Welcome to Episode 358 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. You can also go to thenonanxiousleader.com, where you can find out about my coaching practice, speaking engagements, books that I've written, and courses that I offer. You can also subscribe to my two for Tuesday email newsletter on the website or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can do that at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 358, Seven Ways Leaders Get Stuck and What to Do About It, Part 2 of 2. If you haven't listened to part one, episode 357, I encourage you to do that first. Here's a brief summary. The idea for this episode came from a Harvard business review article, The Hidden Beliefs that Hold Leaders Back by executive coach Muriel M. Wilkins. Wilkins analyzed over 300 leaders to determine what she calls blockers. These are the limiting factors or unproductive beliefs that to keep us stuck.

I'll put a link to the article in the show notes, although it might be behind a paywall. If that's the case, try putting the link in an incognito browser. Wilkins uses an approach to managing her blockers that she calls Uncover, unpack, and unblock. In any situation, the uncover step requires self-regulation and self-awareness. You first need to pause, then name the belief that is holding you back. The unpack step involves exploring the origins of the belief and separating this from your current identity and situation. This would include your family of origin as well as any other relationship systems to which you have belonged or now belong. The third step, unblock, is reframing the limiting belief so that you can replace it with a more effective one. This is identifying what self-differentiation looks like in these situations and how you can balance self-definition with emotional connection. I I would note here that what I suggest for these three steps comes from my own experience. In the article, Wilkins doesn't break them down for each blocker. So what you heard in the first episode and what follows is my take on how to deal with the blockers that she identifies through the lens of family systems theory.

The first three blockers that I covered in the last episode were, I need to be involved, I need it done now, and I know I'm right. I need be involved is managing your anxiety by over functioning. I need it done now is managing your anxiety through urgency. I know I'm right is managing your anxiety through certainty. We'll Hawkins' fourth blocker is, I can't make a mistake. This is the belief that you have to be flawless. That is, it's managing your anxiety through perfectionism. It's often a strategy to gain acceptance and/or affirmation and reduce anxiety about relational and/or self-worth. In contrast, self-differentiation separates self-worth from performance. Mistakes evoke curiosity, not collapse. They are considered opportunities for learning and growth, not failures. Furthermore, non-anxious leaders are able to take responsibility for self by owning errors and mistakes without blaming others or circumstances. The uncover step here is first notice that you are blocked. Are you procrastinating or having trouble finishing things due to analysis paralysis? The Unpack step involves identifying where you experienced conditional approval. That is, where praise and emotional safety were tied to performance. Where were mistakes hidden or punished? This will help you to understand how you learn to function this way.

If you can learn to be more open about your mistakes with those family members, You can learn to break free of your perfectionism. The unblock step involves focusing on the next step. In other words, don't think about how far you have to go or everything that you need to do. Instead, ask, what's the one thing I can do to move me closer to my goal? The smaller the step, the better. I've learned over the years that this approach will help you to move towards what matters to you most. I've applied it to writing a book, doing podcast episodes, developing new programs, learning a skill, and improving relationships. In fact, research shows that the biggest motivator is incremental progress. Reducing what you have to do to small steps is not only an antidote to perfectionism, it's a key to motivation. The fifth blocker is, If I can do it, so can you. This is the belief that how others perform must match yours to be acceptable. According to Wilkins, this leads you to have unrealistic or unnecessary expectations and/or to underestimate the skills of others and limit their development. In family systems terms, this is defining others in your image.

Instead of letting others be who they are, you equate difference with deficit. It's managing your anxiety through comparison. The Uncover step here involves regulating your need to compare others to yourself., whether positively or negatively, as well as your need to tell them what they should be capable of. Interrupting your reactive need to define them is the first step. The Unpack step involves asking where in your family of origin you experienced criticism, impat, and/or dismissive advice. Also ask, where was social comparison the standard instead of self-differentiation? Who defined unspoken measures to which everyone was accountable. Understanding that your need for conformity and performance was an anxious response to the functioning of the system can help you deconstruct and reconstruct how you respond to anxiety. The unblock step is to replace comparison with coaching. Instead of saying, You can do it or do it like me, ask, how can I help you succeed? You can still hold your standards without being rigid about how somebody should achieve and/or by defining what they are capable of. Non-anxious leaders create space for others to be their best, but are connected enough to help them do that in ways that the other can grow more capable.

The sixth blocker is, I can't say no. This is the belief that you always step up when asked. It's a sign of poor boundaries and the inability to take a stand in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. It emphasizes emotional connection at the expense of self-definition. It's managing your anxiety through pleasing, that is, through adaptivity. The uncover step, like the others, involves self-regulation. Interrupt your automatic desire to say yes. Breathe. Remind yourself that you don't have to say yes to everything. If necessary, buy yourself time. Say, I need some time to think I'll get back to you tomorrow. Do whatever it takes to regulate your adaptivity so you can think clearly about your goals and values before you answer. For the unpack step, ask, Where in my family of origin was automatic compliance required? What were the consequences of non-compliance? How can I do this differently now? The unblock step is about preparation. Spending regular time thinking about your goals and values will help you better distinguish between obligation and choice in the moment. Remind yourself that as a self-differentiated person, saying no can protect your capacity and avoid resentment. Develop a script such as, I'm honored that you asked, but I can't take that on right now.

I can help you by suggesting someone else. You can also use curiosity to get clear on what is being asked. Learn to ask open-ended questions understand what the commitment really involves, and if necessary, say you'll get back to them so you can decide in an environment with less surrounding togetherness pressure. This also gives you a chance to decide exactly how you want to say no if that's your decision. The seventh and final blocker is, I don't belong here. This can be imposter syndrome where you feel you don't deserve to be where you are. It can also be a sign of feeling alienated due to intercultural differences. In either case, it will make it difficult to show up as your best self. This is managing your anxiety through self doubt. In the Uncover step, recognize your anxiety. Name what you're feeling, and remind yourself why you are there. What's your purpose? How does this fit with your goals and values? In the Unpack step, ask, When have I felt under-recognized or excluded? What in internalized ideal self am I comparing myself to? Where did I feel most myself in my family of origin? Where did I shrink?

Feeling like an imposter or feeling alienated is a challenging situation. Instead of dismissing the feeling, work on how you can strengthen your own sense of self. The unblock step involves reminding yourself that you do belong. It's affirming your sense of self, especially when you're feeling anxious. Develop self talk that's based in self-differentiation. For example, I'm here because my perspective matters. I'll stay connected without needing to prove anything, and I'll express what I believe when it's appropriate. A few weeks after I started as the executive director of the camp that I served for 23 years, I was sitting at my desk and all of a sudden this wave of imposter syndrome came over me, and I was like, Who the heck do I think I am? What am I doing I don't belong here. I can't do this job. In that moment, I didn't do any family of origin work, but I did remind myself that I was there because I believe God called me there and that God doesn't call the equipped, God equipped the called. I focused on mission, I focused on purpose, and I focused on God's grace. Whatever blockers you are encountering, the value of going through this process is that it identifies how you can get on what makes you anxious and how you respond automatically, either with reactivity or adaptivity.

It's one more way to look at things to help you do your own work. I don't believe it's a be all, end all, but it can help you grow as a non-anxious leader. That's a life's work. That's it for episode 358. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders. Com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader. Com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.