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Welcome to Episode 329 of The Non Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments and ideas for future episodes. You can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com and find out how my books, courses, workshops, speaking engagements and coaching can help you and your organization. You can also go to my website or the link in the show notes to subscribe for my 2 for Tuesday email newsletter. And finally, if you want to help support this work, you can become a patron for as little as $5 a month. There's also a link to that in the Show Notes. And now, without further ado, Here is episode 329 the Mel Robbins Let Them Theory is Self Differentiation in the past month, several people have mentioned Mel Robbins book the Let Them Theory to me as resonating with family systems concepts. I'm familiar with some of her previous work, so it wasn't a surprise. I'll say up front that I haven't read this book, but I did find what seems to be a credible book summary and what I find there definitely resonates with systems theory.

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In this episode, I'm going to relate some of the concepts I find in this book summary about Robin's book to that theory and if you read the book, I'd love to hear if you think I got her concepts correctly, I'll put a link to both the summary and the book in the show notes. The Let them theory is based on two primary concepts, Let them and Let me. Let them is giving others the freedom to be who they are, to think what they think, and to do what they do. In family systems theory, it's being a self while allowing the same for others. It's taking responsibility for self without trying to define others. It's the essence of self differentiation. It's accepting people where they are and letting them be a self without trying to define or control them. Let them not only means not trying to control others, it also means not worrying about what they think of you. In Generation to Generation Family Process in Church and Synagogue Edwin Friedman defines self differentiation as the ability to express your own goals and values in a healthy way in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure.

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When you are concerned about the opinions of others, you are feeling surrounding togetherness pressure. The idea of let them is that you can tell yourself to let them think what they think, let them believe what they believe and let them say what they say. That's them, that's not you. You can't control others, you can only control you. This leads to the second major concept in the let them theory which is let me. Again, this is taking responsibility for self. It's focusing on your own response and actions which is all you can control. This is self definition and as I say, often you can only self define if you take the time to really think through your goals and values. If you don't do this, you'll get caught up in the moment which will make it harder to respond in a healthy way. What I love about the concepts of let them and let me is that Robbins emphasizes that both are required. They need to be held in healthy tension so that you can be a self while letting others do the same. As she puts it, without let them you are more likely to feel inferior, feel insecure and or feel threatened.

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This will not only happen when the others try to define you or over function. It can also happen when they are simply being a sel but you are unable to let them. This can lead to reactivity which means you get defensive or aggressive. When you are reactive, you are not letting them be a self. You feel the need to control what they think, believe and do. This is not self differentiation. The challenge here is that self differentiation requires let them to be held in tension with let me. Not having the latter can result in adaptivity which is giving in to the other without standing up for yourself. In a non anxious way. You may let them have their opinion, but when you don't stand up for yourself, when you don't say let me define who I am, you are not being a self. Robbins also notes that when you only focus on let them without balancing it with let me, it can create detachment, isolation and even a sense of superiority. In family systems theory, this is creating too much emotional distance. You are letting them be a self, but in a sense you are writing them off because you are not willing to engage with them as a self.

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When you hold let them and let be and balance, you foster both emotional connection and self definition. You are saying to the other, I care enough about you to let you be a self even as I do the same. This is the challenge of self differentiation, but it's the Way to, as Robbins points out, foster healthy boundaries and authentic relationships. I'll note two more things that resonate with family systems theory and Robbins basic let them theory. First, Robbins notes how the primitive stress response part of our brain, the amygdala, can take over or hijack the prefrontal cortex or the thinking part of the brain. When this happens, our automatic responses make it harder to let them. In family systems theory, this results in reactivity or adaptivity, neither of which are healthy. Her practical tip for self regulation is to immediately say let them. This interrupts your automatic reaction. The next step is to breathe deeply, which moves you from your fight, flight or freeze response so that you can think about what you are able to control in this situation and you can choose your response without reacting automatically. If you followed my work, you know that this is self regulation, self awareness and intentionality.

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So you can respond with integrity in the moment of choice. In other words, this is self differentiation. Robbins also unpacks why we fear the opinions of others, why we succumb to surrounding togetherness pressure. She notes, as I have, that we have an evolutionary need for emotional connection. It's mostly a social survival thing now, but at one time being rejected from the tribe or village would mean almost certain death. It was a physical survival thing. Again, this response lives in the primitive part of the brain. It makes us unduly influenced by surrounding togetherness pressure and makes it harder to live authentically. Just knowing that this is part of our biological makeup makes it more likely that we can risk living authentically that is in L with our goals and values. Or as Robbins would say, it makes it more likely that we can let them and let me as far as I can tell, Robbins doesn't mention family systems theory. But as I look at these concepts I see self differentiation through and through and I think that's the important thing. She also, it seems from what the book summary I've seen says is that she provides practical applications to help you to work through can be a non anxious presence.

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Again, she doesn't use the term non anxious presence, but to me this is what let them and let me. That is the let them theory is all about. I also see that Robbins has some practical applications for how to be a non anxious leader. That's not how she puts it, but next week I will get into some of those things that I see. That's it for episode 329. Don't forget you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com and if you have found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit. And please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.