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Welcome to episode 256 of the non-anxious leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. The idea for today's episode comes from an article by Miriam Bross on her website, Emotional Intelligence for Life. And the article is entitled About Guilt. And I just thought it was really insightful, really helpful. Before I get into that, just a reminder that if you want to connect with me, you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. And if you want to sign up for my Two for Tuesday email, you can go to the website at

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thenon-anxiousleader.com and sign up. You will get an email every Tuesday with recommendations on things that I have found helpful as a non-anxious leader. The first thing that Bross does in her article is distinguish between guilt and shame. The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt involves the awareness of having done something wrong or having not done something that you should have. Shame involves feeling pain over how you appear to others or to yourself. According to Bross, shame is triggered by limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves. Guilt is related to your actions or inaction, while shame is related to your identity. Guilt can motivate you to make amends or change your behavior, while shame can make you feel unworthy or hopeless.

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Guilt can be resolved by apologizing or repairing the harm, while shame can be healed by developing self-compassion and acceptance, often through therapy. Now that we have established the difference between guilt and shame, let's dive into Bross's understanding of guilt. She contends that guilt is a feeling and that feelings are conscious processes of an event. Further, she notes that since feelings are learned, that you learn what to feel guilty about. The important thing to remember about guilt is that not everybody feels guilty about the same things. Bross writes in her article about burping and how she tried to avoid burping as a child because that violated her understanding of the social norm. And if she did it, she felt guilty. That made me think of my mom, who's 100 and who spent some of her time in Japan, and she slurps her soup. It's annoying because it seems rude, but that she was raised that slurping was not only acceptable, it was considered a compliment. The point is that guilt is learned from the norms that you grew up with. Now you know where I'm going with this, right? Guilt is a result of surrounding togetherness pressure.

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It's important to note that togetherness pressure is not necessarily bad things. Norms create stability in relationship systems. I actually had an email exchange with Lauren Richmond Jr, who is the host of the Future Christian Podcast. He was noting in raising his children that togetherness pressure can be used for good, especially for his child, sensing the importance of taking responsibility for school work and personal appearances. I agree with that completely. Norms help us establish our values, and when those values keep us going in the right direction, they are a good thing. So togetherness pressure helps create norms, and when you internalize those norms, they become values. And when you violate them, you are likely to feel guilty. But Braw's goes further to ask the question, whose guilt is it anyway? Part of self differentiation is having the self awareness to ask the question, where do these norms come from? Am I still okay with this or do I want to function differently? When you decide to differentiate, when you decide to take a non-anxious stand, you're likely to feel guilt because you are going against norms that you have internalized. This is normal. And when you recognize that the guilt is a function of togetherness pressure, you can see it for what it is.

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That said, it's important to note that not all guilt is bad. If I say something that hurts you and I feel guilty, it's not a bad thing. If my guilt causes me to apologize and to try to make things right, that can be a good thing. Bross notes that this is integrity. This is me acting in accordance with my values to make up for the fact that I was being hurtful and that's not who I want to be. The question is, if this is what good guilt looks like, what does bad guilt look like? In her article, Miriam Bross notes that one problem with guilt is that it can be used to manipulate. Dependent people use togetherness pressure to create guilt in those they are trying to manipulate. When someone says, You don't love me unless fill in the blank, they are trying to manipulate you to do what they want. This is dependency because they are unable to define themselves without feeling affirmed by your actions. When you don't do what they want and they say they're hurt, you are likely to feel guilty. But that's not good guilt, it's togetherness pressure. And if you feel guilty and give in, you aren't helping the situation, you're reinforcing the dependency.

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Self differentiation involves recognizing the difference between good guilt, that is the guilt that comes from knowing your goals and values, and bad guilt, the guilt that comes from others trying to manipulate you. When you take a non-anxious stand and others are hurt, they may try to make you feel guilty. It's a part of the process. Self differentiation is remaining a non-anxious presence. It's sticking to your goals and values, even if the other feels hurt while you remain emotionally connected, while you show them that you care. Growing as a non-anxious leader means you are able to distinguish between good guilt and bad guilt so you can act with integrity. Recognizing good guilt can help you to make up for your mistakes or avoid them in the first place. Recognizing bad guilt can help you to take healthy stands to avoid being manipulated. The question is, how can you tell the difference? In her article, Bross suggests journaling, and she has four helpful questions to help you to tell the difference between good guilt and bad guilt. The first one is, what do I feel guilty about? This helps you to reflect on the situation so you can increase your self awareness.

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The second question is, what have I felt guilty about in the past? This helps you make connections to your internalized norms and values. The third question is, are there actions I don't take because I'm afraid of feeling guilty? This helps you to determine how guilt is influencing your behavior. And finally, if my best friend acted the way I did and felt guilty, what would I tell them? This helps you to find whether it's good guilt or bad guilt because it gives you a sense of perspective that you can use to guide your own functioning. Understanding how guilt works can help you grow as a non-anxious leader. When you work to act in accordance with your goals and values, when you work to act with integrity in the moment of a choice, it will help you to release the guilt that comes from unhealthy surrounding togetherness pressure. When you do this, you grow in your ability to function as a non-anxious presence. That's it for episode 256, a little bit shorter than normal, but I found it helpful to distinguish between good guilt and bad guilt, and hopefully you have found it helpful too. Don't forget, you can connect with me at thenon-anxiousleader.com or jack@christian-leaders.com. And if you have found this helpful, do me a favor. Please go leave a review on your podcast platform of choice and share this with a friend. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.

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Thank you for listening. If you found this episode helpful, there are two things you can do to help others find this podcast. First, tap the subscribe button on your podcast app, and second, leave a review. I appreciate your help. Finally, you can find more resources as well as subscribe to my blog at the non-anxiousleader. Com. Now, go be yourself.