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Welcome to episode 274 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to remind you that you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter there, and you can also email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Let's get right into the episode. The idea for this episode comes from an article by Amanda Ripley in the Washington Post, How to Survive Another Trump-Biden Election. Wherever I go, I hear people talk about the anxiety that is related to this election year. We know the candidates, we know the anxiety, we know the conflict, we know the disagreement, and this election cycle is just getting started. You've probably heard me that effective leaders are able to say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. While this works in your family or congregation or organization, I'm pretty sure in this election cycle, there are going to be times where this is not going to work.

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The passion and even anger can be so intense that political discussion, political debate may be impossible without resulting in unhealthy conflict. Act. According to research cited by Ripley, one-quarter of us have seriously considered moving because of politics, and politics is cited as a chronic stressor. Ripley asks, How can we be shocked but not thrown, engaged but not enraged by this election? She offers four suggestions. Ripley's first suggestion is to create demilitarized zones. This means allowing certain relationships to be free of political debate. You know which ones I'm talking about. They're the ones where there is not a changing of minds, a conflict of wills will only result in anger, resentment, and possibly even cutoff. This doesn't mean you avoid politics. You can work for your candidate or party. You can do everything to help your side win. But there are some relationships that are more important than politics, perhaps family members, certain coworkers, or congregants. Ripley writes, "Here's the answer I've come to for now. Staying in relationships with one another is the only way to get lasting change. Hard conversations matter, but some people are not ready, not now. They don't want to hear it, and maybe neither do you.

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Severed relationships harden our hearts and freeze our minds in place. Long term, term, that retrenchment can make everything worse by leaving us more isolated from one another."This is emphasizing emotional connection over self-definition. There's a tension between self-definition and emotional connection. Self-definition is knowing your own goals and values and expressing them in a non-anxious way. Emotional connection is showing care and concern for others without taking responsibility for their functioning. Holding these two together in your relationships is a challenge. It's more art than science. Sometimes it's more important to focus on self-definition, even if you know that others will get upset. That's what it means to take a stand. Even though you try to show care and concern, others aren't getting that because they are so triggered by your stand. For example, if you make an unpopular decision as a leader or you buck the family tradition, your efforts at emotional connection may seem wasted even though they aren't. It's important to persist as a non-anxious presence until others have a chance to take responsibility for their own feelings. On the other hand, there are times when emotional connection is more important than self-definition. This afternoon, my wife and I plan to redo a flower bed in our yard.

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It needs a complete overhaul, which means ripping up the old ground cloth, pulling out any remaining weeds, installing new edging in ground cloth, and spreading mulch. This is not my thing. I'd rather be doing most other things. However, it's really important to my wife, so I have embraced the project. I'm choosing emotional connection over self-definition. The important thing here is that I take responsibility for this decision and not resent her. She's not forcing me to do this. I'm choosing to do it because it's important to her. That's okay. When we create demilitarized zones, we are saying we are going to choose emotional connection over self-definition. Our priority is preserving the relationship, not expressing our political opinions. This is especially important when we know that expressing our opinions is not going to make a difference. It's not going to change anyone's minds. It's only going to result in resentment and anger. When you choose this, you are not giving up a part of yourself. What you're doing is you are deciding that certain things are more important than being right. Ripley's second suggestion is to map your sphere of influence. This is about realizing that your impact on the world goes far beyond politics.

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It's about knowing your goals and values. It's about knowing your why and being able to focus on where you can make a difference, not on politics. It's not that you can't make a difference in politics, but in this particular election cycle, there are going to be many cases where you're not going to make a difference, and it's best to leave those alone and have other things that you can focus on that are consistent with your goals and values. Ripley quotes Caleb Fawcett, who is a Corrections Officer and Marine Corps veteran from Lansing, Michigan, who says, Good politics start with your family and spread to the rest of the world. Are you a moral individual that's doing good things in the world? Are you teaching your kids good things? Ripley notes that in the past, Follett loved debating politics on social media, and he supported Trump in 2016 and 2020. But this year, he's decided that everyone who's following him on social media is already voting for Trump. So what more can he do? He's also noticed that this has kept him in a perpetual state of anger. So instead, this year, Follett is posting exercise tips.

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He's posting fun videos where he's weight lifting his kids or explaining how to set up an inexpensive gym him. He said, "It's like I stepped back and I found a problem that I can help people with. What's more powerful, me getting one person to change their vote or me getting one person to change their life?" My guess is that if you are listening to this podcast, you are much more likely to make an impact in the world through leadership in your particular domain and not politics. Self-differentiation is knowing your own goals and values and being able to lean into them. Sometimes that means leaning into certain things and not others, and this is a time to do that. Ripley's third suggestion is to monitor your vital signs. This is all about self-awareness. This is recognizing that when you're reading the news or watching the news or listening to that political podcast and you're getting amped up, that you ask, What am I getting out of this? Am I learning something or am I just getting more anxious or angry or resentful? My wife and I used to watch the evening news just about every weeknight, but in 2018, we decided we weren't going to do it anymore.

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It was just getting us too agitated. I'll tell you, we don't miss it. It's important to note that you can get just as amped up by people you agree with that when you are in the echo chamber watching your biased news channel or reading your biased news columnists or in your biased social media group, it's going to do anything but help you be a non-anxious presence. Self-awareness, monitoring your vital signs will help you to know when these things are not helpful to you, they're actually making it more difficult to be a non-anxious presence and a non-anxious leader. Ripley's final suggestion is to think in years, not months. This is all about perspective. This This is all about understanding that things that really make a difference happen in the long term, not in a short election cycle. Certainly, the outcome of the election will influence what happens over the next several years. However, the real difference is going to happen when the polarization ends, when people figure out a way to reach across to people who are different than they are and find the things that we have in common so that we can work for a common good.

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That's harder and harder to find, but until we get there, we're going to keep going through these polarized election cycles. One of the things that Edwin Friedmann recommends is that when you are getting into these spiral of anxiety, it is important to find perspective. It's important to get out of your own head. When you are dealing with that conflict in your family or organization or congregation, it feels like it's your whole world, but it's not. Friedmann recommends talking to a friend who's outside of that relationship system or doing a hobby, doing something you enjoy. This helps you to realize that this particular situation is not everything It's just one part of your entire life. Thinking long term, thinking in years instead of months has a similar effect. Ripley writes, We are craving a new politics, a new story worry about ourselves. We need to carve out enough space in our heads to be able to imagine it and build it. I don't know what that looks like, but I know it requires getting off the old roller coaster ride. I think the only way that's possible is if people like you and I can be a non-anxious presence.

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That's it for episode 274. Remember that you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. I'd love to hear your feedback, questions, and ideas for future episodes. If you found this episode helpful, please go on your favorite podcast platform and leave a review. It helps others find this podcast as well. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye. Thank you for listening. If you found this episode helpful, there are two things you can do to help others find this podcast. First, tap the subscribe button on your podcast app, and second, leave a review. I appreciate your help. Finally, you can find more resources as well as subscribe to my blog at the non-anxious. Now, go be yourself.