Effective leaders recognize what motivates intrinsically. Intrinsic motivation comes from within. This is compared to extrinsic motivation which is driven by external factors such as money, social status or the approval of others. While the latter is not always bad, those who work in mission-based organizations often do so because of intrinsic motivation. Understanding how this works can help you as a leader.

Self-Determination Theory is accepted by most psychologists as explaining the factors that go into intrinsic motivation. According to this theory the three things that are most important in developing motivation are a sense of autonomy, a sense of competence and a sense of relatedness.

A Sense of Autonomy

Nobody likes to be told what to do. I’m certainly this way. When somebody tells me to do something I already know I should do it makes it worse. OK, I have issues.

The idea of autonomy is that people want to have an influence on what goes on in their life. This is different than being a control freak. Control freaks want to control external conditions, as well as other people. All of us want autonomy.

When you have a sense of autonomy, your executive brain controls your lizard brain. That is, your pre-frontal cortex, which controls your decision-making functions, is able to regulate your amygdala, which is the primitive part of your brain that responds to threats. The amygdala is responsible for your “fight or flight” response to fear. When you feel out of control, your lizard brain calls the shots. More things feel threatening and your stress level skyrockets.

As a leader, it’s important to remember this. Telling others what they need to do and expecting them to enthusiastically follow is unrealistic. Even if you can order them around, they may do it but it’s likely to create a negative attitude that is more of a problem than a lack of compliance.

This is why self-differentiation is so important. When you are self-differentiated, you know what you want. You know what you believe. But you only take responsibility for yourself. An effective leader will say, “This is what I think we should do. Feel free to disagree. I’m just telling you where I stand.”

Likewise, when you realize you can’t control others, you can give them the freedom to make their own choices. Your own destiny is not wrapped up in them agreeing with you. If they disagree with you, it doesn’t ruin your day. This is what self-differentiation looks like. It also, helps foster a sense of autonomy in others. So how do you do this?

Ask. In the vast majority of situations, you don’t need to tell people what they need to do, should do or have to do. You can ask, “Would you be able to…” Or, “What do you think of…” By asking, you are giving the other a chance to say what they think. It’s important to remain a non-anxious presence if you don’t get the answer you want. Ask more questions. Talk it through.

In the handful of situations where you have to give a “direct order,” stay calm. Most importantly, explain your reasons. “I need you to do this because….” or “This is very important to me because…” The other may not like it, but by keeping your own anxiety level down, it will minimize the loss of control that she or he may feel.

A Sense of Competence

There is a paradox here that is understood in family systems theory. You can’t make another person responsible. In fact, the very act of trying to make someone responsible takes away their responsibility. In the same way, you can’t make another person competent. You can offer assistance, but you can’t do it for them. If you do, deep down they’ll know they didn’t do it, making them feel less competent.

As a leader (or a parent), the best thing you can do is to increase your tolerance for the pain of another. The term “no pain, no gain” really is true. It’s through pain and challenge that we learn and grow. And it’s only through working our way through challenges that we increase our feeling of competence.

Watching our grandson learn to walk was instructive. We couldn’t do it for him. We could hold his hand and help him practice, but he often preferred to just get down and crawl (nobody likes to be told what to do). He preferred crawling because it was much more stable. However, his love of bananas and kitchen utensils got him over the hump.

He went through a phase where he loved to carry around an unpeeled banana (he’d occasionally gnaw on the end). He also loves to play with kitchen utensils. Normally when he was standing, but wanted to get somewhere, he would drop down on all fours and crawl. However, one day, he happened to have a banana in one hand and a spatula in the other. Dropping down was impossible. So, he started walking, banana and spatula in hand.

This is how we gain a sense of competence; by addressing the challenges in our lives and working through them.

How can you help others gain this sense? Focus on efforts, not results. Encourage people when they give their best effort. More importantly, encourage them when things don’t work out as planned. Ask, “What did you learn from this?” or “How would you do it differently next time?”

Of course, results matter. But we aren’t always successful. By helping others to focus on effort, you will actually end up with better results. Focusing on results increases anxiety because it makes the effort appear to be more high-stakes than it really is. This will decrease the likelihood of successful results.

Some people would even advocate encouraging failure. Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx, says her father used to regularly ask her, “How have you failed recently?” This encourages effort, persistence and learning, all of which increase one’s sense of competence.

A Sense of Relatedness

Emotional connection is essential as a leader and a person. We all want to feel that we’re a part of something. When you, as a leader, can help others feel connected to you, as well as the mission of your organization, this will increase their sense of relatedness. This doesn’t mean you have to be best friends. It does mean that you make the effort to get to know other people and what’s important to them.

This is especially true if they make you feel uncomfortable. When you avoid others, it makes both of you more anxious. Going a step further, staying emotionally connected with those who resist your leadership is essential. Disconnecting leads to anxiety, conspiracy theories and passive aggressive behavior.

Leadership through self-differentiation is the ability to define your own position AND stay emotionally connected to others in the system, especially the resistors. If you can remain a non-anxious presence, you give others the opportunity follow. In most cases they will. In situations where they don’t, by staying connected and not taking it personally, you create the emotional space that helps everyone in the system to function more effectively.

Leadership is hard. It’s often about learning to function in healthy ways so that others can do the same. Understanding how motivation works can help you do this.