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Welcome to episode 162 of the Non-anxious Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama, and before we get into today's episode, I want to remind you that the Free Family Systems 101 course starts on Tuesday, February 22, at 07:00 p.m.. Eastern. It runs from seven to 08:30 P.M. Each Tuesday night until May 3.

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It is absolutely free. There are no sales pitches in it. I'm not going to try to use it to sell you something else. If you want more information, you can go to the Show Notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/162 and you can click on a recording of the preview that we did this past week. And if you're ready to join, you can click on the link in the Show Notes to join.

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It's part of the nonanxious Leader Network, which is also free to join. And when you join the course, you'll be a part of both the network and the course. And now, without further Ado, here is episode 162. Nonanxious Leader Nurture disciples, not Clones. The most important thing a non anxious leader can do is lead through self-differentiation. This is simple, but not easy.

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There are two components to it self definition and emotional connection. So let's start with the ability to self define. This is to know your goals, values, and where you believe God is leading you and to be able to express it in a healthy way. You do this when you express what you believe without requiring others to agree with you. Giving others the freedom to disagree avoids a conflict of Wills in which you are trying to convince them that you are right and they are wrong.

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This drains energy and sidetracks you from the direction you are wanting to head. When you self define in a healthy way, you reverse the energy. Now the anxious ones have to try to convince you that you are wrong. If you continue to give them the freedom to disagree and avoid a conflict of Wills, you don't expend energy, but instead you stay focused on where you are headed. As Edwin Friedman says, this is not easy, but it is a lot easier than trying to convince them to agree with you.

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The second component of leadership through selfdifferentiation is the ability to stay emotionally connected, especially to the most anxious and resistant ones. The ability to stay emotionally connected is just as important as selfdefinition. People need to know that you care about who they are and what they think, even if you don't agree with them. Staying emotionally connected with those who agree with you is easy. But staying emotionally connected with those who resist, who are anxious, and who disagree with you is very very difficult.

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But as Friedman says, this is where the keys to the Kingdom lie. The difference between leadership through self-differentiation that is, being able to self-define and remain emotionally connected, and the difference between either self defining without connecting or staying connected without self defining is the difference between nurturing disciples and creating clones. So let's focus on how clones get developed.

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One way that clones get developed is when leaders self define but don't connect emotionally, especially with the most anxious. This is narcissism because the leader is essentially saying, It's my way or the highway. This is what I believe, this is where I want to go and I don't even care to connect with you to find out what you think, especially if you don't agree with me. In this situation, leaders create surrounding togetherness pressure because people feel like they have to agree with the leader or they are out. If they don't agree with the leader, they are either likely to be frozen out, that is, to be cut off, or they're going to engage in a conflict of Wills with either the leader or those who are following the leader, which causes them to either be forced out or decide to leave on their own.

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There is no room for healthy disagreement. Those who remain function as clones. They can't disagree with the leader. They just have to follow and go along. And in the end, there is no amount of people who are able to think on their own and express it in healthy ways.

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Even if they are able to think on their own, they suppress that and don't disagree with the leader. In the most extreme of circumstances, this kind of leadership not only creates clones, but it creates a cult. It creates a place where everybody has to agree with the leader and nobody can dissent. Either they've lost the ability to think on their own or they've lost the courage to express it. The other way that clones are created is when the leader focuses entirely on emotional connection and is not able or willing to selfdefinition.

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This also creates anxiety in the system because people want to know what the leader thinks, what the leader believes, they want to be led. That doesn't mean they want to be told what to do, but they do look to the leader for guidance and direction, even if they ultimately disagree. When a leader is focused exclusively on emotional connection and does not self define, they are essentially leading through consensus. They are trying to get everybody to agree before moving forward. But this is a trap also.

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First of all, when you lead by consensus, it only takes a small minority to keep things stuck. If everybody has to agree, an obstinate few can get in the way. Freeman calls this the tyranny of the minority. Furthermore, this creates clones because everybody has to agree with one another. It creates a system where people all think and act alike, not because the leader requires it, but because there is pressure to have consensus, there is pressure for everyone to agree with each other regardless of who you are as a leader, the one thing you don't want is clones.

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You don't want people who can't think for themselves because it will keep the system stuck. It will keep you from being able to move forward. Instead, you want to be able to nurture disciples.

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When I talk about leadership through self differentiation nurturing disciples, I'm not talking about disciples that follow the leader. In the case of Christian Ministry, healthy leadership will encourage people to follow Jesus as they interpret Jesus calling. In a secular situation, whether nonprofit or for profit, healthy leadership nurtures disciples who want to follow the mission of the organization. These are people who focus on the importance of the mission and want to do everything possible to achieve it, rather than being clones of the leader or clones of one another. Instead, what you get are people who can think for themselves and who are willing and able to express it in healthy ways. When you lead through self-differentiation, it will make the most dependent people the most anxious people even more anxious.

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They will not like that. Either you're not requiring people to agree with you, or you're not requiring people to agree with each other and they will make life difficult. But if you can avoid the conflict of Wills, if you can stay emotionally connected with them and not argue and not agree, you will start to create the emotional space that will allow those people in the middle to move towards self differentiation. What I have seen in most systems is there are many people in the middle who don't self differentiated, not because they don't want to, and maybe not even because they don't have the capacity, but the surrounding togetherness pressure is too intense. Either they're feeling pressure to be clones of the leader, or they're feeling pressure to be clones of one another.

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What happens is when they see a leader who self differentiate and then is able to stay connected to those who resist in a healthy way without arguing and without agreeing, it emboldened them to speak their own minds in a healthy way. I have seen this happen over and over again in Congregational systems. This typically happens when the pastor is able to lead through self differentiation, but it can also be another key leader who does this and can make the difference. This is all about creating a culture where people feel free to speak their minds. The end result is that there can be healthy disagreement that helps to lead to the best decisions possible.

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You'll also find that even when people disagree, they are more committed to whatever course of action is decided because they have felt free to speak their minds. In some places, they call this disagree commit. Even though you disagree, you commit to supporting the path that has been chosen. The most important thing is because you have led through self differentiation you create the opportunity to nurture people as disciples of either Jesus or the mission of your organization. This is what non anxious leaders do.

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That's it for episode 162. I hope you find this helpful. I'd love to hear from you. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and you can find the show notes at thenonanxious leader.com/162

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Until next time, thanks and goodbye.