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Welcome to episode 273 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. And if you are newer to this podcast, I want to let you know that you can find more information at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter where you get recommendations on articles and other resources to help you lead as a non-anxious presence, as well as blog posts and information about my speaking and coaching services. And you can contact me directly at jack@christian-leaders.com. I love to hear your questions, get feedback on what is helpful, and hear ideas for new podcast episodes. And now, without further ado, here is Episode 273, Five Reasons You Have Troublesetting Boundaries. The idea for this episode comes from an email I received from Maryanne Van Dyke, and the subject line was Five Ways of Boundary Setting That Don't Work and What to Do Instead.

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Van Dyke has a website called Cup of Empathy that focuses on non-violent communications. Unfortunately, this email is not on the website, so I can't give you a link to it. However, I would encourage you to subscribe to her regular emails, so I will put a link to her website in the show notes. If you've listened to this podcast for a while, you know I believe that nonviolent communication, which was developed by Marshall Rosenberg and Family Systems Theory, are complementary. Whereas Family Systems Theory helps you to understand what's going on behind your own reactivity, nonviolent communication gives you the tools to self-differentiate in anxious moments. Briefly, MVC is a framework for effective communication and conflict resolution that includes four steps. The first is observation. You begin by observing the situation without judgment. You describe what you see or hear, focus on facts rather than interpretation. For example, rather than saying, You are always irresponsible, You would say, You arrived late to the meeting this morning. After stating your observation without judgment, the next thing to do is to identify and express your feelings related to that observation. In this case, you would use words that convey your emotional state, your internal state.

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For instance, you could say, I felt frustrated when you were late. The third step is to recognize the need or needs that underlie your feelings. What values or desires or requirements are at play here? An example in this situation might be, I need respect, which leads to the fourth step, which is to make a specific request that would meet the need or needs that you have identified. In this In this case, you might say, Are you willing to be on time to meetings? Rosenberg clarified that a request is only a request if you are willing to accept no for an answer. This is at the heart of self-differentiation. You define yourself, but you can't define the other. Making an observation is not defining the other. It's just trying to identify what's going on in an objective way. Expressing your feelings and needs is all about self-differentiation. It's saying, this is what's going on inside of me. Making a request is at the heart of self-differentiation because you are asking for something that you think you need in a healthy way, in a non-anxious way, but also giving the other the choice to decide whether they think they can make that commitment or meet that need.

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With that as background, let's get into Van Dyke's email, which lists five things that we might try, and we think we're trying to set a boundary, but we actually aren't really doing it in the healthiest or most effective way. The first is retreating. For example, if someone makes you feel uncomfortable, you stay away from them. It can also mean that you would prefer to leave a relationship rather than express what is bothering you. In either case, this is emotional distancing, even to the point of cut off. Rather than expressing yourself in an anxious relationship, you avoid it. This might work in some situations, but in many family or work situations, it may be impossible. Plus, if the relationship matters to you, it's rarely desirable to distance emotionally rather than express yourself in a healthy way. Retreating is, in fact, the opposite of what I typically recommend to coaching clients in anxious relationships. My question typically is, how can you move closer emotionally in a way that shows you care without increasing your or their anxiety? By building connection and trust, you create the conditions where you can take a stand, set a boundary with the greatest chance of a successful outcome.

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The second way that you might try to set a boundary that doesn't work is pouting. Van Dyke describes this as expressing your feelings but not setting a boundary. When it's passive-aggressive, pouting isn't even verbal. It's nonverbal. You're expressing your emotions, your feelings nonverbally in a way that tries to put pressure, togetherness pressure on the other. And according to Van Dyke, even when you do express your feelings, for example, saying, I don't feel comfortable, this is only the first half of the equation. The rest of it would be, I need respect, and I would prefer that you don't use that language around me. Can you agree to that? Notice how setting a boundary, taking a stand, involves identifying and expressing your need as well as making a request. Van Dyke's third way is not really trying to set a boundary at all. It's triangulation. This is involving a third person in the hopes that they will talk to the person you need to set a boundary with. But we know from family systems theory that when you create a triangle, you will actually get stuck. Instead of taking responsibility for self, you put it on another person.

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And even if that person tries to help you out, it's more likely that the person that you need to a boundary with will push back and things will get worse. I want to note here, too, that this is different than venting or processing. When you go to a third person and vent, you are triangling. You are using that third person to help manage your anxiety. However, if you don't ask them to fix things for you, then at least you're still keeping the responsibility for yourself. If you do this in a way that helps you to process how you can take responsibility for yourself, then even though it's a triangle, it can ultimately help you to set an appropriate boundary. The fourth way you might try to set a boundary is communicating your need but not making a specific request. Van Dyke uses the example of saying, I have a need for space, which is communicating a need but not making a request. This is not self-defining because it's not asking for what you want or need. By not making a request, you leave the interpretation open to the other person as to how to meet your expressed need.

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Even if they are trying to be helpful, even if they are trying to respect your boundary, they may not do it in a way that meets your need. Finally, the fifth way that you might set a boundary that won't work is when you mix in judgments about the other person. This is defining the other and not yourself. Van Dyck writes, For example, in the case of wanting space, saying, You seem a bit clingy, or, You are asking a lot from me. You can keep it more neutral by saying, I prefer to call once a week as opposed to three times a week. Notice the difference Any time you make a judgment about another, you are defining them instead of defining yourself, and that will destroy healthy emotional space. People will push back, they will get defensive, they will get reactive. Conversely, when you can define yourself in a non-anxious way, you are on your way to setting healthy boundaries that others are more likely to respect because you give them the choice to do so. Setting boundaries is important for non-anxious leaders. I was asked once if being a non-anxious presence meant that you just let everybody do what they want to do.

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And of course, that is not the case. Sometimes you have to take a stand. When you can do this by defining yourself and not the other, and when you can use the non-violent communication approach, you are much more likely to stay emotionally connected while giving the other the opportunity to respect the stand that you're taking. It's hard to do this, and it makes us anxious. But if we take the time to think it through, to think about what's important to us, to think about our goals and values, our feelings and needs, and then prepare by practicing exactly how we want to say it, we have a much better chance of self differentiating in a healthy way. That's it for Episode 273. Remember, you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com, and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.