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Welcome to Episode 223 of the Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into the meat of today's episode, I want to emphasize that when you are presenting yourself as a non anxious presence, when you are a non anxious presence in a difficult situation, you will feel anxious inside. If you don't feel anxious inside, that's great. But in most cases, you will. And so the point of presenting as a non anxious leader, the point of being a non anxious presence is to help bring the anxiety level in the room down and to enable others to be their best selves, just as you are trying to be your best self. So that's what we're going to focus on today are five things that can help you to do that even as you're feeling anxious inside. The idea for this episode comes from an article, People with high emotional intelligence use five simple words to become exceptionally persuasive by Bill Murphy Jr. from inc.com. I will post a link in the show notes. Emotional intelligence certainly is a component of self-differentiation because people who are emotionally intelligent are self-aware and they are also able to self-regulate.

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They're able to regulate their own automatic responses so that they can respond in more helpful ways. So emotional intelligence is a way of being able to be a non anxious presence. And these five approaches, these five phrases are, I think, helpful ways to think through how we can be more of a non anxious presence in anxious situations. The first one of those is prefacing, knowing how to use a smart preface to whatever you have to say. Now, this takes the ability to prepare in advance to think through what you actually want to say so that you can preface it in a helpful way. Murphy notes that sometimes you need to be direct. He uses this example, I need you to show more interest at work, or I'm afraid you'll risk losing your job. Here's why. And notice how that is a self differentiated statement. He is saying, when I say something like this, I'm going to express what I'm concerned about that what I need rather than telling you what you have to do. It's the difference between defining self and defining the other. Other times you're going to need to be more subtle. Murphy gives three examples.

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I have an idea I'd like to ask you to consider. I noticed something about your performance today. Do you mind if I offer some advice? I want to tell you a story. I hope you're going to find it interesting, maybe even instructive. Again, notice the self defining and not defining of the other. Even when you're saying that you want it to be instructive or you want to offer some advice, you're asking them if it's okay and you're saying, this is what I'm hoping. The important point about prefacing is that it takes preparation. You're going to want to think through in advance how you want to say things and what things you can do to soften it, to keep the conversation from degenerating into a conflict of wills. If you followed this podcast for a while, you know that I have a couple that I use to preface to avoid a conflict of wills. One is it's okay if you don't agree with me, or it's okay if we don't agree, or I may be wrong. That's a preface that's saying, Here's what I think, here's what I believe, but I may be wrong about that.

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So what it does is it softens things so that there is less likely to be a conflict of wills. That is the purpose of prefacing. The second thing you can do to be a non anxious presence is to prioritize. This enables you to organize your thoughts so you're able to get across what you really want to get across, that your important points get across to the other person. And Murphy notes that people tend to think in terms of threes. So if you can organize your thoughts into three points, it will actually be more effective. From a family system standpoint, this is about knowing your own goals and values. This is about being self defined, asking yourself, why does this matter to me? What do I want to get out of this? And then being able to express it in a way that defines yourself without engaging in a conflict of wills. Prioritizing is about self definition, but it takes self awareness, it takes reflection, it takes preparation, and then it takes intentionality in the moment. These are all things that non anxious leaders do to be able to express themselves in healthy ways. The third thing you can do to be a non anxious presence is to understand how pauses work.

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Murphy cites research from a decade ago that shows that the length of a pause actually has a different response. So if you pause for four seconds or more, then the other person is likely to start to feel their emotions. And this can include fear and anxiety. So if you really want to know how somebody else is feeling, pause for that long period of time. Four seconds actually is a long period of time. It's not being manipulative. It's just knowing what you want out of the discussion. If you pause for that long period of time so that you can get a sense of how somebody really feels, that's great. But also be prepared for reactivity. Be prepared that they might have some type of automatic response that's not going to be helpful for the situation. Then you're going to have to be able to not argue and not agree, to be able to listen and ask questions to bring the anxiety of the conversation down. On the other hand, if you want to offer comfort and relief, make sure your pauses are two seconds or less. In other words, you can pause just to let everybody take a breath, but not too long so as people might actually start to feel their emotions.

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Again, this is not manipulation. It's just understanding how pauses work so you can be your best self to help the other be their best self. The fourth thing you can do to be a non anxious presence is to be polite. Murphy notes that this is the default for emotionally intelligent people and that they use it to avoid creating resistance where it doesn't need to exist. In other words, they use it to avoid an unnecessary conflict of wills. He notes research that sites that when the substance of answers is identical, people respond better to answers that are polite. To me, this is understanding that emotional connection matters that people want to know that you care, and one way that you signal that you care is to be polite with others. This doesn't mean that you're not going to say what you believe. This doesn't mean that you're not going to self differentiate, but you're going to do it in a healthy way. You're going to do it as a non anxious presence. And politeness is basic to being a non anxious presence. And finally, the fifth thing that you can do to be a non anxious presence is to understand the importance of phrasing.

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Now, Murphy says that the reason we do this is so that we don't accidentally trigger unintended emotions. I would agree with that completely. But one of the examples he gives made me take notice. He writes about a situation where you might believe that somebody is flat out wrong and is being stubborn. Here are three phrases that he suggests, depending on the reaction that you are trying to prompt. The first is you're flat out wrong. The second is I can't understand how you could possibly think that. And the third is, can you help me think this through and understand your position better? When I read those, I looked at them and I said, I just can't picture a situation where I would use one of the first two. You're flat out wrong and I can't understand how you could possibly think that. Those two seem to me to elicit a conflict of wills because they're defining the other. Whereas the third is, can you help me can you help me think this through and understand your position better? I'm trying to understand you better. Can you help me with that? I think that is a more helpful way to be a non anxious presence.

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But I suppose, giving Murphy the benefit of the doubt, he's saying that there might be some situations where you want to provoke a conflict of wills. I'm having a hard time thinking of when that would be the case. Regardless of what his intent is, I think the point is that understanding that how we phrase things is really critical. This is where that self awareness, that reflection, that preparation can lead to intentionality. It can help us to phrase things in ways that keep the anxiety down and allow us to avoid a conflict of wills. This is what a non anxious presence is able to do in difficult situations. I want to emphasize that this does not come naturally. These are things that we have to prepare for so that we are ready in the moment. Even when we prepare, it is possible that we're not going to pull it off the way we want, and that's when we have to go back and reflect and think about how we can do it better the next time. Murphy does have some helpful phrases that put things off so that you have time to think things through so you don't have to resolve the situation at that moment.

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Here are the three phrases he suggests, and I think they're helpful. Lots to think about here. Let's pick it up at the next meeting. Or, Please don't make a decision now. Let me get the answers to the questions you posed. Or, It seems like we have a few issues to resolve. Why don't I write up a draft on what we've agreed on and we can go from here. I believe the important point here is that you have some phrases in your pocket to buy some time that you're able to then say, We don't need to finish this now. Let's come back to this. When you do that, it enables everybody to think more clearly because you are not pushing to get an answer. You're not pushing to get things resolved. More than anything, what Murphy's article did for me is to emphasize the importance of taking time to prepare for difficult conversations. Going into conversations without having a sense of what you want to say and how you want to say it will open you up to more reactivity, more difficult situations, more anxiety. Whereas if you take the time to know what you think, to know what you believe, to think about how you're going to phrase it, how you're going to express it, and also to think about how you might respond to an other's anxiety, then you will be more likely to be a non anxious presence.

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This is what non anxious leaders do. That's it for Episode 223. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can find the transcript at thenonanxiousleader.com/223. And if you would tell a friend about the Non anxious Leader podcast, I would appreciate it. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.