[00:00:00.000]
Welcome to episode 271 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. Before we get into today's episode, I want to remind you that you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can sign up for my two for Tuesday email newsletter where you get two recommendations for how to be a non-anxious leader every week. And you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your episode Ideas and Questions. And now, without further ado, here is episode 271, 6 Ways to Avoid in Anxious Situations. The idea for this episode came from Admired Leadership Fieldnotes in one of their articles, Thinking About the Consequences in the Moment of Decision. And that referenced the work of C. N. Beilock, who is currently the President of Dartmouth University, but who has done research on the science of performing under pressure. This led me to an interview that Beilock did with Adam Grant on his Rethinking podcast, which then led me to an article from the Harvard Business Review, The Science of Choking Under Pressure.

[00:01:51.900]
I will put a link to all three references in the show notes. But as you probably know, I like to figure out what it all has to do with being a non-anxious leader and understanding family systems theory. Whenever my wife and I are watching an American football game and there is a field goal try in a pressure situation, my wife says, he has a mother. This comes from her own experience of watching our kids compete under pressure. Some people perform better under pressure than others. We often call those who don't, chokers. I don't like the term because it equates a person's identity with a very limited part of their overall life experience. Nonetheless, I use the term in the title of this episode because I knew you would immediately get the reference. Choking under pressure occurs when one freezes or underperforms when it matters most. In addition to sports, we think of choking in terms of other forms of performance, such as a musical or theatrical performance, or even giving a speech. We don't often think of choking in terms in terms of family systems theory, but I think it's helpful to do so. In family systems terms, we're all chokers.

[00:03:07.270]
Why? Because the best we can hope for is to self-differentiate 50% of the time, and most of us average about 33 2% of the time. If you were an NFL kicker or a Broadway star, you wouldn't be around long with those numbers. Choking is the freeze option in your primitive fight, flight, or freeze response. It comes in to some perceived external threat, and your body releases stress-related hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These elevate your heart and breath rate and dilate your pupils. When you perceive a threat and go into freeze mode, your working memory is impaired, making it difficult to make sense of new information. It also makes you more prone to remembering negative emotional experiences, as well as to overthink behaviors that should come naturally. As I mentioned, C. N. Bilox made her her name doing research on the science of performing under pressure. She calls performance behaviors, mechanics. These are the things that athletes or musicians practice over and over until they become second nature. According to her research, choking occurs when we think about our mechanics instead of acting automatically and letting our training take over. This is all well and good for performers and athletes, but what about non-anxious leaders?

[00:04:28.130]
I mean, we spend a lot of time talking talking about self-regulation to avoid our automatic behaviors, that is, our reactive or adaptive behaviors. With the right preparation, you can develop new behaviors that will help you to remain a non-anxious presence and to help you avoid choking in anxious situations. So what can we learn from the science of performing under pressure to help us learn how to remain a non-anxious presence in non-anxious situations. If you've listened to this podcast for any amount of time, you can guess that the first thing you need to do in an anxious situation is breathe. This will help you short circuit your reactivity so that you can get from your primitive brain to your thinking brain. This is the essence of self-regulation. Taking a few slow deep breaths will steady and calm you so you can respond as a non-anxious presence. This is something you can practice in advance by doing mindfulness exercises and learning to slow your breathing and learning to accept the present without judgment. This will help you to think more clearly in anxious situations. This leads to the second thing that you can do, which is to close the gap between preparation and reality.

[00:05:49.640]
Bilott calls this closing the gap between training and competition. In the athletic realm, she recommends that athletes try to create as much of the pressure of a performance situation as possible so that when the moment of truth arrives, they can rely on their training without overthinking. For non-anxious leaders, this means imagining anxious moments to create the release of hormones so that you can practice how you will respond. For example, if you know that you always get anxious when discussing your children with one of your parents, imagine that moment so that you can get used to those anxious feelings. This leads to the third you can do, which is practice, practice, practice. I talk all the time about preparation. Once you've created those anxious feelings, practice what you are going to say, such as, I know you care very much about your grandchildren, and I appreciate that. Even so, I've decided to go a different route. I'd appreciate your support. Notice how that statement balances the tension between self-definition and emotional connection. And these things don't happen naturally. That's why it's so important to prepare that response in advance and then practice it over and over again.

[00:07:07.650]
You may have heard me say that when I am going into anxious situations, I will rehearse what I'm going to say, and I will try to anticipate what the other will say. Just in thinking through that conversation, it raises my anxiety, but it also prepares me by helping me to know what self-differentiation looks like in that situation. Remember, this is process, not content so you can practice similar self-differentiated sayings in any anxious situation, whether that's your family, congregation, or organization. The fourth thing you can do to remain a non-anxious presence is to practice positive self-talk. According to Bilok, you should talk to yourself in the same way you would talk to a friend. Give yourself a pep talk. Tell yourself you can do this. When things don't go quite as you want, practice self-compassion. As with the other things, these are things that you can do in advance, you can practice, as well as do in the moment. The fifth thing you can do is remind yourself that anxiety is not a bad thing. The fact that you are anxious means that whatever is going on is important to you. That's a good thing. Once you do that, you can then reframe the anxiety as excitement.

[00:08:26.820]
Biologically, anxiety and excitement are They are identical. They are the same physical responses, the same release of hormones. You can use that self-talk to remind yourself that you are excited about standing up to your boss or that resistant congregant or that critical family member. This sounds ridiculous, but my experience is that there is an excitement about becoming your own person, about self-defining in healthy ways, and when you reframe it that way, you can function better under pressure. Finally, Personally, the sixth thing you can do to be a non-anxious presence is to think about your goals and values. The Admired Leadership article that sparked the idea for this episode notes that great leaders think about the consequences long before they make a decision. That's how they narrow down their choices. When the moment of decision comes, thinking about the consequences is the equivalent of an athlete thinking about mechanics. You are more likely to choke. The main point of the article is great decisions require the leader to stay present in the moment of choice. Likewise, when you've decided to take a non-anxious stand, when you've prepared to be a non-anxious presence, you already know that people might, probably will react negatively.

[00:09:48.360]
But you made your decision and you prepared what you want to say. If you worry about how others will react, if you worry about the consequences, you are more likely to choke. You are more likely to have a failure of nerve. Instead, remind yourself of what goals and values have brought you to this point. Why is it important to you to stand fast in a healthy way in this moment? Maybe it's because that new initiative is super important to the mission of the organization or congregation you are leading. Maybe it's because you're tired of giving in to certain family members. Maybe it's because you know that if you take a stand with that staff person, it will facilitate a healthier team. Whatever it is, claiming those goals and values will help you to be a non-anxious presence in anxious situations. It will help you to exercise integrity in the moment of choice. That's what non-anxious leaders do. That's it for episode 271. You can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com and sign up for my Two for Tuesday email newsletter. You can find the transcript atthenonanxiousleader.com/271, and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.