If you're not a member of The Non-anxious Leader Network, it's free to join. It's free to be a part of you can click the link, it will ask you to join, and then it will put you in the course. If you have any questions, you can sign up for my email list, get my email address, and then you can email me directly and ask me. And now, without further Ado, here is episode 160, Four Steps to Using Emotional Intelligence to Self-differentiate. This episode is based on an article by Eric Barker. This is how to Have Emotionally Intelligent Relationships for Secrets from Research. I will post a link in the Show Notes.

The problem is that most times we aren't pausing long enough to hear these schemas whispering in our heads.

Barker is like me. He uses other people's research, simplifies it, and shares it so that more people can undertand it. I take his work and translate it into family systems terms to help you as a non-anxious leader.

The source Barker is using for this article is The Interpersonal Problems Workbook. I'll put a link in the show notes. The book uses an approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, to show how people can rework problematic behaviors. Per the book, ACT showed a significant decrease in problematic interpersonal behaviors in a randomized controlled study.

So what are the four steps to better self-differentiation? Let's dig in.

The first step is to Uncover Your Schemas. This is reflective work. Schemas develop while you are in your formative years as early coping mechanisms. They worked back then, but today, not so much. As Barker writes:

"Maybe your family yelled, you always gave in and apologized, and now your software says, “Prime Directive: Avoid conflict at all costs.” Or maybe you were bullied and had to fight back to survive. And to this day whenever somebody is remotely critical you carpet bomb everyone in a two-mile radius."

Barker notes that schemas are not the connective tissue of your personality, they're the scar tissue. Further, they are self-perpetuating, the more you use them, the more deeply ingrained they become. Per The Interpersonal Problems Workbook:
"Your schemas guide not only your behavior, but also how you interpret other people’s behavior. You see others in the light of your schemas, noticing their negative words and actions that reinforce your schemas and filtering out anything that contradicts your core beliefs. Your schemas are deeply ingrained, and they persist because they help you understand the world and organize your life."

So how do you uncover your schemas. Through reflection. Pick a recent situation where you were reactive. Unpack it from start to finish like an objective observer. What did you say? What did the other say? What were you afraid of? How did the other person view me? What was I feeling?

That last question is key: the feeling is likely not positive. Maybe you felt ignored, criticized, pressured, unappreciated...the list is long and your task is to get to this feeling, as it will help you to uncover your schema.

Once you've understood the trigger and the feeling behind it, reflect on your reactive or adaptive response. Did you get defensive, combative, or some other form of reactivity? Did you agree with out taking a stand or clam up and withdraw emotionally?

Understanding your own patterns of reactivity or adaptivity is the same as uncovering your schemas. It helps you view these automatic responses as things that have developed over time and can be reworked. What Barker doesn't say is that these patterns likely developed or were at least reinforced in your family of origin. When you do your own work, you can identify the relationships where these patterns are most prevalent. Then you can begin to do things differently. That's actually step two.

Step two is to Watch, Don't Act.

This is the ultimate in self-regulation. The next time you are in a situation that would normally trigger a reactive or adaptive response, your only job is to self-regulate and observe. I've said this before, but this is where mindfulness, accepting the present without judgment, is really helpful.

Once you've had a chance to self-regulate, you want to identify the pattern that would normally occur so that you can intentionally choose something else.

Stephen Covey called this Integrity in the Moment of Choice. When you self-regulate, when you pause, you create space, both emotional space but a moment in time, for you to be intentional about your response. Integrity is when your actions match your values and beliefs. Self-regulation, awareness and intentionality can help you to do this in the moment of choice. Step three helps you do this.

Step three is to Clarify Your Values. As Barker writes, your goal is to replace your schema-based behaviors with those based on your beliefs and values. He notes that values are not goals. Values are never complete. The ACT book puts it this way:

"What is most important to you in your relationship with your parents, your partner, your kids, your friends, your boss? Your schemas may tell you that the most important thing is being right or avoiding criticism, but deeper down, your better self has other, more positive and powerful values, such as honesty, love, or respect."

This is where self-awareness and intentionality become essential. Understanding yourself, then making an intention by writing it down, can help you to unwind your old schemas and create new ones. Barker gives a couple of examples:
I want to be a good friend. I value maintaining connection. So when I feel abandoned, instead of withdrawing I will reach out.
I want to be a good romantic partner. I value being supportive. So instead of fighting back when I get worked up, I will acknowledge how I might be wrong.

I like the fact that Barker calls this having new software. I use this metaphor frequently to describe reactivity and adaptivity. It's code that runs automatically when triggered. Developing these new intentions is like inserting new code into your behavioral program. The next step is to test the program in a real-life situation.

Step four is Defuse and Act on Your Values. Or in terms you've heard me use before, this is self-regulation, self-awareness and intentionality.

When you are triggered, recognize the feeling and put a pause on it. Understand that your emotions are trying to take over. That the old software wants to run. The term Barker uses is "Cognitive Defusion." It is a technique to remind you that you are not your thoughts.

In fact, the technique uses the phrase, "I'm having the thought that..." Some examples from Barker:
“I’ll be rejected” becomes “I’m having the thought that I’ll be rejected.”

“I don’t have to put up with this” becomes “I’m having the thought that I don’t have to put up with this.”

This creates emotional distance, healthy emotional space from your own reactive or adaptive tendencies. Once you've done this, you can then respond with integrity in the moment of choice. Use the new script, the new code that you've developed to act as the person you want become.

This is not easy stuff and Barker finishes up with a reminder to have self-compassion. I've noted this often, esp. during the pandemic. You aren't going to get it right the first time or every time. That's OK. It's like learning anything new. You're going to make mistakes. Having self-compassion will enable you to reflect on what happened without judging yourself or the other, as well as to recommit yourself to doing better the next time.

This is what non-anxious leaders do.

That's it for episode 160. Don't forget that you can find a link to the preview for Family Systems 101 in the show notes for this

You can find that by going to thenonanxiousleader.com/160 until next time. Thanks and goodbye.

Speaker 2 (12:10)