Welcome to Episode 362 of The Non-Anxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. You can also go to thenonanxiousleader.com to find out about my coaching practice, the books that I've written, the courses that I offer, and my speaking engagements. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter at the website or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can do that at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 362, a rebroadcast of Leadership Through Self Differentiation Part 4 of 4, Self Regulation and integrity in the moment of choice.

Reactive and adaptive responses come from the primitive part of our brain that controls the fight, flight, or freeze response. They happen automatically before we have time to think. These automatic responses help keep us alive when we saw a sabre-tooth tiger or a member of an enemy tribe. The problem is that nowadays there are very few real threats, but we still react automatically to perceived threats. Responding to the anxiety or perceived threat of others without reactivity is a challenge. The very nature of the interaction increases your own anxiety. You will feel anxious inside. The question is how to self-regulate and how to respond in a non-anxious way. The way to short-circuit reactivity is to self-regulate. This increases the time between stimulus and response and allows us to move from the primitive part of our brain to the thinking part of our brain. As you get better at recognizing your own reactivity, you can train yourself to not respond immediately to the anxiety of others, even if it makes you anxious. The next step is deep breathing. As I mentioned, reactivity is a function of the fight or flight response, which is governed by the sympathetic nervous system.

Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls our rest and digest response. Self regulation is about pausing any response, then breathing deeply. If you can do this in an anxious system, you have a chance to think clearly and be intentional about your response. For some reason, we feel that we have to respond right away to others, but my own experience is that taking time for a thoughtful response actually injects calm into an anxious situation. Once you've been able to self-regulate your response, the next step is to avoid a conflict of wills. Remember, it's process, not content. The guideline I use is, don't argue, don't agree. A simple way to do this is to say, thank you for sharing. I can tell this is important to you. This reinforces emotional connection without getting into a conflict of wills. Finally, one of the best ways to maintain a non-anxious presence is through reflective listening. By definition, listening is maintaining a non-anxious presence. First, you are remaining non-anxious because instead of fighting, getting defensive, or caving in, you are asking questions. Second, because you are exploring the other's feelings, you are being emotionally present. Reflective listening involves asking open-ended questions.

These are questions that begin with who, what, where, when, and how. Avoid questions that begin with why. People don't always know why they feel the way they so this might increase their frustration. Here are some examples. What makes you feel that way? When does that happen? How does that make you feel? The list of questions you can ask is endless, but continue to ask open-ended questions, and over the course of the conversation, the anxiety will start to dissipate. I would suggest practicing open-ended questions in a non-anxiety-producing situation. Do this during meetings at work or church. Do this in routine conversations with family members. The more you practice, the easier it will be to do this when you are feeling most anxious. Finally, at appropriate times, reflect back what you sense the other is feeling. Statements like, You're feeling angry. I sense you are frustrated. You feel hurt. Get at trying to reflect back the feeling that the other is expressing. Even if you misjudge what they're feeling, they usually appreciate that you are trying to understand them. Regardless, continue with open-ended questions and reflecting back their feelings for as long as you can. I found that in most cases, the anxiety does dissipate quickly.

Without reactivity, the noxious cloud dissipates. It's not uncommon for this to be the end of it. The other will say, Thanks, I just needed to vent, and we'll move on. In cases where the other is demanding a response, your best option is to buy some time. Say something like, I'd like to think and pray about this. Let me do that, then I'll get back to you. You will have to get back to them, but this will give you more time to process the interaction as well as increase your self-awareness and intentionality. We'll cover that next. Integrity in the moment of choice is keeping true to your goals and values when faced with situations, obstacles, challenges, and decisions in life. When applied to leadership through self-differentiation, it means remaining a self-defined, non-anxious presence when faced with surrounding togetherness pressures. It is taking a non-anxious principled stand even when you are feeling anxious inside. The smaller the gap between stimulus and response, the more likely that you will respond automatically. More often than not, this type of response is feedback, either reactive or adaptive that will perpetuate the anxiety of the system. The more space you have, the easier it is to be true to yourself.

Self regulation is about creating more space between stimulus and response in the moment of choice. It is resisting the urge to respond immediately, even unthinkingly, so you can have time to respond thoughtfully and with intention. Once you've been able to pause your automatic response to an anxious situation, you can think about what's going on in the situation, what's going on inside of you, and how you want to respond. This takes self-awareness. One approach that I find helpful comes from the practice of mindfulness. It is accepting the present without judgment. When you are able to observe what is going on externally and internally without making value judgments, you have a better chance of thinking clearly about how you will respond. This This is where intentionality comes in. It's hard to exercise integrity in the moment of choice if you don't know your own beliefs, values, and goals. Even if you do know them, it's not integrity if you're not able to act in accordance with them. Self-awareness will help you understand how your beliefs, values, and goals apply in an anxious situation. Intentionality will enable you to do so as a non-anxious presence. Remember, you don't have to respond immediately to anxious people.

Take your time, self-regulate, breathe deeply, get in tune with what's going on in the situation and inside of you. Think about how to respond with integrity, then do so in a healthy way. That is, without requiring the other to agree with you, but simply sharing where you stand. At first, this will seem awkward. Taking 30 to 60 seconds to respond will seem like a long time, but it's time worth taking. Over time, you will get more comfortable with increasing the gap between stimulus and response so that you can act with integrity. Even so, family system theory predicts that most of us will be able to respond as a non-anxious presence about a third of the time. That's why reflection and preparation are so important. How do you put all this family system stuff together? Practice. You will feel anxious inside, but you can learn to regulate your own anxiety. More importantly, you can use reflection and preparation to help you put family system's principles into practice. Since most of us are only able to self-differentiate a third of the time or less, you are going to mess up more than you get it right. That's where reflection comes in.

When those anxious moments occur and you react without thinking, either getting snarky or giving in, it's not the end of things. Take some time after the fact to reflect on the situation. Ask yourself, what happened? What was the emotional process, not the content that was at work. How did I respond? How would I like to respond in the future? Doing this is no guarantee that you'll do better next time, but it will increase the odds greatly. Over Every time, you will find that you will become more self-aware and intentional in anxious moments. Preparation involves anticipating anxious situations and preparing yourself to respond as a non-anxious presence. Many, if not most of these situations occur regularly and cannot only be anticipated, you can also predict how they're going to go. Others are difficult conversations that you know you need to have. You know what the content of the conversation conversation will be and can likely predict the emotional process at work. In these cases, ask yourself, what is likely to happen? How will the other person respond or react? What can I do to self-regulate? What will be my non-anxious response? If you can, role-play this interaction with someone who has no stake in the situation.

If you can't do that, rehearse the conversation in your head or even out loud, ignoring the stares of those who think you're talking to yourself. Any preparation increases the chances that you can remain a non-anxious presence and respond with intentionality. As you get better at reflection and preparation, when you encounter anxious situations, you will be better able to self-regulate to avoid automatic, reactive, or adaptive responses, avoid a conflict of wills, remain emotionally connected, take responsibility for yourself but not the other, and respond as a non-anxious presence in a way that authentically represents who you are and what you believe. I've also found that when taking non-anxious self-defined stands with another person, it's helpful to start with something like, You don't have to agree with me, but... Or, I may be wrong, but... The point here is to create healthy emotional space so that the other understands that you are only defining yourself and not them. You won't always get it right, but the times you do will move your life in a healthy direction. That will make the practice worth doing. This is a lifelong process. I've been working on it myself for over three decades.

I still fail to self-differentiate more often than not. Even so, I found that the times that I am able to lead through self-differentiation makes all the difference. Even one non-anxious presence can move an entire relationship system in a positive direction. By the grace of God, you can be that leader in your family, congregation, or organization.

That's it for episode 362. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you in advance for your help. Until next time. Go be yourself.