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Welcome to episode 190 of The Non-anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I'm excited to announce that another offering of Family Systems 101 is coming up this fall. It's going to run every Tuesday night from seven to 08:30 p.m. Eastern time, and it will start September 27 and run through December 13. That's eleven weeks of sessions, including a week off for Thanksgiving. The course will be run again by Brian Ivory and Lisa Reardon. They'll be joined this time by Dave Mullen, who participated in the spring offering of Family Systems 101 and who has been studying bow and theory for a long time. The course uses my book If You Met My Family, you'd Understand a Family Systems Primer and you get a free PDF copy of the book just for being a part of the class. If you want more information or to join the class, you can go to the show notes and click on the link. You can also email me with any questions at jack@christian-leaders.com. I'll be joining the first and last sessions, so I look forward to seeing you there. Now, without further ado, here is episode 192, levels of self-differentiation.

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This episode is based on an interview with Michael Kerr in 2007 by the Family Systems Institute. And I want to give a big thank you to Michael Naka, who gave me a heads-up about this interview and also asked the specific question about these two levels of self-differentiation. And of course, I thought, well, if he is asking, then it's probably a good topic for a podcast episode. Dr. Michael Kerr trained under Murray Bowen for two decades and then when Bowen died in 1990, succeeded him as the director of the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family at Georgetown University. So Kerr has stellar credentials. In this interview, Kerr reminds us that self-differentiation is hard. He doesn't say this, but I am reminded that Murray Bowen said that most people are able to self-differentiated less than 30% of the time, that 50% of the time would be extraordinary, and 70% of the time would be a once and several century occurrence. In this interview, Kerr says, "We are all a lot more emotionally immature than we would like to think. Emotional immaturity comes in so many deceptive packages, such as helping others.

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We often try to help others to relieve our own anxiety about their distress. It is hard to appreciate the depth to which anxiety runs our lives and the myriad ways we try to deal with that anxiety that are out of awareness." Kerr is reminding us that many times the ways that we function may seem healthy but are not actually differentiating. We are using ways to relieve our anxiety that are not necessarily taking care of self. The example he uses of helping others is that helping others is not bad. But when we do it to relieve our own anxiety, we are actually avoiding our own discomfort. In this interview, Kerr identifies two levels of self-differentiation functional and basic. And I have been studying family systems theory for 30 years and I have not seen this distinction. Functional self-differentiation is a change in functioning. For example, when somebody who drinks heavily decides to stop drinking, that kind of change is functional differentiation. Kerr describes this as change and what he notes is that even though this type of functional differentiation changes how we function, it still does not get at the underlying anxieties behind who we are and what makes it difficult to differentiate.

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In contrast, basic self-differentiation is described as progress. This is when we start to deal with the underlying anxieties in our functioning and it makes us more resilient and better able to manage the challenges that trigger symptomatic behavior. The way I would describe this is that functional differentiation, which Kerr describes as change, deals with how we act it's in a way a managing of our functioning. So even though it doesn't get at the underlying anxieties, it helps us to function more effectively. One of the best examples of this is self-regulation. This is something I talk about a lot, but self-regulation doesn't actually deal with the underlying anxieties. All it does is it helps us to manage our automatic response. It helps us to avoid responding automatically with either reactivity or adaptivity. This is increasing the space between stimulus and response so we can be more self aware and more intentional, but it does not change the underlying anxieties. Functional differentiation enables us to manage our responses to self regulate, but it doesn't mean we won't feel anxious inside. We still will feel very anxious inside. But because we are self aware and intentional, we are better able to manage it.

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So, for example, if you have a family member, a coworker or a member of the church who is always doing things that trigger your anxiety and cause you to respond automatically when you learn to self-regulate, you are increasing your functional differentiation. You are learning not to respond automatically to those triggers that are caused by the other person's functioning. Now, in some ways this is taking responsibility for self. This is managing your own response. But it is not the same as increasing your resilience. It's not the same as basic self-differentiation. Increases in basic self-differentiation occur when we do our own family of origin work. When we start to look at our family of origin without blaming, to better understand how we function and how others function in the system, it enables us to take more responsibility for self and then it enables us to rework the relationships in which we have difficulty differentiating. Basic differentiation occurs not only when we are able to self-regulate, but when we are able to take nonanxious stands with those who make us most anxious. When we are able to self-definition in healthy ways, with those who make us anxious even as we are staying emotionally connected to them, then we are growing in basic differentiation.

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This is something that takes patience and persistence, because early on others in the system will try to sabotage our new functioning. They will not be on board with our new functioning, but if we can maintain a nonanxious presence through that sabotage, then we have a chance to get ourselves and the system to a better place. As Kur says in the interview, "Differentiation is a way of being that grows out of a way of thinking. No shortcuts exist. People must think more objectively about their families and then act consistent with that new view. It takes time, but theory provides a lens that makes it possible for people to get beyond blaming their families or blaming themselves." It's really important to emphasize what Kerr says about not blaming others and not blaming ourselves. This is what basic differentiation does. This is what true self-differentiation does is it enables us to take responsibility for self without taking responsibility for others and doing it in a healthy way. I believe the main takeaway for nonanxious leaders is that we can begin by increasing our functional differentiation, but we want to work on our basic differentiation as a long term approach to growing as an effective leader.

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When we do this, we can lead a system in a healthier direction as well as lead effective and lasting change. Kerr notes that Bowen often used the metaphor of a team of horses. He said if you watch a team of horses, one horse will step out first and the others will follow in the same way. If we start to differentiate, if we increase our basic differentiation in a family of origin, a congregation or an organization, it encourages others to do the same. That's the difference that a nonanxious leader can make. That's it for episode 190. Don't forget to go to the show notes to find the link to Family Systems 101. Or you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.