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Welcome to Episode 243 of the Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to remind you that Family Systems 101, a free course based on my book, If You Met My Family, You'd Understand a Family Systems primary begins on Tuesday, September 26th at 7:00 PM and runs at the same time every week except for Thanksgiving week until December 12th. That's 11 sessions in all. This is a chance for you to take what you've learned in family system theory and actually work with others to apply it in your own life, personally and professionally. I'll put a link to the show notes so you can get more information. And now without further ado, here is Episode 243, five phrases that hold you back as a non-anxious leader, and how to change them. This week's episode is based on an article from inc.

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Com. A neuroscientist explains why these five phrases are holding you back and what to say instead. By Minda Zedlin. And it's based on the work of brain expert Josh Davis. Davis is the author of two best sellers, two awesome hours, science-based strategies to harness your best time and get your most important work done. According to Davis, the words we choose have a powerful effect on our thoughts and emotions and can help us be more effective and successful and push past doubts and let go of regrets. The principles that Davis shares apply not only to our own self-talk, but also help us to better understand how other people are viewing things by looking at how they choose specific words and phrases. So what are the five phrases that hold us back? The first is changing I have to to I get to. When we say I get to, it increases our sense of agency and helps us better find joy and celebration and whatever that might be. It's taking responsibility for self. And if we think of self differentiation in terms of goals and values, then saying I get to helps us to think about how we are moving towards those things that are most important in our life.

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On the other hand, saying I have to, connotes a sense of helplessness that we don't have a choice in the matter when actually we do. I realized that every week I say I have to record a podcast to my wife. But this week I said I get to record a podcast because it's not something that I have to do. I choose to do it because I want to help people. And I get responses from people that tell me it's helpful. This past week, Ron, who is one of the listeners, who's actually a friend of mine who meets in a clergy group of about eight people to listen to episodes every week, wrote me to say that the six of the eight people in that group found episode 223 helpful. Now, I realize there are a few episodes behind in listening, but I get that. But the important thing for me was to hear that what was being shared in the podcast was helpful to people, and that's why I do it. So I get to do this. I don't have to do it. The second phrase that we can change is to say we need to decide instead of saying we need a decision.

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According to Davis, changing a verb into a noun transforms a process into a fixed outcome. Instead of thinking in terms of next steps and possibilities, we're thinking of the end result, and that can block us from moving forward. When you use verbs, you are more focused on action. When you use nouns, you are more focused on outcomes and on effort. Focusing on effort is more important than focusing on outcomes. If you focus on the effort, it will move you towards the outcome, and it will give you chances to be adaptive and flexible as you get closer to whatever that end result might be. In this case, it is a decision, but it can be anything like that. Going back to the podcast example, very early on when I started this podcast, I decided that I was going to do it weekly and do it every week. And I could have said, I need to make a commitment to produce an episode every week. But the more action-oriented statement is, I am committing to produce an episode every week. The third phrase that holds us back is, I can't, and we can change that to, I might.

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Again, this is all about taking responsibility for self. Edwin Friedmann said that a primary factor in whether something is a challenge or a problem is in our own response. He would say, Nobody gets the problem they can handle because if they could handle it, it wouldn't be a problem. When you say, I can't, you by definition are turning a challenge into a problem. You're taking something that might be difficult and saying that it's impossible. When you say, I might, you're opening up possibilities for actually responding to the challenge. One question that is recommended is asking, What's stopping me from doing this? When you ask that question, you're acknowledging that there may be obstacles and you're trying to define them. You're trying to find out what they are so that then you can define your own course of action. This is what self-definition is, and it increases the likelihood that you can develop an effective response to whatever challenge you are facing. The fourth phrase that Davis holds us back is the phrase, I shouldn't. And he recommends changing it to, What would happen if I did? Should and shouldn't language is not self differentiation language.

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Davis notes that should and shouldn't language is characterized by burden and shame. In family systems terms, I would say that this is surrounding togetherness pressure. When we are saying either we should do something or we shouldn't do something, we are responding to the norms of other people. We are not taking responsibility for self, but we are allowing what other people think to infect our thinking. Davis says, quote, it's worth pausing and saying, wait a second, do I really deserve to be operating with this burden or shame? When you find yourself saying should or shouldn't self-regulate, create a pause so that you're not just responding automatically to surrounding togetherness pressure. That way, you can think about your goals and values and act with integrity in the moment of choice. When you ask, what would happen if I really did this? You can actually think through the possible consequences or even the positive results so that you can act with intention and purpose. Finally, the fifth phrase that holds us back is, I shouldn't have. And Davis says, Change that to, I'm sad that. This is about regret and shame again, but in the past tense, according to psychologist Albert Ellis, who, by the way, was famous for disliking the word should, sadness moves you away from shame and regret and involves acceptance.

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It's taking responsibility for self and saying, I did that and I'm sad about it. This again goes back to agency. This is about who decides what's right and wrong and whether or not you're going to live with the consequences of what you've done. Neither phrase, I shouldn't have, or I'm sad that, changes what's happened. But the latter enables you to better accept it and move forward. Whereas when you say I shouldn't have, it focuses more on living in the past, living in shame and regret, and makes it more difficult to move forward in a positive way. How we talk to ourselves, the words that we choose do matter. It's important to note that being aware of what we are saying to ourselves, having self-awareness can help us to move towards self-differentiation, help us to move towards taking responsibility for self, helping to move away from shame and regret so we can better address life's challenges. The bottom line is that life is hard, it's full of challenges. And if we want to function as a non-anxious leader, we need to be aware of how we talk to ourselves so that we can have a bias towards action and movement and away from shame and regret.

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That's it for episode 243. You can connect with me at thenon-anxiousleader.com. You can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. And if you would leave a review on your platform of choice, whether that's Spotify or Apple Podcast or some other podcast, it helps other people to find this podcast as well. Don't forget, there is a link in the show notes to get more information about the free course, Family Systems 101, which is based on my book, If You Met My Family, You'd Understand. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.