[00:00:00.000]
Welcome to Episode 249 of the non-anxious leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode comes from an article by Kathleen Smith, Being the Captain of your own Ship. Smith is from the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family at Georgetown University. As you might guess, being captain of your own ship is all about taking responsibility for self. The main takeaway here is showing what it means to manage your own anxiety instead of relying on others to help you, or as Edwin Freeman would say, knowing where you end and others begin. Before Smith describes what it means to captain your own ship, she describes the opposite, that is, involving others to help you manage your own anxiety. So what does this look like?

[00:01:26.520]
One way we displace our anxiety on others is to worry about someone else and/or to try to fix them. Related to this is over-functioning. This is a way that we take the focus of our own anxiety and focus on a third. It's a form of triangle where instead of dealing with our own anxiety, the discomfort that's involved there, we focus on another and either try to fix them or we over-function or both. It's a way to avoid taking responsibility for self. The converse of this is when we try to get others to over function for us. This is a form of dependency where instead of taking responsibility for our own functioning, we try to get others to do it for us. Still another way that we avoid managing our own anxiety is when we need others to agree with us. This could be a form of dependency where we don't feel validated unless others agree with us, or this could be narcissism where we refuse to engage in a relationship until somebody agrees with us. Friedmann talked about the concept of symmetry, and this is one of those where the same result can come from two opposite causes.

[00:02:39.770]
We also avoid managing our own anxiety when we need others to be calm so we can be calm ourselves. This can happen when we are so emotionally connected to others that we can't handle their anxiety and it makes us anxious. Or when we're anxious, we try to unload it on them, and unless they remain calm, we can't be calm. A fairly common way that we avoid managing our own anxiety is through distance when we disconnect emotionally. Smith describes this as a need to be far away. Friedmann emphasized that physical distance is not the same as emotional distance. So when Smith says the need to be far away, it's really more of an emotional disconnection than it is physical distance. Even so, we sometimes do try to use physical distance to create that emotional space, even to the point of cutoff. Yet, we can be right next door to somebody that makes us anxious and be worlds away emotionally. Likewise, they can be across the country and they still live in our heads. Either way, trying to distance emotionally, even to the point of cutting off, will increase anxiety in the relationship system, even if it helps us to manage our own.

[00:03:59.760]
Finally, triangles are a way that we avoid managing our own anxiety. The two examples that Smith gives are asking others to relay messages for us or venting to them to help calm ourselves down. Either of these is a triangle. In the case of relaying messages, we're unable to take responsibility for self and to find a healthy way to speak directly to the third, so we ask somebody else to relay a message for us. Classic triangle. Likewise, when we vent to somebody else about a third person who is making us uncomfortable, we are avoiding managing our anxiety in a healthy way. I will say if you vent to another about a third person who is making you uncomfortable and you don't ask them to intervene and fix it for you, it's still a triangle, but it's not as bad as if you are getting them involved. What's important to remember here is that you are utilizing that person to help you manage your own anxiety. It's still a form of triangle, but it could be worse. It's important to highlight what Murray Bowen said about self-differentiation, which is even being able to differentiate 50 % of the time is extraordinary, and that most people do it only about a third of the time or less.

[00:05:20.880]
That means that we are utilizing these ways to involve others to manage our own anxiety because we are not as mature as we could be, because we have not been able to work on our own functioning and take responsibility for self. So if this is what it looks like to avoid managing our own anxiety, what does it mean to differentiate? What does it mean to be the captain of our own ship? I emphasize self-awareness and intentionality, and that is one of the first ways that we can be the captain of our own ship. One way that Smith notes we can do this is to recognize our own immaturity. This actually helps us to take responsibility for self in healthy ways and to self differentiate. When we have this awareness, we're better able to understand in the moment that we are not managing our own anxiety but that we're trying to involve others. And when we do this, we have an opportunity to then think, what does it mean to function in healthy ways so that I can be more intentional so that I can actually differentiate here so I can actually take responsibility for self.

[00:06:32.800]
This leads to the intentionality piece, which Smith describes as thinking about how we want to move forward. If self differentiation is being able to define our own goals and values in healthy ways in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure, then thinking about how we want to move forward is thinking about our goals and values. This is all about self-definition, which is one aspect of being a non-anxious leader. Of course, self-definition without healthy emotional connection is not helpful. Smith describes another way that we can captain our own ship as the ability to observe the relationship system and know the patterns to the point that we can even predict how people are going to function. This helps us to be more intentional because we understand the patterns and because we can then think about how we can respond in non-anxious ways. We won't always get it right, but you will be surprised how often you can anticipate how people are going to respond to anxiety in the system. And when you do this, it makes it more likely that you can better manage your own. Another thing that non-anxious leaders do to take responsibility for self is to let others be in charge of themselves.

[00:07:51.220]
We know intellectually that we can't tell others what to do. It will only cause them to resist more. But when we are not aware of what's going on ourselves and in the relationship system, we tend to respond automatically. This is usually not good. Smith notes that it's important not just to let others be in charge of themselves, but also to stay in contact with important people in the system, that is, people with whom we have important relationships. This is the essence of being a self while letting others be themselves as well. When we are able to regulate our own reactions and avoid trying to tell others what to do or over function for them, we give the system a chance to function in healthy ways, and it's taking responsibility for self without taking responsibility for others. Likewise, non-anxious leaders don't triangle. We understand that when we are uncomfortable, when we're feeling anxious, that triangling a third is involving others and managing our own anxiety. If we can create space between stimulus and response, then we can think about, what does it mean to take responsibility for self? How am I trying to involve others in managing my own anxiety?

[00:09:09.440]
And we can ask ourselves, Am I creating a triangle in this situation? Finally, Smith says that one way we kept in our own ship is to be open to other people's thinking without being adaptive. Being a non-anxious leader means that we let others be themselves. It means that we are open to their thinking even if they disagree with us. I often say that effective leaders are able to say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. Going further, we can get curious about it. We can ask them what's behind their own beliefs even when they disagree with us without being reactive or adaptive. That is without getting defensive or aggressive or without just giving in and taking on what they believe. This is difficult work. It is not easy to manage your own anxiety without involving others because our natural tendency is to triangle. Murray Bowen said that the triangle is the most stable form of human relationship, and that's because we more often than not are not able to take responsibility for self. So don't get discouraged when you involve others to manage your own anxiety. Be aware, reflect, prepare yourself so that as you encounter anxiety in the system, you're able to manage it yourself without involving others.

[00:10:36.230]
If you can do that, you will present yourself as a non-anxious presence, as a non-anxious leader, and you will be the leader that people want to follow. That's it for episode 249. You can subscribe to my two for Tuesday newsletter at the non-anxiousleader.com, and you can email me at jack@christian-leader.com. I always like to hear from you with ideas for new episodes as well as feedback on what you find helpful. And finally, if you have found this helpful yourself, please share it with somebody else that you think might benefit. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.