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Welcome to episode 161 of The Nonanxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get started, I want to remind you that the live preview of Family Systems 101, a free course that's being offered in the nonanxious Leader Network, is Tuesday, February 8 at 07:00 P.M. Eastern. The course itself begins Tuesday, February 22, and will run every Tuesday night for eleven weeks from seven to 08:30 P.m.. Eastern. One thing you need to know about this course is Dr. Brian Ivory, one of the facilitators develop these awesome graphic organizers. That's what we used to call them when our kids were in elementary school, and they're these one page handouts that show Family Systems materials graphically so you can really understand it. And I couldn't have done this myself. Doctor Ivory has done this, and you get these as a part of being in this free course. If you want more information or you want to join the course, you can find links to the live preview and to the course itself in the Show Notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/161. And now, without further Ado, here is episode 161, Five Steps to Leading with Compassion.

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This episode is based on an article I found in the Harvard Business Review entitled Connect with Empathy but Lead with Compassion.

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I will put a link in the Show Notes. The article starts by noting there are three terms that are used interchangeably, sympathy, empathy, and compassion. It distinguishes between these and adds a fourth, pity to the mix. For each of these four terms, the authors describe these emotions in terms of two functions, first, the ability to understand others experience, and second, the willingness to support the other person. They have a great graphic in the article itself, so I would encourage you to go to that link and take a look at it, but I'm going to go through each of those verbally for you. So for pity, the description they have is I feel sorry for you, and this is low understanding of the other's experience and a low willingness to support the other. For sympathy they have I feel for you. This is a moderate understanding of the other's experience and a moderate willingness to support the other. Third, there is empathy I feel with you. This is a higher understanding of the other's experience and a higher willingness to support. But as we will see often, the way we support when we are being empathetic does as much damage as it does good.

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Finally, there is compassion. I am here to help is the way the authors describe compassion. I am here to help. This represents a high understanding of the others experience as well as a high willingness to help. I will note here that Edwin Friedman would say that empathy is not helpful because it causes us to over function and engage in enabling behavior. I don't disagree with this, but I think it's more complicated. In fact, I did a whole episode on this episode 48, which I will post in the show notes. I believe the authors of this article would agree with Friedman to some extent, but they nuance it in the same way that I do. Empathy is important to understand the experience of others. However, if you don't go beyond empathy and get to compassion, you will not truly be able to help the other. The article notes, "Paul Polman, former CEO of Unilever, puts it this way, If I led with empathy, I would never be able to make a single decision. Why? Because with empathy I mirror the emotions of others, which makes it impossible to consider the greater good. The problem with empathy is that it distorts our judgment."

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Paul Bloom, a professor at Yale University and the author of Against Empathy, did a study in which he divided people into two groups. Both groups listened to a recording where a terminally ill boy described his pain. One group was asked to identify with and feel for the boy essentially to be empathetic. The other group was asked to listen objectively and not engage emotionally. Then each group was asked whether or not to move the boy up on a priority list for treatment. Even though doctors did not recommend this because of his terminally ill condition, 75% of the group that was asked to feel for the boy to be empathetic recommended he be moved up on the list, even though doctors did not recommend it, while only one third of the objective group did. When we are empathetic, we risk not having a healthy perspective on the best decision. So instead of seeing empathy as an end unto itself, we want to see it as a means towards moving to compassion so we don't get stuck there and distort our judgment. The authors of this article call this avoiding the empathy trap. Step one in avoiding the empathy trap and leading with compassion is to take a mental and emotional step away.

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This is not stepping away from the person, but is stepping away from the problem to get perspective. In family systems terms, this is maintaining emotional connection, understanding where you end and the other begins. In essence, it is being able to look at problems objectively so you can take responsibility only for yourself and not for the other. Step two is to ask the other, what do you need? This not only maintains emotional connection and helps the other to feel heard, but it also is a means of gathering information. It's asking the other person to define themselves so they can tell you how you can help. Rather than overstepping your bounds and deciding what they need you. Let them tell you if they can't. The best thing you can do is let them sit with their pain a little longer until they can take responsibility for it. Step three is to remember the power of nonaction. This avoids over functioning and to the last point, avoids taking responsibility for the other. Sometimes people won't take action until the pain is high enough. Leadership through selfdifferentiation understands that one thing a leader must do is allow other people to experience their own pain.

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If we don't do that, if we help them to avoid their own pain, they are unlikely to take responsibility for themselves. The best way we can do this is to do our own work to work through our own pain and grow stronger because of it. When we do that, we actually increase our own tolerance, our own threshold for the pain of others. We get stronger because we are able to let other people take responsibility for themselves and deal with their own pain. And this is actually compassionate. This is actually helping them to grow stronger as well. Step four is to coach the other person to find their own solution. You've often heard me say that listening is a great way to stay emotionally connected without engaging in a conflict of Wills. Coaching is a form of listening where you ask open ended questions to help the other come to their own decision about what they need and how they need to go about it. Questions like, what do you think you need to do about it? How do you think that will work? What would you do if it doesn't work? What's the worst thing that can happen?

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Are all helpful in helping the other to assess the situation and think about taking action. Step five is interesting because it has nothing to do with the other person. It's to practice self care. This is all about taking responsibility for self. If you take care of your physical needs through proper sleep, nutrition, and exercise, take care of your emotional needs by having healthy relationships with others and take care of your spiritual needs through regular spiritual practices, you will be able to increase your tolerance for the pain of others while at the same time increasing your compassion for others. My experience is that people in Ministry and in helping professions are most often willing to show compassion and help the other. However, nonanxious leader are able to discern when helping the other is not helping because it's over functioning. By taking care of yourself, you will be able to see more clearly when allowing another to experience their own pain is the most compassionate thing you can do for them even as you walk alongside them. It's all about staying emotionally connected while giving the other responsibility for their own situation. And if they do ask you for help in a selfdifferentiated way, in a healthy way, you can offer that help.

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You can do what you can to be compassionate and provide support for them to help them be the best person they can be. This is what nonanxious leaders do. That's it for episode 161 a brief one but I hope helpful. I really liked this material and you can connect with me at the nonanxiousleader.com you can find links in the show notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/161 as well as a link to the live preview for Family Systems 101 and a link to join the course until next time. Thanks and goodbye.

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