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Welcome to episode 267 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. Today's episode comes from an article by Arthur C. Brooks in the Atlantic, Four Ways to quit complaining. I want to thank Pastor Ken B for sending me this article. I love when you share material with me that might have a family system's angle or might relate to being a non-anxious leader. So thanks again, Pastor Ken B. People like to complain, and they're doing it more than ever. Brooks cites a variety of research that shows that American customers are twice as likely to complain about a product or service than they were in 1976. One-third of UK employers saw grievances increase from 2020 to 2022, and a majority of employees complain themselves or listen to complaints about upper management for at least 10 hours per month. That's That's a lot of complaining. Brooks also notes that complaining habitually hurt yourself, brings down others, and makes you less attractive to be around.

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This is the opposite of self-differentiation. Complaining is a way to avoid taking responsibility for self. It creates an emotional triangle where you deal with your own discomfort by blaming something or someone else and/or complaining about it to someone else. Brooks notes that, like many things, complaining may feel good, but it actually has negative effects on happiness and well-being. Research shows that when you complain, it lowers your mood and level of well-being, and when you complain to another, it lowers their mood as well. Non-anxious leaders don't complain. As a leader, when you feel discomfort, experience disappointment, or deal with an obstacle, you understand that challenge is a part of life, and that when dealt with appropriately, It can make you stronger. This doesn't mean you'll always be successful in dealing with the challenge. It just means that you don't waste emotional energy on complaining. The question is, if you have a tendency to complain, to triangle, and/or to not take responsibility for self, what can you do about it? According to Arthur Brooks, the first thing you can do to stop complaining is judge less and observe more. This is a mindfulness approach where you accept the present without judgment.

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Brooks notes that complaining is egotistical, subjecting those around you to your judgment. Accepting the present makes things less about you and more about the fact that things happen, most of which you can't control and are not about you. Simply observing can help you to remain a non-anxious presence. Brooks illustrates this by suggesting that when someone cuts you off in traffic, Don't complain about them. Reframe your annoyance by noting that the other driver is in a hurry. The second thing Brooks recommends to stop complaining is to consider the underlying problem, and he's not talking about other people or situations. He notes that when something big is bothering him, he gets impatient with all the little things that he doesn't like. Triangle alert. That's avoidance of the real issue by complaining about other things. I like to think of this on two levels. The first is what Brooks is talking about. What is going on inside of you right now that you feel annoyed or you feel a need to complain? Just doing that reflection can help you take responsibility for self and be less reactive. This can help you complain less. The deeper level is doing your own family of origin work.

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When you start to unpack the patterns in your relationship system, you can discover the sources of your own reactivity without blaming others or blaming yourself. If you can start to function in healthier ways, that is to self-differentiate in your family of origin, you'll be less likely to complain in other situations. Brooke's third recommendation to stop complaining is to be a stoic. He rightly points out that stoicism is not being unemotional no matter the situation. Rather, in family systems terms, it's managing your feelings and reactivity when faced with a challenge. Brooks recommends what he calls the stoic test. When you are about to complain, ask yourself, Can I do something about the situation? If not, then complaining isn't going to help. If you can, then do what you can do and don't waste time complaining. That is what self-differentiation is. This is taking responsibility for self in a non-anxious way. Remember, Edwin Friedmann said he had a bias towards challenge and not comfort. Rather than shying away and being comfortable and then complaining about it, a non-anxious leader takes responsibility for self and does what they can do in the situation. Brooks' fourth recommendation to stop complaining is avoid the grumblers.

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To the extent you can, don't hang out with complainers and limit your exposure to complainers in the world around you, especially news and social media. As he writes, quote, remember, your misery is their business model, end quote. Finally, Brooks says to tell others that you are trying to complain less and promise that you won't get reactive when they point out your grumbling. You might think this is not taking responsibility for self, but it is. It's understanding that you are not independent, you are interdependent. Nobody can do life on their own. As a non-anxious leader, when you strive to hold the tension between self-definition and emotional connection, when you ask others for help and then don't blame them when they try, you can grow as a person and a leader. It won't happen every time, but you will get better over time and you will develop the ability to be a non-anxious leader, not a complainer. That's it for episode 267. It's a short one this week, but I really like this article. Thanks again to Pastor Ken B. If you want to connect with me, if you want to send me something, you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. You can sign up for my two for Tuesday email newsletter. You can find that in the show notes or at thenonanxiousleader.com. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.