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Welcome to Episode 176 of the Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode is from an article in Thrive Global entitled Eight Phrases That Help US Communicate More Effectively. I will put a link in the show notes. When I read this article, it made me think of how these phrases help us to avoid a conflict of Wills, which occurs when you try to convince another of your own rightness. Nobody likes to be told what to do or what to think, and when you try to convince another to agree with you when they don't already do, the typical response is resistance. The result is usually an emotional tug of war where neither person moves and both people are stuck. My simple guidance to avoid a conflict of Wills, especially in an anxious situation, is don't argue, don't agree. In this case, self regulation is really important so that your own reactivity doesn't get the best of you. The question is, how do you go about doing this, especially when you are anxious? I'm going to break down the eight phrases from this article into three different sections. First, emotional connection, second, curiosity, and third, self definition.

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Many of these phrases reinforce more than one of these positive behaviors, and that's a good thing. So let's get into it. One phrase that the article suggests is to say thank you for sharing. This is one of my go to because it focuses on emotional connection. It shows gratitude for somebody expressing what they feel and believe, even if they do it in an anxious way, and it lets them know that you value who they are as a person. It enables you to show emotional connection without arguing or reactivity. The next three phrases are all about curiosity. If you follow my work, you know that I am a big fan of listening, which by definition is remaining a nonanxious presence. Listening helps you to stay present and emotionally connection, while at the same time helps you to regulate your own anxiety. The most effective form of listening is reflective listening, which uses open ended questions like who, what, where, when and how with an occasional check in to show that you get what they're saying and feeling. These three phrases help reinforce that type of reflective listening. The first curiosity phrase is Tell me more. This is another one of my go to, because when I'm uncertain about what open ended question to ask next, I can always just say Tell me more.

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It signals that I am listening and I want them to go deeper. The next curiosity phrase is Help me understand. This reinforces emotional connection because you're showing an earnest desire to understand them better. Now, it's important to note that this phrase will need to be followed by some kind of open ended question, or at least it should be. When you combine it with a good open ended question, you're signaling to the other that you really care about who they are and what they think and believe. One example might be Help me understand how you came to arrive at this conclusion. Or another example could be Help me understand what experiences you've had that reinforce this feeling. As I said, this type of response reinforces both curiosity and emotional connection. The third phrase is, do you want me to simply listen? As I have often said many times in anxious situations, just listening was all that was needed, and I never had to take a stand or provide a response. That said, the last four phrases fall into the category of self definition. At some point you're probably going to have to say what you believe, even if you're giving the other the freedom to disagree.

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Doing so is delicate in a highly anxious situation. And as I've said, if you can just listen and let them vent, that's great. These phrases can help if you have to give a response. One of these phrases is I like what you said about this reinforces both self-definition and connection because it helps find some area of common ground. It's self-definition because you're sharing what you like, and it reinforces emotional connection because it's affirming something about what the other said. Of course, you don't want to make something up or provide something that's so tenuous that it's not believable. But if you can find some common ground, using this phrase can be really helpful. Another suggestion here is to substitute the word and for but, which typically suggests opposition or disagreement. This was suggested to me in our family systems course when I was sharing one of my Goto phrases, which is, you don't have to agree with me. But the suggestion from the participant was, you don't have to agree with me. And I like the suggestion because it softens the selfdefinition. It's saying what you believe without signaling that there is opposition or disagreement.

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The third self-definition phrase in this article is I'd offer if you have to take a stand, if you have to say what you believe, then saying I offer softens it as well. It's putting something on the table without requiring the other to agree and actually suggesting that you might want their feedback. This can help you to avoid a conflict of Wills even as you are self-definition. The final phrase is, Let me stop talking and hear your perspective. This is a way of ending your own moment of self-definition and giving the discussion back to the other person so that you can listen. As Donna Peters, the one who suggested this, says in the article, this phrase forces me to be more succinct and invites dialogue. Remember, that the primary goal in anxious situations is to remain that nonanxious presence. It's not to win the argument, it's not to bring others over to your side, but it's to reinforce that emotional connection without getting reactive or giving in. As I've said before, being a nonanxious presence requires self-awareness and intentionality. The self-awareness part is to help us self-regulate and to keep our own reactivity from making a difficult situation even worse.

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And the intentionality is being able to focus on saying the things that communicate a nonanxious presence. Hopefully these phrases will help you to do that. That's it for episode 176 a very short one, but maybe if you found these phrases helpful you can go back and listen to them, write them down and practice them. You can find more resources at thnonanxiousleader.com. The transcript at thenonanxiousleader.com/176 and you can connect with me by emailing me at Jack@christian-leaders.com until next time. Thanks and goodbye.

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Thank you for listening. If you found this episode helpful there are two things you can do to.

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Help others find this podcast.

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First, tap the subscribe button on your podcast app and second, leave a review. I appreciate your help. Finally, you can find more resources as well as subscribe to my blog nonanxious leader.com. Now go be yourself.