're predictable, they're invitations to grow in self-differentiation. Here's the challenge I want to leave you with. What systemic edge cases do you need to prepare for? And what would change in your leadership, your relationships, and your emotional well-being if you stopped being surprised by the patterns that were predictable all along? Keep doing your own work, especially at the edges of the system. That's it for episode 364. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can get more resources at thenonaanxiousleaders.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.