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Welcome to Episode 330 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com. You can email me with your questions, comments, and suggestions for new episodes. You can also get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can find out about my speaking engagements, my coaching practice, as well as the books that I have written. You can subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter there or at a link in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for just a few dollars a month, I would greatly appreciate it. It helps to pay for all the resources I use to bring you this content. Thank you in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 330, the Mel Robbins Let Them Theory is Self Differentiation Part 2. In last week's episode, I went through the basics of Mel Robin's Let Them Theory, which is also the title of her latest book. In brief, there are two components to this theory. The first is Let Them, which is letting others be a self without trying to control them or define them.

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The second component is let me, which is self-differentiation. It's focusing on your own functioning and freeing yourself from surrounding togetherness pressure. Like self-differentiation, which requires the ability to hold self-definition and emotional connection in healthy tension, the let them theory requires you to do the same with let them and let me. Robbins also stresses, as I do, that this can only happen when you are using your prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of your brain. Your Your activity, your automatic reactions, come from the primitive part of your brain, and the only way to stop this is to learn to self-regulate, to not respond immediately, so you can think clearly and respond in a way that is in line with your goals and values. I think you can see why I resonate with Robin's work. As I mentioned last week, I have not read her book, but I'm going off what I found from what appears to be a very good book summary. I'll link that in the show notes. As I asked last week, if you've read the book and I've misrepresented or misinterpreted her work, please let me know. One thing that is clear from the summary is that Robin's applies her theory in a practical way to important life situations.

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This week, I'm going to cover how I connect her work to leadership through self-differentiation, and next week, I'll do the same with over-functioning. I've said before that leadership involves change. If you're not trying to lead yourself and others to a better place, you're not leading, you're managing. It's not that we don't need managers. We do. But leadership involves change. Robbins directly addresses change in a way that completely aligns with family systems theory. The way she puts it is people only change when they feel like it. She notes that you can't motivate someone to change. They have to choose it for themselves. And in fact, pressuring them to change is counterproductive. Or, as I often say, nobody likes to be told what to do. Robin cites research that our brains resist external pressure and naturally want to push back. This is a conflict of wills. When you try to convince another to agree with you, they will almost certainly push back. I know when I'm not my best self and my wife tells me something, I will push back even when I actually agree with her. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Robbins offers two different ABCs that resonate with family systems theory and are helpful for your functioning in your family, congregation, or organization.

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The first is accept, be, and create. Accepting the other respects where they are at the moment and respects their autonomy. It's letting them be a self without trying to define them, and it avoids a conflict of wills. Being supportive without pressuring and being available without pushing maintains healthy emotional connection and healthy emotional space. Creating a safe space for change and opportunities for growth reinforces healthy emotional space for the other to find their own motivation. Remember that Edwin Friedman's concept of leadership through self-differentiation is that you are able to define your own goals and values while while maintaining healthy emotional connection with those who are anxious and resistant. The idea here is that you are not trying to define others. You are defining yourself while staying emotionally connected. Robin's second set of ABCs, what she calls the ABC Loop of Influence, gets at this. The A is apologize for past pressure and ask open-ended questions. Apologizing is taking responsibility for self and minimizes the conflict of wills. If you follow my work, you know that I am big on open-ended questions. As I've often said, the act of listening, by definition, maintains a non-anxious presence. You are staying connected to the other without trying to define them.

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One of the things that I love about the way Robbins puts it is she emphasizes using curiosity instead of judgment. I believe curiosity is a leadership superpower. It helps keep you non-anxious, it avoids a conflict of wills, and it fosters healthy emotional connection. Robin's B in the ABC loop for influence is to back off and observe their behavior. It's important to note that you are not giving up your own principles here. What you are doing is creating space for the other to make their own choices. The C is to celebrate progress while you continue to model change. The most important part of this is to keep modeling the desired behavior. Robin's approach seems to focus more on personal change that you want to see in others. Celebrating small improvements when another does something you'd like to see, emphasizes support and connection without telling them what to do. In Friedman's leadership terms, modeling the desired behavior is moving in the direction you believe while giving others the choice to follow. When people show openness to this, even if they're not fully on board, you can affirm them without trying to drag them along. Robin cites research that shows her approach, and I would say leadership through self-differentiation, works because it preserves autonomy and maintains relationships, which builds intrinsic motivation.

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She also offers a D and E of the ABC loop, which are important. The D is decide if this is a deal breaker. Can you live with the other's response? What are your non-negotiables? This is getting clear on your own goals and values, which is essential to self-differentiation and leading in this way. In my coaching practice, we often spend time reflecting on what's most important, asking questions like, what is your desired outcome and what can you live with, help you get clear on what really matters to you when you are dealing with leading change and dealing with anxious situations. The E in Robin's loop is, end your bitching or end the relationship. This is the ultimate in taking responsibility for self. It's about knowing your boundaries and knowing when to enforce them. If you're not willing to live with the way things are, then own it and either stop complaining or do something about it. From a leadership standpoint, this means setting a boundary. Certainly in an employment situation, you You can discipline or even terminate someone. It may be a last resort, but if you've given someone else a space to choose and they are dysfunctioning in disruptive and unhealthy ways, you may need to do that.

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This is a bit harder in a congregation, but it's still possible. I've worked with pastors who have set a boundary by saying something like, If you continue to disrupt in this way, you may not attend meetings anymore. Or, If you aren't able to observe these guidelines, I am going to find someone else for this position. The point here is that as a leader, taking responsibility for self means sometimes you need to set a boundary and enforce it, or own it and stop complaining. Finally, Robbins has what she calls advanced applications for influence and change. These are sayings that have self-differentiation all over them, and I have used some of them myself. I'm going to read them verbatim. She says, For critical conversations, you can say, I may be wrong about this. I've said this many times before. Or, How do you see this situation? What would make this easier? What matters most to you? Notice how these are open-ended questions that express curiosity and emotional connection. For ongoing support that affirms the behavior you want to see, you can say something like, I notice that you... Or, That's impressive. Or, I admire how you... Or, You're really good at.

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Notice how these foster healthy emotional space and connection while avoiding a conflict of wills. This is the essence of self-differentiation. While Robin doesn't use that language, her approach will help you to be a non-anxious presence, personally and professionally. That's it for episode 330. Next week, I will focus on the third part in this series, which is how Robbins addresses over functioning. Don't forget, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you have found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.