I recently gave a workshop on family systems theory and, as usual, people resonated with the concepts. At the end, one person asked me how my family members respond to all the work I do in this area.

My response? They humor me.

We have an understanding. I don’t try to force it on them, and I leave them alone about it. In general, they don’t talk about it.

My wife and I were riding in the car recently. She remarked that she was feeling anxious about some work-related things. I asked her if she wanted to do some PQ reps.

PQ, or Positive Intelligence, reps are mindfulness-based exercises that help get from your primitive brain to your thinking brain. I have found them to be the most effective practice for self-regulation. They help me to be a non-anxious presence. I explained PQ in my podcast recently.

Anyway, Jodi’s response was, “I don’t want any of your witchcraft.”

We both laughed. PQ and family systems are my things, not hers.

I often get people asking me how they can get their family members, congregants or co-workers to embrace family systems principles.

You can’t. Nobody wants to be told what to do.

The best thing you can do is take responsibility for yourself. Focus on your own functioning and how you can better self-differentiate. Even if it doesn’t change others, it will improve how you respond to them.

Your best chance for influencing positive change in any relationship system is learning to be a non-anxious presence. You’ll be surprised at the difference it can make. Even if it doesn’t make a huge difference for others, it will make a big difference for you. Sometimes that’s enough.