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Welcome to Episode 227 of the Non Anxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. I am still on vacation, so I will be doing the rebroadcast of a Family systems model of burnout part two. I also want to apologize for the audio. Apparently, when I recorded this back in the fall of 2021, I must have been on the road for episode two because the sound quality is not what I'm used to. I must have been doing it somewhere where I couldn't get the right acoustics. Anyway, we are going on with the show and I will be back with an all new episode next week. Without further ado, here is Episode 227, A Family Systems Model of Burnout, part 2 of 2.

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I'm going to give a quick recap of the five characteristics of a system or congregation that is more likely to have its leader experience burnout. One, the congregation is isolated from its own faith community and or its local community. Two, a great degree of emotional distance between the lay leadership and the general membership. Three, lay leadership has no other friends or social networks so that the congregation becomes the entire emotional life of its leaders. Four, lay leadership has intense relationships outside of the congregation through blood, marriage, or business. And five, lay leadership, especially the top leader, is unable to take well defined positions that are independent of the complainers. And while these characteristics can be true of any system, they are most true of congregational systems. The question is, what can you do if you are in a system that exhibits these characteristics? I have five suggestions. First, recognize that the system is likely to have residue or unworked out issues from previous relationships with a leader or leaders. If there were no residue, it would be much less likely that they exhibited the characteristics that I have mentioned. Now, two variables contribute to residue.

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The first variable is the length of tenure of a previous leader or leaders. A highly emotional departure of a short term leader is much easier and leaves less residue than a less intense transition of a long term leader. By their very nature, these latter situations of long term leaders are characterized by deeply rooted emotional interdependency. This is not bad. It just makes transitions harder and more likely to leave residue or unworked out issues. The second variable relates to how separations or transitions were handled. If a separation is characterized by intense conflict or immoral and or unethical behavior, this will increase the amount of residue. So even a short term relationship can leave unworked out issues in these situations. Of course, the worst situation is when both conditions are satisfied, a traumatic separation of a long term leader. I am aware of a congregation that had a string of pastors who were removed abruptly due to moral failure. I've wondered if the last of the pastors in this line would have avoided this trap if he understood family systems dynamics. In other words, could the congregational dynamics have been so intense that the unwitting choice was either burnout or moral failure?

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Regardless, the idea here is that understanding the history of a system will give you clues to their emotional functioning. If there have been difficult transitions, you are more likely to be the object of their intensity, either good or bad, and therefore, more likely to experience symptoms of burnout. My second suggestion is to use the coaching model to avoid taking responsibility for the congregation's emotional functioning. Instead of getting drawn into their conflicts, ask questions and make sure to give everyone the freedom to have their own opinion. It's important in these cases to recognize emotional process to avoid getting drawn into the content. If people are seeking to triangle you to take their side against others in the system, then you want to use this approach. It's likely that the content is a red herring in itself. That is, it's about something that is really not that important, such as the color of the carpet or who's responsible for cleaning the kitchen after church suppers. In the event it's a higher stakes issue, such as the church's stance on human sexuality, it's still important to maintain a coaching position for as long as possible. At some point, you'll have to take a stand, but do so in a non anxious way while also making clear that others are free to disagree.

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The point of using the coaching model is to avoid getting into triangles, which leads to the third suggestion. One of the best ways to avoid getting into a triangle is to focus on developing individual relationships. The third way to deal with congregations that promote burnout is to focus on developing individual relationships with as many members as possible, especially those in positions of influence. Remember that influence can be formal or informal. Friedmann points out that this is especially true when entering a congregation. He writes on page 271 of Generation to generation, "To become a leader of a new family, one must become its head. If it is an established family, then one will not emerge as its head through some natural process of that organism's growth. In such a transplant, time must be allowed for the graft to take. In fact, if entering clergy would make this their main priority for the first year or two, rather than hurrying to introduce new programs, not only will they increase their chance of a long lasting marriage, they are also more likely to see those program ideas accepted." The fourth suggestion in coping with congregations that promote burnout is to use life cycle ceremonies as opportunities.

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Life cycle ceremonies is related to individual families include ceremonies such as funerals, weddings, baptism, and retirement. Ceremony can also be related to the system or congregation, such as homecomings and anniversaries. Some times, opportunities present themselves to create life cycle ceremonies. Friedman writes on page 268 of Generation to Generation that, "A congregation had been totally unable to adjust to the loss of its leader after 25 years. It rapidly went through two ministers and was about to go through a third who realized that the problem had to do with the incomplete goodbye but had no idea what to do about it. Then it was discovered that the cremated remains of the former leader had been placed on some humble shelf in another part of town. It was suggested that with all possible haste, they be buried with appropriate ceremony on the church grounds." In this case, the minister had the opportunity to create a life cycle ceremony that helped the congregation grieve. While you may not get this break, you could use a homecoming celebration to honor a beloved leader, whether that leader is dead or alive. And if she or he is alive, you can even invite them back to connect with the congregation.

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While this may violate some rules that denominations have about previous ministers having contact, I think those rules sometimes are unfortunate in that they actually promote the dysfunction that promotes congregations having characteristics that burn out their leaders. When individual families go through life cycle ceremonies, you want to move closer to them and connect as a non anxious presence. This creates an opportunity for you to rework your relationship with them, as well as for them to rework relationships in their own family of origin. To the extent these situations occur among the most influential leaders, they present a chance to rework the entire system for the better. Finally, as with all things family systems, one of the best things you can do for yourself as a leader is to do your own family systems work. To the extent that you are able to rework the unresolved relationships in your own family of origin, you will grow in self differentiation, which will make you less susceptible to becoming the symptomatic one in systems that promote burnout. Not easy stuff, but this is what non anxious leaders do.

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That's it for Episode 227. Don't forget to connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can sign up for my Two For Tuesday email, and next week I will be back with an all new episode. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.